are you ready for this?

I know I don't need your blessing...can't I just be?
Okay so today was long I got up 8 hours ago, it's 3am. and yes I'm exhausted. What a day :) So I'm just lying here on my couch and I'm tired as hell. But not sleepy...ewww I have work tmr and my mom is waking me up in 5 hours but seeing that for the past two days all I've done is drink and sleep I think I'll be okay. I'm pretty sure I've made up my sleep debt. I'm sick of being sick. Why am I doing nothing but complaining? I went to work today and chilled out with my bosses for a little bit, we always have a good time and honestly it's the only time I can ever say that I've straight up just hung out with my bosses. Is that wierd? whatever. and I miss my BFF carly jo, whom I became business partners with tonight. we'll call it G&C inc. it'll be beautiful btw for those of you who have no common sense and can't tell sky from grass that means grey and carly inc. it'll be amazing. we're currently working on a product to be launched in the spring you can all be jealous when we're millionaires and making tons of money by sitting on our asses. yupper. it's a good time so anyways we had some nice long talks tonight. I'm listening to rufus wainwright and it's making me want to smoke..is that wierd??? p.s. I told my mom about this mystery product we're launching and she laughed in my face and said...no...I don't like it. It's bound for success. I'm so exhausted, I'm going to go smoke a cigarette and go to bed. I'll write more from work which happens to be in 11 hrs not even...oh god. Just think I'll never have to pull shifts like this again ever...by next fall. I think it's officially winter, and anyone who disagrees with me will be made fun of by my new kitten, which I will find and teach to make fun of you...because I can. This song is messed up major...goodnight

p.s.

I have an amazing family, I have a family who calls me baby boy, I have a family who loves me for who I am, I have a family built on truth, I have a family built on Gods great promise, I have a family of support, I have a family. My last name sounds a little something like Van Pelt, not bailey. There's a good reason for that. I am the descendant of Hal & Sue Porter. I am the son of Lori Porter. I have three amazing brothers, a loving mother, and grandparents who couldn't care less what I do with my life, they'd support me in anything! I also have an extended family who has never come even close to short of superior. Everyone has always welcomed me into everything with open arms, why? Because THEY ARE MY FAMILY. I don't need any more families to put a smile on my face. Trust, I don't need or have ever wanted anything more. My family has always supplied me with grace, and love, and honesty, and an unconditional acceptance, that no matter who my mother, or father :) or brothers or stepfather were, They still loved me. and the funny thing is after everything I've personally put them through they still DO LOVE ME. and that's why I don't need another family because there's nothing some new family that I've lived without for 18 years could tell me or give me or help me out with that I don't already have. I can still look amazing walking down Baltimore avenue in the heart of the city with a smile on my face and yes I could do it in heels or in the rain possibly both. Someday you'll all realize why I'm so pretty, because my bloodline lacked alot :) it's a real shame. I'm so pretty. I don't have a past to hide, or even a past that embarrasses me, I have a past that's heartbreaking and a testimony of the fact that I'm invincible...bring it on bitches.



p.s. I know you wish you were this pretty

Be sure your sins will find you out.

Trust me, I will make this famous… Every ounce of hatred in your soulless body, every plan that originated from your heartless chest, and every emotion you allowed to be seen, you broke it free of every chain inside of you, those chains have a name. Hypocrisy. In your eyes there is a language barrier between past and present and you have no remorse for anything that happened when things were so “Good”. You’re scum. Plain and simple, you’re scum, and I will have nothing to do with you. My blood pressure’s high, it’s so very high. Because the haunting of my past have been let loose in the form of you, you’ve tried so many times to steal so much from me, my future, my dignity, my life. Well it won’t haunt me anymore and be prepared to be scared. All the things that went on way back when have all stayed in way back when…until now, they’re starting to suddenly surface like a million bubbles churning in the sea. They all begin to surface at once, without knowledge of how and where they came from… Tell me does this hurt you, the reminiscing of times when you were cruel as the devil, and as I well can see, you still are. Still the same girl who stole from, lied about, and abused children and other human beings. Helpless children. Tell me how do you live with yourself? How do you have a child of your own? Tell me, was it different? Did you starve him? Did you hurt him? Did you damage his mental health? Did you break his heart? Have you ever done anything and everything in your power just to see him suffer? I’ll bet you haven’t. Damn! What a great mom! How awesome you truly are. Does he know what you’ve done? Does he have any idea of the things you did when you were his age, and older? I’ll bet he has no idea that his own mother, he’s so close with a monster is he? The fact of the matter is you’ve broken my heart, but I have plenty of bandages. You completely fooled me, twice, with the truth just around the corner, I thought it was impossible. I’m a hard one to fool and an even harder one to hide the truth from, but I must say you’re a damn good liar, and an even better homicidal antagonist. It’s a shame you suck at murder. Cause you never got away. Well be sure your sins will find you out sweet sister, tears, heartache, sleepless, restless nights, and My face to haunt your memory. I hope you’ll remember this forever and I’ll pray that you get right… This is the end of me and you…

thank you caroline.

