fight h8 in 09

the strokes - you only live once, is playing the background. Enjoy this blog.


So it's been a while, and the only reason why I'm back is A; to answer a question for my self about something someone said to me via text msg, you know who you are, thanks for falling off the face of the earth for like ever and B; to bitch my head off. Okay let's go.

So I bought a phone, we all know this. 10 days ago, once again, a fact we all know. But do you know the fucker who sold it to me still has not shipped it?!?!?!? I KNOW. seriously an entire week has gone by, and no shipping 4-5 business days MY ASS. I never even got a confirmation number. ASSHOLE. I'm pissed. Like nobodies business. God my grammar skills suck. So I'm working right now and I'm really anxious to answer this question, so I'll blog later. peace out holmes.


OH AND P.S. I hope you have a happy and safe new year, let's pray for life.

So I'm pretty sure than nobody reads my blog. But I don't care.

So I'm home for the holidays, I'm at moms house, and about five minutes ago I got the 5 year old excitement for opening gifts tmr. That made no sense, I feel like I'm five years old and I can't wait to open gifts. I already snuck a peek into my stocking. Lol. I know, I'm OUT OF CONTROL. So I'm home, this is kind of my update; while everyone is on winter break I'm still working my ass off only a couple hours from my moms house, she visits me just about every weekend. For those of you who don't read my blog and didn't know. So anyways I'm home, I miss home because it means I don't have to work and I can sit on the couch all night and watch logo if I want, it's nice because I don't have to worry about any obligations, other than the whole christmas thing tomorrow. I kind of have to be there for that, not a big deal though. So that's what I'm doing, I'm on the couch watching logo. Of course my mom behind the crazy woman she is re-did my room. She cleaned it out and set up my bed. I LOVE IT. I feel home, which is nice. However I have an inner battle I'm fighting. Do I, or do I not bring edward with me to florida? Edward is a computer chair that I bought. Where did I get him?!?!? Omg I can't remember....texting carly.... He's upholstered in pink fabric which hides the rainbow taffy looking stripped fabric underneath which has recently emerged for the world to see. He's the most comfortable thing ever. I love edward, he's like a really old double arm chair, I've had him for YEARS. But omg I can't remember where I bought him, I don't think I found him I'm pretty sure I bought him from somewhere......still waiting for a reply from carly.....this is bugging me. Bu yea okay so moving on, me and carly named him edward because I he just needed a name, he's been by my side and under my ass since what feels like forever, I think anyone who has come into my room and had a seat on him has fallen asleep at one time or another in edward. He's all like old and worn out. I'll post a picture someday. GOD I CAN'T REMEMBER AND CARLY STILL HAS YET TO TEXT ME, THE STUPID BITCH. Whatever so enough about edward...I want to take him. I'll be driving to florida the 5th and 6th I think we're going to make reservations at a hotel we stayed at once upon a time in virginia. It's going to be a BLAST. So anyways I'm home, it's a good time. If you want to see me before I shove off get a hold of me, there's a few people I absolutely HAVE TO SEE and one person who's local ish who i really want to meet. IDFK. Find me, happy holidays, stay sober, and be safe. mooches. bitches.

When you're shallow as a shower.

These cigarettes are TERRIBLE my laptop has no charger cord and I'm running on 66% battery which has to last me 2 days...hopefully just one. Anyways I'm working like a real business man, and I think I may just start new company. It's been realllly hectic with the holidays and all this other shit going onnn ughhhh so anywho's I'll be updating and back online soon. Love you bitches.


ps go listen to cute is what we aim for - curse of curves...it's amazing. Loved it since high school and I'm still fresh bitches.

here's the link by the wayyy

http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/n/a/2008/12/19/state/n150241S64.DTL


:)

song of the moment: Right here - staind

Prop 8 and how it's ruining america.

