In a coma

I'm in a coma for a couple days...don't try to reach me. I'm unavailable. I'll be laying on the couch. The cell phone is off, I'm not using aim, I'm not replying to anything. I just need some time to myself. Okay? I'll be fine in a couple days.

It's so simple

Somedays I have time for all the worlds problems, and my phone is always on, my arms are always open. Hugs everywhere. Today however is not one of those days, today I cannot handle anyone's problems, today I cannot even handle my own. If anyone feels so burdened, please just give me a hug. I just really need a hug.

The night the shit took over.

Just to prove that my days are never bland Let me tell you a little story that is just another example of how my life is never bland. ever. So it's midnight when I walk upstairs to grab a bite to eat and I hear my name being yelled from the bathroom. Of course it's the elderly woman who lives upstairs, she happens to be stuck on the toilet. which is not unusual so I go to the bathroom and open the door and to my horror there is fecal matter...everywhere. All over the floor, the bathtub, the wall, the toilet, her legs, and hands. all covered in shit. so I just take a deep breath asses the situation and devise a plan, this took me 20 minutes I'm not good with critical shit thinking. I swear to god I wasn't born for geriatrics I have always said this. I will continue to stick to it. So I throw some towels down and get her into the bathtub, I give her a bath clean her, every inch of her, to sparkling level, by the time I was done with her, I would've eaten meat off her thighs. So she was clean, I got her into fresh clean clothes with fresh towels, everything was warm and fresh and nice and I walk out grab my food go downstairs to eat before I tackle the bathroom. I hadn't even finished my food, which I don't eat like 2 pizzas with 4 orders of chinese, like ten minutes maybe and She is screaming my name again, I go upstairs. I find her in the bathroom again, there is shit on her bedroom floor, her, the bathroom floor x2 this time, and pretty much everything is covered again. So... I move on to help her and I tell her I want to call an ambulance because the amount of shit is so copious I should say, we could probably clog Chicago's plumbing system, there was enough there to fertilize texas, 2x. So anyways I tried to get her to agree to let me call an ambulance, eventually she let me call. It was fabo. so I called and the 911 dispatcher gave it to me straight, the ambulance arrived around the time we got her situated on the couch. She's off to the ER. I stay behind take a quick shower, grab some clothes and head off to the er where the nurse gives me the third degree because I didn't put pants on her before we left the house, well I'm sorry they were all full of shit. Fuck the ER it's such a waste of time, so they blamed it on constipation, and said it was because she's old. Really? Go figure she's fucking 78 so then they didn't give her anything to stop it but they did put a crew together who wheeled her out in a wheelchair. It was the LEAST they could do. Sooo she tells me, she felt as though she was going to shit, no big deal she's wrapped in blankets. We stop at a local conveniece chain and get some ben and jerry's ice cream. We got back, and the second she got out of my car she shit her pants, she also shit all over the bathroom again. Which hadn't been clean from the start. I didn't have time. The nurse at the er wanted to like nail me for elder abuse because I wasn't keeping everything like it should be well fuck her, I'm the best caregiver in the world, I'll clean it when I get a chance. So anyways she finally got out of the bathroom into clean clothing again. We have been sitting here for 20 minutes just eating ice cream and talking about whatever comes to mind. It's been nice it really has, there are candles lit in the bathroom. It's just waiting for me, covered in shit calling my name, I swear to god this is some sort of punishment. She just informed me she has to go again. Life is beautiful. I can't complain, atleast I'm the one cleaning it, and not pushing it. I feel like sometimes I take my life for granted, as difficult as it may be and as hard as it is somedays I always remember, there's someone who has it worse, and they would love to be in my shoes, away from their worries and their pain. But for now I will just walk along, bitch and moan about the fact that karma has frowned on my life tonight, and that's okay because for every shitload I clean up another fucker is getting some payback...I need to go do laundry I've used a couple hundred towels tonight.

I feel you tumbling down.
Into that empty room
The lights went out.


This is by far the most depressing season ever. I don't think I've ever been this unhappy. I have to relocate. Why? Because my apartment has a water issue and I'm pretty sure there's mold in the walls, I'm sick from all of it, and I have to relocate...Doesn't that just suck? Yea and I was told this when I stepped into a pool of water this morning. As I sat with the two old bags this morning and two people I care a hell of alot about I realized; this isn't thanksgiving. Every other thanksgiving I've ever had, I was healthy, We were always laughing and there was always a story to be told. This thanksgiving was silent. There was nothing to say, it was the most depressing holiday I've ever experienced. I feel so alone.

