The deer, failing out of college, and the hitch-hiker who changed my life.

Okay so after the drama and such that unfolded Thursday night I headed home for a whole new story...okay so I'm in between Wellsboro and Mansfield and I hit a deer with grampa's car. I busted out the grill and all the fun stuff that mother fucker was HUGE I was so upset....okay so that was friday night, then this morning (sat.) morning went to class. well I failed out of college...and fuck you all for judging me. I really couldn't care what you think about me leaving college. I'm over it...really it's not the end of the world. I'm still pretty. I'm just whatever. I'm currently looking into schools that actually teach, I couldn't give a damn about that town or anything else HACC related. okay so after that was over and I deal with the day I drove past this guy who unbeknownst to me would be the breath of fresh air I needed. I picked him up, he'd been walking from oregon and he was headed to scranton with nothing but a winter coat and a hikers back pack. call me insane call me greyson I don't care, but I picked him up...and it was the best decision i've made this month. he has this real outlook on life like everything is everything, the colors are what they are and reality is what it is. and he chooses to be happy. we were talking about how big the world is and how small we really are, the possibilities of no more war, forgetting hate, moving on, freedom, a general concensious with our true selves, the truth, forgetting these sucky responsibilities, and just welcoming the real world and our lives with open arms, and a clear mind. I think i'm ready to look for the school to locate to. this guy really hit me hard and I consider him a friend now. He really changed my outlook in a matter of hours. A real breath of fresh air, he opened my eyes a little bit more to the icy cold breeze we choose to call reality, even if it does suck. Thanks Carl. Hakeilo

This is...the end.

this is the end of it all... and I know it by this time tmr I'll be planning a move. I hope everything works out fine...and everything will in it's own time, well is it good for you? I hope it's good for you.

Drama, the rape victim, heartache, and respect.

Maybe you won't end up like him...
then again maybe you will, it's been a long night, once again it's 5am and I'm up because I went out, everything was fine, until the drama started....one person then the other and I didn't want to say goodnight to anyone so I left, and ended up coming back to say goodnight to everyone, cause everyone seemed to be upset. I ran into a woman who had just been beaten up and raped... the cops took her home after they cancelled my ambulance that I called. It was awesome. I felt so great that they didn't help at all. she's back in the same place she was attacked. she said she's going to kill herself. I move on,dealt with more drama, and drama, and drama. Left and came back....to say goodbye, dealt with more drama said goodbye. Finally make it home, while enroute to the house I was slammed in the face with more drama, I didn't care, I moved on. Lay down, get ready for bed, roni's in trouble the upstairs plumbing went to shit and there was water pouring into the downstairs. I really can't deal with tonight...too much. This woman was the first domestic abuse/rape victim that I got close to...she trusted me. she was different from every other woman in the world...I could see it in her eyes, she was in so much pain, a mother and grandmother of one, she had so much on her shoulders. it all came loose tonight. I can tell you honestly right now I've never seen hurt like this. it was like someone had set her heart ablaze, and it burned out leaving only ashes, you could see the smoulder smoke so clearly in her brown eyes. as if her eyes were starved for oxygen to fuel the once burning fire. she was in tears all night...all I could do was hold her. apparently she's a frequent flyer with the police and She's been in trouble before. All I wanted for her was everything. I wanted to give her everything, safety, love, affection, a home, peace and happiness. she may never find it. she may never get what she deserves but, as a woman, she's lost. and I couldn't give her a map to save my life. I hope someday she finds everything she's looking for and everything she deserves. I swear to God as long as I live I'll never forget linda............................thats my night. I know ridiculous huh??? Goodnight world i need sleep.

you want to say it too

I'm done, I am. I'm so done. I'm exhausted I haven't actually "slept" in at least 72 hours. I'm upset because my social life is failing and yet I'm failing out of college and don't seem to give a shit...at all. The funny thing about it is, I don't. I don't care, this isn't one of those I'm an artist and I'll be defiant cause no one understands my energy. fuck that. I'm over it. This is it, This is Greyson Van Pelt. RAW. Fuck this ! I don't care anymore, I'm over college and all this other bullshit...I'll go to nursing school in Florida, and God Damn it I'll make my own fucking rules, I'm sick of being told I need a fucking plan, no I don't I'll make my own way, I always have before...Haven't I?