Okay so I realize that I'm always bitching about prop 8 but it effects me directly. I do hope to get married some day if I find the right guy. The newest thing in the prop 8 debate: Prop 8 martyrs, saints, whatever the hell it is they're calling themselves are now pushing for the 18 THOUSAND marriages, that means two people in each, who love each other very much, to be void. think about 36 THOUSAND individuals who, if this passes, will be heart broken and pretty much told they're second class and don't deserve to marry. These people want to take marriage from the people who already have it. So imagine if we tried to go back to slavery. Are you kidding? For real? Yea. So these people will be divorced and not by their own choice, thousands of people are being told that once again they have to change their name, their taxes, they're medical coverage. Everything. All this says is "You can't sit in the front of the bus." It proves, prop 8 is not about a definition, it's about discrimination. Why is it such a big deal to these people? I mean honestly like when was the last time you heard of a gay person flipping out and donating money to wreck a marriage? We don't care if you love the woman you're cheating on, beating, and more than 50% probability going to divorce, then by all means, be married and LOVE IT. There hasn't been a single divorce in any of these 18k marriages. Does that tell you anything??? Like if I want to I can go to vegas, snort coke in a cheap hotel bathroom, drink bottles and bottles of booze, until I can't even pronounce my own name, walk to any 24 hour wedding chapel and marry some woman off the street. It's legal. I can pay someone to have sex with me at a whorehouse in vegas. Hell I can sell my virginity on the internet, it's been done. I can have sex with as many men as I can fit into a week, on camera, for money. I can drink until I'm dead. It's all legal. And it's sad, like what kind of a corrupt world do we live in where this is possible. Yet I can't get married to a man? I honestly don't see how people think I'll be imposing on their rights. Or how it's dangerous. Whatever, I'm going to get married, even If I have to have it done by a close friend. I don't care. I'm not going to be pushed into the underground. What's next it's illegal to be gay? We're corrupting your beautiful world of divorce, cheating, and shows like desperate hoousewives? Go to hell. If you don't support gay marriage I think that's your view and I think it's awesome to have an opinion, of course we don't agree. Still, it's your right to have a view on the subject and I'm not going to fight you about it. Supporting prop 8 is another, supporting prop 8 means you support hatred and discrimination and it's no longer prop 8 in my eyes, it's prop8 of hatred, lies, bigotry, and discrimination. Any supporter of this proposition, is no friend of mine. Sorry. I was born this way prop 8 isn't going to change me. :) Love you bitch!

p.s.

For all of you who have the nerve to say my life is not that bad: My life is ONE TRAGEDY AFTER ANOTHER.


Don't believe me, take a walk in my shoes, you wouldn't last 5 minutes. K?

I thank god I'm still alive.