The weight of the world on my shoulders and your ice cold hands.

I know, I can't stop writing.

I scrape my knuckles against a wall,
a door post
I don't even flinch
why is this all crashing down at once?
the Niagra will fall inside of me
as if it's been building and hiding in some unknown safe
all of the sudden
someone has profained my door
my precious wood grain
what an offense to make
offended? yes I am
to profaine my very living quarters
and break the combination
into my empty safe
That's now been emptied
my home ransacked
as if anyone has the right to send a tornado to my living room
this is my space
my air
my time
my life
get the fuck out
get the fuck out of my way
I'm so tired of being ruined
and broken down
just to feel for 5 minutes the sanity that's lost in seconds
I'm so empty.
I feel myself crashing into the empty world
I need a rescue, I scream out loud
I'm broken down
I need a savior
yet I know deep inside
nobody will ever come to my rescue
because my attacker was nice enough to close and lock the door for me
at one point I felt so fulfilled
I felt sane
now I know it was nothing but a lie.
the lights in this wretched house enrage me
this entire house is a disappointment. trust me I know a good disappointment when I see one
I am one.


nobody can even begin to understand the weight I'm carrying on my shoulders.
I've dealt with drugs, dysfunction, disgrace, humiliation, abuse, abandonment, and cold shoulders all my life. If you dare think you can understand any of this bullshit, by all means be my guest, In someone else's home. Not mine. I've got way too much past for you to read into, like you fucking know me, as if you know what's going on in my mind. I'll tell you my thoughts, when I see you, anyone, everyone. I pick out every flaw I can personal or superficial because it makes me feel better about myself. Sometimes I stare at someones huge nose, or secretly poke fun at the fact that their mother was just arrested on a coke possesion charge. It breaks my heart, and I do feel guilty, but I can cut later for my own shortcomings, right now in the moment, I'll poke fun, and cruelty at yours. I just want a life ring, some sort of flotation device, a dingy, anything. I just want to above water one last time, one last breath. before I drift, sink and drop like an anchor into this sea, of what I've never seen. I'm about to experience, the reason, we don't go "under". Yes I wrote that line so it wouldn't make sense to anyone but me, and the funny thing is, it doesn't nothing, none of this shit makes sense. none. none at all. it's all nonsense, and I hate it all. I don't even know what to say anymore, I'm sick of being cold. Please just throw me a liferaft without advice attached to the pricetag, I'm a bargain shopper, and thank you but I'll pass. The things going on in my life right now, are frankly none of your business I don't give a fuck who you are, I put the things in this blog that I do for a reason. Once again never said it made sense. I write on here to get things out, maybe open your mind, maybe shut it, because you're a fucking idiot I don't know why. Sometimes I honestly read this shit and I literally say out loud what the fuck? It's true so leave me the fuck alone right now. I need to be alone right now. I hate potheads, and I hate being told how the hell to live my life, seriously, loosen up the jeans, fucking leave me alone, and live your life, while I live mine, however I choose to lead it.

trust in this

This stumbling drunk feeling has got to end, you know it's not a phase.

We all know, this isn't what I want.

currently listening to Leona Naess ballerina

I hate mornings. I hate holidays even more. Right now these two have blended together to give me my own little piece of spiced hell. Blogging from the front steps of my porch in northampton. Hoods up, this crying thing is so over rated. I haven't slept in three to four days, I've quit paying attention. I'm so tired, yet I can't sleep, I'm fine yet I can't stop crying. I'm freezing, yet I don't shiver, and I'm bleeding but I can't feel a thing. I need to go. When everything blends together, like darkness and the ever growing feeling of alone, the only light in this empty world is change. I need it yet I hate it, I can't live without it, yet it's suffocating me, one layer at a time. I'm sick of break downs, tears, love songs, sad songs, music, television, cold showers, waking up, cigarette breaks, bitching, break time, hustling, brokenness, breaking hearts, breaking my own, falso hope, smokes, an endless supply of empty wallets, and cigarette cartons, emptiness. It's time for me to take my final bow, this show is over. Don't even lie from the first number you knew it was a sure flop. And I knew I was sure to fail...we all did.