I said I don't get no sleep

Just light the end and get on with fucking life...it's so hard to move on, but wouldn't it be nice? So last night into this morning I was on a transport to pittsburgh it was so long and shitty and I feel like I'm going to throw up. I haven't slept for two days and I'm going on pure adrenaline, get upset, cry, move on, go to work, sit around, move on...it's a constant move along. I am getting out of this cycle. I'm on my way out and I can't wait. I really like travis...alot. but I get the feeling he's sketchy and I think he's still talking to my ex and I think they probably talk dirty to eachother, why the hell should I care. I'm not going to get involved this time.. I hope. I'm freezing in PA. I want to be in the sunshine of the south...I need to go home, I think the south is where I belong but I wouldn't lie to you it might be a while till I adjust. I'm screaming for more than just some blue eyed metaphor. I'm so in love with thriving ivory I think they're magnificent, and I only use that word when I feel stupid. It's like 8 am and I've been trying to sleep for the past 3&1/2 hours but sleep just won't come, surprise surprise. And I'm sick of talking to people just because. The life in my life is like fading, tara always brought some pleasant surprise to the table, it's so wierd that she's getting married. It's like such a shock but I knew it would happen someday, I just don't want to miss it when it happens. I can't be flying back home every other week when I move though. PS I'm moving to florida, if none of you were able to pick that up yet. And I've turned into this guy who wants to do nothing but write and play piano and smoke cigarettes like they're going out of style. I'm obsessed with little things, but finding joy in none of them. I miss the magic but I still have some spark it's so wierd. I'm feeling insane because I'm so stressed I feel like my heart isn't pumping up to par and my brain isn't getting what it's used to...yet I'm singing all the time, I always have some new tune to hum and I'm constantly expecting some amazing change. I don't know what it is, but if I'm dying don't tell me, cause I don't want to know...that's a lie yes I do. :) I have a whole bunch of scattered thoughts constantly spinning in my mind as if I'm on a carousel and everyone around it is screaming a different sentance I know they're all important...I just cannot seem to sort them out. I'm having the taxi cab dreams again, and I jump constantly when I try to go to sleep. I can't concentrate on a single thing...unless it's music. I'm sure you can tell from this blog that I'm listening to thriving ivory, and am so scattered brained. I've been spending these nights counting stars like a runaway and that's really what everything in me is telling me to do right now. everything says...RUN. as fast as you can look back often but not too long. I don't even know what's going on in my life right now it's so hectic. there's too much going on. It's like symphonies without a sound. somebody save me. for the past week I have had these same 4 second dreams, in everyone of them I see my life, as it is - not what I want it to be or what I believe it to be but I see it as if I'm a journalist writing about some no mans life and every none of them ends where i'm begging someone for a hug, one of them was the man of my dreams and usually it would end like we get married or he tells me he's married or something really fucked up but no in the end of that one specifically I was standing in front of a vandalized building ( my life was for sale inside ) and the building was on fire after someone came in and did some major damage. I just begged him for a hug and I got it and when he hugged me I woke up and looked around confused as hell I had no idea where I was or why it was so wierd. I never remember my dreams, unless they're nightmares or prominent for some reason. I think the ones of this past week have been pretty damn prominent. I just don't know what to do with myself right now. I'm so stressed out, more so than I have ever been before. atleast I think so. I'm sure a million other people who tell me differently and probably prove me wrong, but my life is not on trial here and if anyone has the right to sit in the jury box...it's me. which brings me to another point and I know this blog is long but I never said you had to read this thing. My moms boyfriend, glenn simply does not understand me being gay...to me it's not big deal alot of people don't understand it, I don't care if you do or don't. it's no right to fucking judge me, I don't blatanly come out and say well I don't agree with the way you live your life you need to fix this, this, this, this, and these couple things before I will. Fuck that, I'm not trying to sound like a 14 year old "defiant soul" but really? Like the rules that I choose to live by, I set myself, and on top of that I have a good relationship with God, maybe not what you percieve him to be but my God still loves me, therefore I don't need yours too, ones usually enough...I don't know I guess it's a defiant thing. He thinks I'm so defiant and I don't give my mother any credit. I give her more credit than she knows. I think she's awesome and we get along just fine these days she's starting to understand alot more than in the past and trust me we're getting better but it's still a day by day process. I don't need to justify my actions to anyone. and I mean that anyone, My personal life is mine and I will live it as I choose if he has such an issue with it he can kick me the fuck out. I've made my own way and I'm in a place I didn't see myself in for a very long time, I'm in a community, I belong. There's somewhere that I can go where I don't feel condemned for what I am or out of place just for being me and if anyone of you would like to experience this just give me a call. That's about all I have to say, For real though. I need some time to sort, and think and work on some things.
He takes his clothes of and he says
Is it alright if I stay the night?
I can tell everythings not fine
It's never alright to push away
I'm not as blind as you may think
and I'm tired of all this is
you look a little unhappy about the way the world is turning.
I've been dying for the world to know my name
So I'll tell you my name...
It's time to go.

P/s I stole alot of this from thriving ivory songs, if it's sounds poetic/ it's theirs. / you should know better :)

somebody to save me

all I have to say is every day is the first of the rest of my life....

I know...I know trust me it's not that big a deal

hi....I'm running away - again. I believe in the day I was born, but I wasn't born for this....In the last 24 hours I've been let down, I''ve had a breakdown, I've cried my eyes out, the sun finally came out, and I have nothing to show for any of it. Cause my emotions don't matter when it comes to fixing my situation. I'm over it and I'm ready to go...I'm packing my bags...I'm headed for the coast. I can only hope that someday I'm more of a hard ass. this is to one last day in the shadows...today is my day. I gotta get moving