I left the house at 1am on my way to sheetz for some Mt. Dew and a chicken wrap. So I leave the house and of course on the way there I see a man falling all over the ice stumbling for any sign or pole he can hold on too. He's drunk, me being the good person I am clear off my front seat turn around and convince the man he's drunk, and to let me take him home. Which of course I do and he tells me on the 5 minute drive all about how he has nobody and it makes him sad to see marriages fail and partners fight. So he returns to his home with a BAC well off the scale, I'm pretty sure he would've died on his own, he was a mess. So I continue after dropping this man off to sheetz, believing my karma has just been boosted I'm of course wearing a smile. I walk into sheetz, just thinking, grab some dew and order my wrap take it to my car, hop in, and....this is where my night went to hell. My car wouldn't start, the usual noise it makes was not being made and it just made a buzzing, of course being me I just take a second, look under my hood, like I know whatever the hell it is I thought I could do, get back in and try again. No luck. A young scruff ball of a man walks up to me asking me about my drugs. I told him, I have no drugs and I do not sell drugs nor do I use them. Sorry. Call my boss. Call my boss. Call my boss, he answers. I tell him the situation, he's an hour away he'll be there soon. 45 minutes later I get a call, from my boss, he has another ambulance run, 15 minute run, so I wait. Another nasty older man walks up to me, asks me for drugs I again turn him down while fearing for my life. I don't want my car towed. I don't like AAA, So 15 minutes go by I get another call. I'm still in the parking lot of sheetz with no heat. I'm now using bic lighters to warm my hands. Yes, I went there. He has another 15 minute run, no big deal I call AAA whoever makes it first makes it. My phone dies sometime between then and now. I don't have a car charger. So AAA is there an hr later, my boss isn't. So AAA jumps me, I guess that was all I needed and I head over to the station because my car will die if I shut it off. So I figured my boss could take me to buy a battery and everything would be fine. He could put a battery in and my life would go on. My mom is HOURS away so she's of no assistance. I love her anyway. So I'm driving down macarthur and I'm braking for a light, my radio goes off, along with my lights and everything else. My car has officially died. I pronounced it deceased at the scene, I pop the bitch in neutral and coast into a nearby parking lot it's sometime around 345, 40o? I had no concept of time without my phone. PS two cops stopped by in the sheetz parking lot one asked me why I was there, the other was just satisfied to find I had no drugs and I wasn't dealing. What's with the drugs? Do I look like a drug dealer? Aren't they all mean? I'm too nice. So my car hadn't really warmed up so I was freezing, I grabbed a hoodie, a jean jacket and a parka and I set for a hike. I walk about a half mile looking for an open gas station, nothing, I walk back. Another cop stops me, a lady cop. She tried to call my employer and get a hold of anyone who could help me. No luck so I thank her, she tells me I need to move my car, I invite her to help me push it home, she kindly declines then leaves and I hike across the highway where I meet the homeless man who needs money the conversation went something like this.
Mr.Homeless: Hey man you got any cash?
Me: NO
Mr.Homeless: Dude I really need some cash
Me: If I had cash would I be walking right now?
Mr.Homeless: I just need some MONEY
Me: I'M CRAZY RIGHT NOW AND I DON'T HAVE ANY MONEY, STEP OFF!
and he did.
so it's off to walmart looking for a wall charger and praying customer service will let me plug in my phone just long enough to get my bosses cell number. My boss drives by while I'm in walmart. They don't have my charger, I'm crying, In the middle of walmart. It's about 5am and everyone is watching me breakdown in the middle of electronics. I'm literally crouched on the ground crying. I look up to see a charger for lg, it's of course a car charger. Hoping I have a little bit of juice left in my battery I buy it and hike back I plug it in and drain my battery of any juice left in it for a 4 sec phone call to my boss in which I screamed/cried "I'MINTHERADIOSHACKPARKINGLOTCOMEGETMEINEEDHELP" It was terrible. So my boss came and saved me. We went to walmart, got jumper cables took a look see at the car, figured it was hopeless and he helped me by jumping my car every 5 miles. I coasted down a couple hills cause I lost my car at the top. It was the BEST there's nothing like it. I told my mom the story at 6am, she was not pleased with any part of it particularly the drunk everyone finds it dangerous, well I live on the edge, so basically I was without heat for hours, I cried, alot. I've never had an emotional break down in the middle of walmart before tonight, I must say it's something everyone needs to see. And of course when I get home I can't get up my driveway, thank you karma, I'll never pick up a fucking drunk again. If I ever make it to florida it'll be a miracle. So in conclusion tonight was the worst night of my life. I hate pennslyvania. I have the best boss in the world. My luck sucks and I really really hope when I wake up everything is better. Because right now, my day can't really get much worse. :)

so tell me about your life

p.s. I need a cigarette, It's been a while.
it's bad timing, to be put simple. I'm about to move...it's 17 days today =) and I am in the middle of trying to jump start my professional life. I want a career and I'm very close. I'm trying to get together what I need to launch a product by spring. Of course it's bad timing, why wouldn't it be. Does anybody have 1000 condoms or want to buy them for me for 104.00? I need to do this before it's done by someone else. I'm ready to launch this product small scale and start making money. I have the worst luck when it comes to timing. So tell me about your life.

truelife.

I might be on truelife. I have to do some thinking though. I'm really scared.

Soon, we'll be found

so I just like got up and around and the fucking nurse just got here and I'm having my morning smoke. I just want to be left alone on mornings like this. It's going to be a long day so please light a candle for me, let me know I'm in your prayers. Let's not fight, i'm tired can't we just sleep tonight? 20 more days, and I'm a free man.


ps todays song is sia - soon we'll be found

Remember me with laughter, not tears

What do I want out of life. Just a couple simple things.

