And today I have thirty days, today is december 1irst

I can't think of one real thing to day
Why can't these meds be any damn good.

By the way, I'm out of the coma, kind of.
One thing you should all know, is I don't hold back. So here it goes. Adjusting the pillows it what really kills me, I can never seem to get comfortable these days. Love you. So it's been a long day and it's only 2:57, This morning I got up and helped bring Bitch #1 back home. It was such a good time. She's already fighting with her son. Shoot me in the face, she's such a bitch. So anyways, today was hard because I'm beginning to realize more and more how much money matters, and how shitty it can make life. It's a constant struggle and it pisses me off more and more each day. The more I struggle for money the more tempted I am to go buy some cheap ass pharmaceuticals and get this shit over with. I could end it all, any day. There are days when I wake up and think. What the fuck is stopping me? Why the fuck did I have to wake up again today, why am I alive to see another shitty day. And then I get the call "Are you coming into work today?" And I go outside, smoke a cigarette, take my first deep breath, deep drag, deep water and start my day. It's cycle. So My mother took the liberty today to call dentists in this area and find me a local dentist. I know!!! How touching. She wants me to call today and make an appointment, however I don't find myself ready to do that. I'd rather have a beer. I haven't been to the dentist in forever and I don't plan on seeing one anytime soon. Dentist = need for therapy, and they can all lick my balls. I also have been avoiding therapy. I don't care. My mom is currently on the phone with the fucking dentist's office, this would be the reason I want fucking out of this shit. I don't want to go the fucking dentist, I'm sick of being told, stand in line and single file, wait right here, and write this list. Seriously I'm so sick of being told what to do, when to do it, how to finish it, and why. It doesn't matter to me. I just want to do whatever the hell it is I want to do, I don't care if it's just what's on my mind. This is completely the reason I moved out in the first place, I realize I probably need to go to the dentist, that doesn't mean I should. I want cosmetic I really honestly could not give a shit of care to the health of my teeth. I really don't care if I have cavities, let them rot, and let me burn in hell. Really. It's what I want. So yesterday I agreed to go to dinner or lunch or whatever you want to call it, well we ended up going to wegmans, and I got sick and didn't want to eat. Reason being, there was a group of guys there who were bothering the shit out of me, They were all like businessey jocks who played high school basketball, and football I'm sure that's how they became friends, soon after they all attended the same college and majorred in sleeping around, with partying and a double major in drinking. I hate guys. Period. So I couldn't handle it, I felt completely out of place and unable to deal with it, so I didn't eat. Couldn't smoke cause we were spending quality time bitching together, it was amazing. Mom freaked out, and all I wanted was to scream my fucking head off. So we went to the mall and once again, wasn't hungry, wanted to go home, but we shopped and went home. No big deal. Right now, I just want a cigarette and I'm sick of listening to glenns shitty christman piano ballads, they make me want to burn something to the ground. No lie, and after burning something slice my wrists and die in the snow, that sounds so russian slash emo slash ridiculous slightly homicidal slash my bloody wrists. God I hate my life for real. And now my laptop is fucking up. So anyways the few days that I had to myself were nice, I just need a break sometimes. And I'm sick of people telling me to fucking pay the bill when I tell them my phones off for a couple days, I pay my FUCKING BILL ON TIME. Sorry this thing ended up so angry but for real some days I just need a break before I scream. In all honesty I don't know how much more of this I can take, I really don't. I'm sick of the unsurity I'm sick of the insecurity, I'm sick of always wondering and always freaking out in my head about something new, I'm just sick of all of it. I need some more crystal baller and 20 more milligrams of xanax.
P.s. The plumber did not come today, probably tomorrow and the electricty and plumbing are all fucked up beyond reason. Sorry about all of it. Just deal.


My grievances
I can't stand the bitch upstairs
I can't stand this fucking music
The plumbing is fucked up
So is the electricity
I'm tired
I'm still sick
I don't want to go the God damned doctor/oncologist/dentist/shrink
Everything smells like pier 1
and It's too damn hot in my apt.
All I want is a cigarette and to stop crying...Whatever I'll move on