A friend is the one who comes in when the whole world has gone out.
Okay so my last blog was a little nasty and forefront angry but honestly, right now I'm on the edge of a nervous breakdown. I have a feeling it's going to hit at the worst time too, like in the middle of Walmart.
It's that feeling before the cry
it's the sob before the sigh
Could I be any clearer with this? This is exactly how I feel and yes I wrote it. I'm so angry at myself for opening up the past. For real. If only I knew then what I do now. The some things that the some people did, and the some things they're still doing. Disgust me in the worst sense of the world. I'm so angered by it...I could just break. anything. everything. I just feel as though I've broken her heart, and in the process banged up my own. I should've let it be. I should've left well enough alone. But I couldn't and someday I'll get my answer but I don't want her to be in pain anymore and I think right now that's my biggest issue, I want happiness for her before I will ever be truly happy. And that's my biggest challenge...money truly can't buy, find, or even begin to search for happiness neither can a brand new loveseat, or a dog...only people can find happines...idk though my dogs pretty happy just to chill around...Someday we're going to find it cause I'm invincible and trust hunny girl....so is she.

Broken hearts teary eyes and pounds and pounds of regret...Eat your way to hell.

Trust me I can walk down Baltimore avenue with a smile and forget you...
I can pretend as though you never existed...
I never needed you before, and I certainly don't need your psychotic homicidal maniac tendencies now. Trust in this, I never needed a father, I never had one, I will never have one. I'm still pretty despite it all, and all along I moved along, without any of this, without knowing who they were, or what they were, or why they were, and all of the sudden...I'm okay with that. Of course I'm fucking okay, I always have been fucking okay, nobody will stand in my way of happiness. I don't need to know his face, his name, age, race, religion, or status as a human being. And I couldn't give a shit about wherever the fuck he was buried...He'll stay there and I'll move on, tis pity, But I'm stronger than this storm. I will be the one to stand on the bow and scream at the angry clouds that blow black and the squeeling rain that hisses in my ear and the wind that whistles through crevices which make me. I will be the one to break the lightning with the bow of my own anger. This is my fucking ship and no storm, no angry ocean, no wind, and certainly you, will never conquer me. you've seen that I'm invicible bitch I'm still here, and I'm coming, cause I'm on the prowl, just hold your head steady, go ahead take a bow...you're done. this show has now been ended AND SCENE is all I have to say. Listen you little fucked up psycho with no real basis for emotion, you couldn't kill me then and you won't kill me now. I'm stronger than anything you can fit into your lies and your fake tears and everything else you've got in your bag of tricks...trust hunny, I saw straight through you from the moment you lent me your voice to pick apart to very last thread of left over anger, and rage, and hurt, and regret. you'll regret this till the day you die, and I hope you find happiness in heartache because you gave enough to me, you're the very reason my life has been in shambles I stand face to face with the devil, too many years of therapy, too many broken hearts, too many tears, too much heartache, too many lies, too much shit. and I just realized what won't kill me will only make me stronger, maybe more hurt but definitely stronger and I just realized you've been pumping me up, every day of my fucking life...because of you I haven't found happiness, but lucky you, I found God, and he's the only reason you can still function, because without him, we have nothing...literally nothing. I hope this breaks your heart and tears you apart, I've realized you're nothing you have nothing and you're nothing but a fraud all the lies and the "regrets" and the tears? bitch I hope you cry for years. fool me once shame on you fool me twice shame on me, come after me once, shame on you, come after me again....well let's just see.

"i love you greyson dale because no matter what happens to you, you always find a way to come back looking prettier than ever with a smile on your face and a plan to make it all better...you give us hope. - Carly♥jo"

bring it on cruel world.

I was mean to this guy....oh well he was an asshole

p.s. I dealt with an anti-gay protester tonight... as did a bunch of people in line at the club it was excellent. I'm so glad to be american. :) goodnight world

on my end of the bargain...I'm losing, a ton

okay so it's been a couple days and I know it's overdue...but I always have new fun stuff to keep this bitch going...okay here's my life to date...ps my computer is being slow. So like I feel lead on...but that's item two okay here's what's been going on...I literally have had the wierdest patients lately like they've all been really fucked up like seriously okay and here's the best part. I found my family...My long lost family who I haven't heard from or been able to find in 8 yrs haven't seen in 14 okay so i found them and they're amazing i came out to my brother shawn who is a great guy always has been and it's just phenomenal it's been a total shocker this whole day/week IDK but anyways I've spoken with my brother and sister and I can't wait to meet them both...it's going to be amazing. I'm taking a couple days off and I'm going up to see them. i want to catch up and just everything...it'll be amazing. I went to the club tonight and my mom has no idea. it's been insane. okay so yea all that with my new family omg omg omg omg i can't wait. ps item two pertains to boys and how ridiculous they can be. Okay so I really like travis and everything was going good but i was sensing that he was holding back and i had a hunch as to why well turns out that this entire time he's been holding back because he seems to have it in his head that I'm going to florida like tmr, he doesn't really give a shit about the time we have but instead just wants to lead me on for weeks? okay cool whatever and me and tony are done too. I don't really care. It's not like i'm going out on thurs anyways so I don't really care, me and tommy are going out tmr night. I'm serious I was ready to buy travis the world and give him whatever he wanted but i guess that won't ever happened. All I fucking wanted was dinner. yea i feel lead on...wouldn't you??? Idk Idc I'm sick of this boy drama...and it's over with tony...thank god. And carly cheer the fuck up life is good...