I want;
To grow up, but remember what being a kid is.
To support a good cause, with my whole heart.
To find love, and to love him madly, with all my heart.
A simple wedding on the beach.
A house on the beach.
A good friend to always hold my hand when I need her.(Thanks carlyjo)
An office with my name on the door, business cards, and employees. I love power.
A mini cooper. Blue.
My lip pierced.
A couple more tattoos. All with a meaning.
To spend the rest of my life surrounded by the people I love.
A day to spend at the beach with carly. She's a sand and sun virgin.
My face on a coffee cup.
My face on a billboard.
I want to survive and help others in time of tragedy.
I want to go through life uninjured, and live past 50.
I want to be happy.
I want to live everyday to the fullest.
I want to die peacefully.
I want to make a difference.


PS I want my wedding on the shore, everyones in white, and khaki, it's a warm summer evening with a beautiful sunset to seal the deal. I want a table on the shore with the light globes from the vai vedrai scene in alegria around it and of course none of you have any idea what I'm talking about, because it's from cirque du soleil. I want like a metal wire birdcage for a center piece. That or a fish bowl. I just want one large table where me and a couple of friends can sit and laugh. I want to get married by a preacher who's easy going and chill. I want to get married in comfortable casual clothing...I really do. In a very intimate atmosphere, just me, my partner, my mom, brothers and friends. After we finish the ceremony I want to join my friends at the table to watch the sunset, and drink wine. After the wine enjoyment I want to go for a boat ride on the ocean, just watching the stars, maybe some fresh lobster and crab with more wine. I want that to be my wedding and reception. It's easy it's simple. I don't even want cake...I just want really good wine and really good seafood and I want my friends there. My friends mean the most to me, I think carly is going to be my best man? Not my brothers. I have three and I couldn't just choose one plus I don't want groomsmen...it's just too much, I want it simple. Easy. I think I want to fly my friends down for like a week before the wedding/ceremony just for the whole thing. I'm thinking four of my girls. Not their boyfriends unless I've gotten to know them before and then it's okay. But I want that to be MY day I want to spend it with MY friends. I'm going to be such a bridezilla, but for real isn't that like the easiest wedding ever? I mean come the hell on...it's simple and that's what I want. I really want the globes though, just wait till you see those bitches. OH and I forgot to mention, instead of a wedding planner I think carly is going to be the one to go shopping with us. I can't wait to meet the love of my life. Like literally.

I want all the things I do so all my friends who outlive me can go to the shore with my ashes in a box, sprinkle them in the deep sea. And come back to the same beach where I was married, sit at a table, drink great wine, and laugh. I don't want my death to be a sorrowful time, for anyone. I want my friends to remember me in laughter, not tears.

King me.

I am colorblind, and since fucking when can you play piano? You pretentious ball sucker. Any day mother fucker. Okay so I'm sorry that I haven't updated in 5 whole days omfb I know but this is why. I am moving to florida in a couple weeks and I had some stuff to do before I could make it happen. It's officially official. In a couple hours my mom is going to walk downstairs, and wake me up. I'm going to get a quick shower, get dressed and ready, drive 7.2 miles for coffee and come back where my mom will be all ready and looking fresh. We will then look at the notes we took the night before open our cell phones and pretend we know what we're doing. We'll be on the phone most of the morning. ugh. Ps he's STILL FUCKING TEXTING ME. jesus. I told the boy, we're over. He just doesn't get it. So anyways we have to finish all this stuff up tmr before I can officially move, it's going to be a long day. I only have 3 weeks left and I wil be counting down the days 21 today :) it's coming up fast and I'm ready to run So let's go with me baby get ready to roll. I'll be on my way to florida very fucking soon. I don't know if I can go though. This is me speaking honestly. I don't know if I can live without my mom, fuck you if you think I'm a mama's boy. My mother and I share a very special bond that a lot of people don't understand you can even ask car car. We're the best of friends in a mom son kinda way, she's always there for me, and always has been. I don't know if I can just shove off without her, especially when she's in this situation that she's in. It's going to be tough and I don't know quite yet how to react to it. Atleast I'll have my brothers. At some point I do need to move on but I think I'm a little different from them in the aspect that it's completely different from when they originally moved out and the 42 times to follow. Another one I don't know about is carly. I'm afraid that if not now, never and if not now when? I'm so scared that this will be the end of us, and I need her more than she knows, she keeps my pistons pumping...if you know what I mean. She's the soothing in the soft and the chill about the frost, she's the sting before the breath and the strength to keep it in. I don't know if I can deal without her. Florida is the MOST BEAUTIFUL state you'll ever see, it's geriatric heaven and it's sand and sun all year round, I think the first year will be tough I just have to keep in mind that I'm only going to be alone for the first year. After that I'm sure things will change, I'm sure my mom will be joining me, and I hope carly can do it even sooner. I know my mom can't but...she will. I know she will. It's just scary because the people who I rely the most on now, won't be around forever. Neither will I. I don't want to leave this world I live in now, but I know deep inside if I don't I'll regret it. I also know that I am not going to waste the best years of my life. I want to party I want to go buck wild and I want to do whatever the fuck it is I want. I do have priorities though. I owe some people a lot. I have to do this all in good time or not do it at all. And the scariest thing about it is, I'm going to be....on my own.

