vino

I never said you would make it to be 60 years old.
But if you did, would you live till you were 60?

I would.
I live every day without hesitation. I live my life without justification.
I live every moment as if my dying breath comes next. I breathe the air in my lungs as if it will disappear. I walk every step as if there's a cliff waiting ahead. I look at the sky everyday as if it were never blue. But I never get that good feeling anymore, only when I look at you.

okay, so yesterday was my birthday

here's a list of things I accomplished:
I turned 19
I left work early
I drank 2 full bottles of wine
I managed to make a complete ass of myself in less than 4 hours
I found out why I'm moving
I sat in a jacuzzi for HOURS on end
I made out with my neighbor in the jacuzzi
I fucked my neighbor...it was amazing
I lied to alot of people
I went to drag queen bingo
I shot an airsoft gun
I yelled at everybody
I announced to everyone I'm leaving
I realized...I don't belong with the IT guy from work
OR my neighbor
I got more drunk than I think I've ever been
I had the time of my life &&&
I survived!

I had the time of my life on my birthday we all went to horsefeathers for drag bingo, everybody sang to me, I made a complete fool of myself on only one bottle of wine. I loved it...all of it. I can't wait for 20 to get here because it was fucking AWESOME.
cheers to me!

The summer is gone

No one believes the truths that you out while you sleep.
The summer is gone
The summer is so gone

I'm so sorry
I know I lied, and I know it was wrong but I don't do well when I'm caught in a lie. I never have done well. Nor will I ever. It's life. I lie. I'm building a life, that I don't want to lead, but it's the only thing I know how to do well. And I even suck at that. I really like you, but you're sometimes just too much, I don't well under the microscope. Behind this velvet curtain, there's duct tape, a lot of duct tape, holding most of it together, and there's simple white rope at the top. Holding it all up. The cheats and the lies that hold this thing together, for some people genius, for others, just shame. I've fucked alot of things up in my life. I don't want this to be another one, I don't want to run this thing into the ground, before it hits the water. I know it's tough, I've never been easy. I know I'm abrasive I've never been quite smooth, and I know I'm not simple, I've always been this complicated. Please don't take this too much to heart. But seriously. I have flaws. Alot of flaws. I'm not asking you to look past them. I'm asking you not to look. I don't want to be just another notch you smoothed out of your life. I don't want to be a pleat. Please just take me for what I am, don't believe a word I say, and for the love of God. Pretend. Some days it's all I can do to get up in the morning. Honestly. It really is. Some things, like this, I just can't handle, and I'll understand if you say goodbye. I want this to work. I don't want to say goodbye, but I'm afraid I'll just fuck it up again.

I'm sorry. I was wrong.

=]

high school never ends
I am so much better than I was then, nowhere near as self conscious, everyone tells you, oh things will get better once you're out. I never believed anyone. I'm a totally a different person than I was back then...thank God too. I mean if I was still that person...I can't even imagine. Life was hell then but I let it be hell. I'm so glad I'm out of there, really I'm so glad I left. I needed florida, and I'm getting feeling it needed me too. =]

Go to hell

Today's the day. I find out what's going on downstairs with my testicle I'm drinking mountain dew and smoking like a crack addict in withdrawl, my heart rate has got to be atleast 110 and my BP....let's not even go there. So I'm sick to my stomach about this ultrasound business. I'm shaking...couldn't sleep last night, thanking God for the friends I have. It just seems like shit. All the times I've cheated death, and now my testicles could be killing me, are you fucking serious right now? I honestly don't know if I'm ready for this, but I do know I am ready for a hot shower. One step at a time, living every moment like it's my last...I'm off to the Doctors =]

Smile through the pain
Dance through the rain

A few more hours...then it's time to go.

I write because I feel. I feel because I write.
Right now, I should be in bed, waiting for tomorrow to come, but I'm not. I can't sleep. I won't sleep I'm having my manhood, which I cherish, examined for flaws tomorrow. Not just in case but because I know they're there.
I'm learning to read the heart monitors by my side...alone
I'm learning to breathe, to hold back the tears...
When All I want if for someone to hold my hand.
I feel so small, and alone.
It's one of those nights, I just need a hug.
I'm trying so hard, I can't explain it.
All I know is that I have this moment, this glimpse of time.
Like I'm holding a flower in my hand and in moments it will wilt.
I don't want my life to wilt, or fade, or die.
I'm ready to live this moment for me.
With you or without you.

I can't sleep.
But that's okay, I'll be up for a while.

Show me how to lie

Okay, so I'm trustworthy, to a point. You can always trust me with things like your car, your house, your pets on the weekends, your secrets. I'm sorry. I will never tell the same story twice, I will always bail out when I'm caught in a lie, I will always lie or be completely honest. I can't even tell which is which anymore. I have certain stories that I've told so many times, it feels true. I believe them to be true, I hardly ever stop and think of them as lies. I'm in a bad situation. I found a gentleman, I really did, but I am a liar, he knows it. I can't tell if it's bad or good, because now I get the feeling everyone knows how much I lie. I was born to be a con artist, I act upon this belief so often that at times I feel nobody can be stopped. I get the feeling I'm on a fast track, in the wrong lane, with only luck on my side. But honest question? Ok. When does my luck run out?