It's time to turn and face the music

Say hello to the composer
He's sitting to your right
He wrote every score
Every line of your life
Say hello to the maestro
He's waiting to begin
To lead the orchestra
Which you call your friends
Say hello to the piano player
He's about to play your soul
Every note, Every chord
And you feel it start, so slow
Say hello to your singer
She's singing just for you
Singing harmony, and melody
Every note, in perfect tune.
Now turn and face the music
Turn and watch the stage
This isn't Just another day
Another phase, another page.



It's time to face the music. I need to turn and listen to what is playing out in front of me. I wrote this masterpiece and I need to hear it played. It's a work in progress. I'm going to Florida. Soon. As in, a couple weeks. I've said it before but this time it's for real. I'm going to school there. In January, everybody smile and pretend you're happy for me...k thanks. And I'm excited for it. There's alot of very exciting things about moving, missing my best friend...is not. Oh carly.

Carly, I need you. In my life. All the time. This may just be the hardest thing to ever happen to us, other than all the death, distance and stupid bitches before this. :) I need you like air and quite frankly I'm not sure how I'm going to do this without you. This move is scarier than when I moved out at 14. I'm not quite sure what to do. I'll make it through somehow but I really want you with me. I'm hoping you'll join me soon. I'm hoping someday you'll join me in the sun. You deserve it.

uhm yes sir, I'm over you?

Go to hell, yes you and your friends.
Ughhhh why are gay people some drama whores. Okay so that's a stereotype and I realize we're not all like this but for real. I mean seriously wtf, my life is full of drama. Control your poison babe. I'm so tired and I'm at work and this is how my day went; I woke up and went to an early hair appt at the salon down the road and had my hair cut and toned, it looks good but cost my life. I need to figure something out, I'm not making enough money, it's not the economy...it's me. I really think it's me, I might go back too serving...I don't know. I'd love to get back into a restaurant. My bosses said I can't get my lip pierced or I have to take it out when I work, well you have to wait for it to heal first...Fuck that. I'm going to Florida and I'm going to work in telemarketing. I'm hungry for muscadines, and yes I hate my job. PS I'm over your bullshit lies, and pretentious kisses. They weren't that good anyways ;)

Lift your head, while they change the hospital sheets

I'm stressed as hell. Here's my update for ya. I work tmr. I'm tired. I went to see her in the hospital today, she's very sick, very sad, very rough looking. I think she's on her way out, she'll be stepping off the elevator and into his arms very soon. I'm going to miss our talks over ice cream, and the laughs we shared so many times, but I'm hoping and praying she'll be here for a while. I couldn't live with out her, she keeps me going, I swear it, she does. I've been with her just about everyday since she's been in. she's coughing all insane and the nurses can't do their job, they apparently get paid too much to change the sheets once in a while. It all pisses me off. Travis dumped me, we weren't really official but that's pretty much what happened, ALL I WANTED WAS A CHANCE, just a fucking chance. I couldn't get it. I fucking cancelled florida for that boy. And of course tonight he wants me to go see him because he's lonely? FUCK YOU, I have a trip to plan, I feel so fucking alone, one's dying, one dumped me, ones headed out, and one just wants in my pants. Which brings me to my next point my mother is going back to her house tomorrow, I also found out that she's doing volunteer work and getting thieved. Today was hard because I almost went to prison for murder. You have no idea how angry I was when I found this out. Yes her pot smoking boyfriend is a douche bag, yes he is a pussy, yes he thinks he's hott as mick jagger. But now he's fucking robbing her blind? dude. Some shit is about to blow. I can't tell you the anger and rage and hatred I have towards this man right now, but right now I am just trying to make it through the holiday season and hopefully when it's all over beating the shit out of him won't look as appealing. Also the bitching continues about prop 8, like I fucking care right now, stop sending me worthless fucking emails about blackballing companies, I'm sick of the childesh shit people pull when they're pissed. Whatever, get over it, new strategy please. So my lips are chapped as shit, and the other asshole only wants in my pants, nothing to do with my personality, or my smile, or anything else for that matter, just wants to fuck. Well I don't, thanks but I think I've been used enough lately. Really, thanks. It's flattering. Whatever. So after my mother, blackballing, work, sick friends, and assholes who dump me ish? yea. My hair which I died blonde...burnt...it looks really bad...like really really bad. whatever I don't give a shit, why? because I love it and that's all that matters. p.s. I'm still sick, and no I have not quit smoking nor do I intend to anytime soon. Funny, the earbuds I just bought don't fit. I hate everything right now, including myself, I hate the fact that this blog FUCKS UP MY TYPING BY SAVING A DRAFT EVERY TWO FUCKING SECONDS. I also hate the fact that everybody wants to call me and ask me about my away, and quit fucking blowing up my phone Nancy, I need some fucking time to myself. k? k. I also hate the fact that nothing I do can help carly, I hate the fact that I fucking live in allentown, and finally, last but not least I can't stand paula dean, she says ya'll every other word because people find it so cute? WTF. Also I have found a new maddening anger for dogs...I can't stand them anymore! IF ONLY ARSENIC WAS OTC.

so just because I'm moving to fucking florida?

pretty much, fuck this...I have alot to say, I'll be putting it all up here tomorrow, you can all just prepare for the world to end. it's quite the story...goodnight, TTYN

It's time to give it up.

I think I'm going to quit smoking. Maybe tomorrow.

Here's your future.

I will sing a song for you

I want someone to send me flowers.
Yes I do
Yes I do

And you will stomp your feet for me?




Jesus will dance while we drink his wine
soldiers and thieves and a sword in his side

Please chose logic...again

Somedays, I remember things I don't want to remember like walking down the hallways in my childhood church, colors, feelings, memories running through my head. Sometimes I wake up and think he's in the next room. Sometimes it just happens to be a great opportunity for a breakdown. Anyways as for my usual "thing to say" I had somebody scam me, and I won. I beat their stupid plan to make money off another person who doesn't pay attention to their credit slip, anyone who knows me knows I don't care about any of that shit. well it made it past my radar, for like a minute. And I called them and threatened them with a lawsuit and all is made right but I have to get a new card. God! I hate being incovenienced. Another problem I have, today is not the day okay, it hasn't been the day since I woke up this morning. Well I can't stand people who judge, even a little, because it's like, what right do you have? So anyways I had someone say to me "Your life is far from catastrohpe" I don't care if you think my life is perfect. Fuck you. I don't give a shit what anyone thinks of my life, I find my life to be one catastrophe after another. It's one big clusterfuck of shit. Most people who track this blog can say well yea greysons plumbing went to shit this morning, or he hit a deer yesterday. Everyday is something new. Like today I found out someone very close to me, who I love very much is very sick and dying. It's hard to imagine life without them. It's something I don't want to talk about, but for those of you who find my life better than what I make it...There's todays issue, now blow it out your ass, or keep reading. I don't care. Think about this, I'm 18 years old and I've lost more than you probably can fathom. I realize nobody has the perfect life and I know that I'm not the worst case scenario either but the fact is This blog is mine, to write about whatever the fuck I want and I want the respect from my readers that I don't get from therapists. I have had a million therapists tell me what my life is, trust me I've been analyzed. and analyzed. and analyzed. I don't need another therapist and I certainly don't need this shit. I'll continue to write I just don't know how much is going to be public. I'm never going to censor what I write I'm just going to do some thinking... I need some time....

In other news, I'll be working tonight, I spent the day with my co workers, her family, my family, hospital staff, and the plumber. I'll be working till two and travis is teasing the shit out of me. The problem is the fact that I have no idea what the fuck is happening in his head, and I just want to tell him what's up I just know it would be a bad idea. I wouldn't even know what to say. I really wouldn't, I like him so much, it's just confusing and of course the fill in won't quit texting me, apologizing and fighting with me because I told him I haven't done cocaine in a while. I guess after knowing someone for a month you get the right to get angry at them for past offenses. What the fuck? Like who's business is my life anymore? I feel like I have to have everything edited and re read before I send it over to the real world for more critisism where all my dreams await me

oh my oh my

And the plumbers are back.... I swear to God my life is completely comprised of plumbing horror stories, now that I think of it, in the last year Every place I've lived has had the worst plumbing in the world...minus Lohikan. At my place there I had like scalding water, which I love and My own water tank the size of the Atlantic. It was amazing, I never ran out of hot water, I could stay in the shower for days. And of course the plumbing here has sucked since day one. It's AWESOME. I'm also getting billed for random shit on my credit card. So I need to cancel that, because I can't cancel the charges. I think I was scammed somewhere down the line. Fuck my life people. So today is going to be a good day, I need to go get coffee and start my day.

And my dad says...

I have the worst fucking self conscious issues...I swear I feel like I'm drowning in my own judgement sometimes, and I mean it literally suffocates me sometimes, like when I go out, if I'm sober Sometimes I can hardly talk to people because I'm so anxious I make myself sick. And what's more? My reasoning is ridiculous and I know it. It makes me sad. It really does. I just want a hug.

We always knew you were a winner

i deleted everything in this post...cause it was mean and rude and uncalled for, and yea.

Mama, Mama, Mama
Shanti Shanti and Om
I think he takes out on me
What he wants to take out on you
Mama, Mama, Mama
How I wish you were home
Please let me say it
One time louder

again...

by the way did i mention that i grazed a sign post this morning pulling out of my driveway today. FML

NOT TODAY!

I do not have the time nor the energy for this today, of all days my morning could suck, today is not the day... here's today's story. I get up early, go to the God damn dmv, and once again I'm greeted with snarkyness. I go in, and head to the "service" desk, where I'm told that I have to have a piece of mail with me in order to change my address on my license. There's a fifteen day period in which you have to change your addy well it takes 30 days for your mail to completely switch, I don't get bills, soooo.... So the guy says to me, with of course the dmv holier than thou attitude which they all recieve in training, like their God's gift to the world for working at the fucking dmv. Okay so he says to me, I don't know what to tell you, gee thanks asshole. So I leave and come back with a ups box I ordered a catalog in. I said can I pay for this with cash or debit? No. Only money order or check, well seeing that I don't use checks I'm not going to get a money order to have my license switched, I told him I'm not going to do it, I'm just going to ignore it. He reminded me of the consequences, jail. To which I replied. "Go to hell. You can't have me arrested if you don't know my address." Yea I'm trying to avoid leaving a paper trail, by changing my fucking address on my license. jesus christ. like what are the prerequisites for working at the dmv. 1. Must be able to huff 1 quart of paint 2. Must be able to not crack under pressure 3. Must have a creative mind, for strategies on inconviencing people. LIKE WTF. FML to the max, I'm so sick of the dmv, fuck it, if the cops show up at house, which they won't cause they don't know my addy but if they do, I'll say whatever call up kevin, don't say I didn't try. Or I'll just deny it. They can't prove I'm greyson, I'm obviously not at 409 s west coudy. So they can all go to hell. And of couse it's 1100am and I'm dealing with the usual bullshit drama.... The woman upstairs is going to the er, again, this time for possible pneumonia. I'm so tired of the bullshit...Please save your greivances, please just not today. NOT FUCKING TODAY.

Say hello to all the boys on top of this table that you're under.

I've been making new plans
It's how I get by
And this is sorry for the last time

Romeo take me somewhere we can be alone
I'll be waiting all there's left to do is run

So I sneak out to the garden to see you
we keep quiet because we're dead if they knew
So close your eyes
Escape this town for a little while

But you were everything to me
I was begging you please don't go, and I said

Oh why can't you be, like my my waterpik shower massager
A sweet reliable machine.


I'm so dizzy, and sick and disoriented. It's ridiculous, I don't even know. So it's 330am and I'm blogging, jesus christ. By the way the lyrics are mayday parade taylor swift and 3eb. They're all the songs stuck in my head...ughhhh. I'm so tired, I think I'm going to try sleep again. I feel neurotic. Again.

And today I have thirty days, today is december 1irst

I can't think of one real thing to day
Why can't these meds be any damn good.

By the way, I'm out of the coma, kind of.
One thing you should all know, is I don't hold back. So here it goes. Adjusting the pillows it what really kills me, I can never seem to get comfortable these days. Love you. So it's been a long day and it's only 2:57, This morning I got up and helped bring Bitch #1 back home. It was such a good time. She's already fighting with her son. Shoot me in the face, she's such a bitch. So anyways, today was hard because I'm beginning to realize more and more how much money matters, and how shitty it can make life. It's a constant struggle and it pisses me off more and more each day. The more I struggle for money the more tempted I am to go buy some cheap ass pharmaceuticals and get this shit over with. I could end it all, any day. There are days when I wake up and think. What the fuck is stopping me? Why the fuck did I have to wake up again today, why am I alive to see another shitty day. And then I get the call "Are you coming into work today?" And I go outside, smoke a cigarette, take my first deep breath, deep drag, deep water and start my day. It's cycle. So My mother took the liberty today to call dentists in this area and find me a local dentist. I know!!! How touching. She wants me to call today and make an appointment, however I don't find myself ready to do that. I'd rather have a beer. I haven't been to the dentist in forever and I don't plan on seeing one anytime soon. Dentist = need for therapy, and they can all lick my balls. I also have been avoiding therapy. I don't care. My mom is currently on the phone with the fucking dentist's office, this would be the reason I want fucking out of this shit. I don't want to go the fucking dentist, I'm sick of being told, stand in line and single file, wait right here, and write this list. Seriously I'm so sick of being told what to do, when to do it, how to finish it, and why. It doesn't matter to me. I just want to do whatever the hell it is I want to do, I don't care if it's just what's on my mind. This is completely the reason I moved out in the first place, I realize I probably need to go to the dentist, that doesn't mean I should. I want cosmetic I really honestly could not give a shit of care to the health of my teeth. I really don't care if I have cavities, let them rot, and let me burn in hell. Really. It's what I want. So yesterday I agreed to go to dinner or lunch or whatever you want to call it, well we ended up going to wegmans, and I got sick and didn't want to eat. Reason being, there was a group of guys there who were bothering the shit out of me, They were all like businessey jocks who played high school basketball, and football I'm sure that's how they became friends, soon after they all attended the same college and majorred in sleeping around, with partying and a double major in drinking. I hate guys. Period. So I couldn't handle it, I felt completely out of place and unable to deal with it, so I didn't eat. Couldn't smoke cause we were spending quality time bitching together, it was amazing. Mom freaked out, and all I wanted was to scream my fucking head off. So we went to the mall and once again, wasn't hungry, wanted to go home, but we shopped and went home. No big deal. Right now, I just want a cigarette and I'm sick of listening to glenns shitty christman piano ballads, they make me want to burn something to the ground. No lie, and after burning something slice my wrists and die in the snow, that sounds so russian slash emo slash ridiculous slightly homicidal slash my bloody wrists. God I hate my life for real. And now my laptop is fucking up. So anyways the few days that I had to myself were nice, I just need a break sometimes. And I'm sick of people telling me to fucking pay the bill when I tell them my phones off for a couple days, I pay my FUCKING BILL ON TIME. Sorry this thing ended up so angry but for real some days I just need a break before I scream. In all honesty I don't know how much more of this I can take, I really don't. I'm sick of the unsurity I'm sick of the insecurity, I'm sick of always wondering and always freaking out in my head about something new, I'm just sick of all of it. I need some more crystal baller and 20 more milligrams of xanax.
P.s. The plumber did not come today, probably tomorrow and the electricty and plumbing are all fucked up beyond reason. Sorry about all of it. Just deal.


My grievances
I can't stand the bitch upstairs
I can't stand this fucking music
The plumbing is fucked up
So is the electricity
I'm tired
I'm still sick
I don't want to go the God damned doctor/oncologist/dentist/shrink
Everything smells like pier 1
and It's too damn hot in my apt.
All I want is a cigarette and to stop crying...Whatever I'll move on