bitch

I'm going to post all the emails you sent me, just cause you're a cunt and prank calling me right now. k. get ready folks.

_____________________________________________________________________
i do have better friends. in fact, i'd go as far as to say that Hitler((must be she personally knows hitler???)) would be a better friend to me than you are right now, than you've been for months.

the problem isn't me being insecure, because i'm not anymore. the problem isn't that i'm jealous, because i'm not that anymore either. the problem is i'm INSANE, i've had professionals tell me. YOU overanalyzed. YOU assumed. and YOU were immature.

you wouldn't know high road if it bit you in your face.

((I don't even use the expression high road....stoners do))


______________________________________________________________________

***keep calling you'll regret it when you read this. Bitch***


sorry to stalk you. =P

but is everything okay? i can't help but feel that you might be upset at something i said? or is it something else? sorry to bug you but i just thought i'd ask.

whatever it is, i hope you're okay and i'm here if you need to talk.

((obsession?))

______________________________________________________________________
Subject: well, congradulations ((great vocab btw))


this is probably the dumbest decision you've made thus far.
please don't ever contact me again.
and you can leave those paintings with carly,((the vangohs))
i'd rather get them from her than not get them at all.
that is, if you haven't destroyed them.((idk wtf they are lol))
which has been sitting in the back of my mind since the day
you destroyed my mug.((awwwww shouldn't have given it back))
and you know what? you're right, i did make better friends.
much better friends, than you could have possibly been to me.((boo hoo bitch))
goodbye, and good riddens.

_______________________________________________________________________
so, this is your final chance to tell me exactly what the fuck is going on, why you had to contact me about something i already knew, after blatantly informing me that i no longer hold a place in your life. (( she called me on "accident" and I told her to leave me alone, I called her?))((let's admit we have a problem))

if your answer is because you just wanted to remind me about the paintings, that you seriously never want anything to do with me again, then don't even reply to this, don't waste your time. and if that is the case, then it's fine, but i'm walking away if it is, and from that point on it will have been wayyy too late for you to ever change your mind.((the vangohs, lots of money, for shit on canvas?))

but if there is something else there, i would strongly suggest that you tell me. you don't have to be specific, but you should at least let me know so i'm not left completely in the dark with nothing but a used match.
i may not deserve your friendship((true story!))
but i certainly do deserve respect, and the truth- for once.
((why does truth have a dash???))
[if you need time, i'm obviously willing to comply
because i definitely was complying, until this little incident. i just want you to grow up, and tell me, instead of cowering behind your striking ability to be quiet, and ignore people.]
((wtf is with the brackets? and ignore people? I thought I was supposed to not contact her))

if you choose to keep up with this little charade, (( sounds like ))
this little cat and mouse game that you think i am oblivious to, if that's what this is,
you will seriously lose me as a friend, forever. (( OLD NEWS ))
and by forever i don't mean for the next two months
or the next twenty years
i mean 'you can be on your death bed at the age of 96, and i will be in Tahiti, sipping lemonade, far away from you' forever.((tahiti? spelled wrong, and she means ulysses sipping miller lite painting pictures of her cousin/husband mowing the lawn))
that could be good or bad for you
i really don't know, that's why i am sending you this message.
and it's why i'm still up at 2 in the morning.
((oh god not the 2am line!))
this is not a threat or a ploy,(( no never threats...never))
and this is not me begging you for your friendship (( wink wink))
because- in all honesty, you're never going to be my best friend again.(( shame))
but this is me giving you a chance to be my friend. ((what a prize at that))
one more chance, for me to not hate you.(( see all the fun we could have?!?!))
to step outside of my own comfort shell, one last time, as a sinning human being full of anger and pain, to be the bigger person, to not allow what has happened to me to take away my ability to forgive, and to love everyone with equal fashion.
this is me warning you that you are so close to pushing me all the way out the door, where i will leave and never, ever come back again- because i am honestly at the end of my rope with this mess and i'd rather just be done with it or on with it instead of waiting around for you to get your head out of your ass.
______________________________________________________________
THE INFAMOUS NOVEL AS CARLY & I CALL IT


so you don't have to read this.((rightttttttttt))
if you do, i'll know that you at least care a little bit, that i wasn't completely wrong about you- and if you don't, it will let me know that i'm not losing much.

it's a win win situation for me, i guess.
i know you're not used to me being optimistic but i kind of have to in this situation. it's a part of me that i'm working on, and so far it's worked, for the most part.

i just want, first of all, to apologize. i've always tried really hard not to stoop to your level [no offense]((of course not)) but i did, in that voicemail, and it was a mistake to cut you out of my life. that might be what you want for yourself, or me, but it's just not what i want. if i could change my feelings, i would, but i can't. i love you, you asshole. hah. jesus. not in that way, but i genuinely love you as a person, and i miss you as a friend. that's unfortunately one part of me that i don't have the strength to alter, because- believe me- i've tried. no matter what i say, i know my door will always be open if you need that.
i haven't listened to a single teb song again, since the fourth of july. dead serious. i just can't.

***paragraph deleted***
***paragraph deleted***
***paragraph deleted***
***paragraph deleted***
***paragraph deleted***
***paragraph deleted***
***paragraph deleted***
***paragraph deleted***
***paragraph deleted***
***paragraph deleted***
***paragraph deleted***
***paragraph deleted***
***paragraph deleted***
***paragraph deleted***
***paragraph deleted***

i love you, whether or not you ever speak to me again. i love you so much that i think i might live in denial for the rest of my life, that you might be getting back to me. just know that, as fucked up as i happen to be, if anyone ever tells you you're incapable of something or not mature enough, or not good enough, that i'd tell him or her to go fuck themselves, you're the best friend i've had and you can do anything you set your mind to.

im getting a tattoo too, but i dont think i want to tell you what it is. i think i'll leave that in fate's hands.
((it's probably my face on her tit or something))
love always,
amanda

((creep ass and no I didn't exxxxxxxxxxxagerate the length at all"
____________________________________________________________
HAHAHA I HAVE NO COMMENTARY FOR THIS ONE I JUST CAN'T





i'm really sorry for contacting you.
i just woke up with the fear -rational or not-
that when this two months has passed,
you'll have nothing to do with me
and blame God for it, because it's the easier thing to do
so whatever. i dont know, sorry for being nuts
and if you don't contact me, then that's all good
i think this break would be a good idea.
an excellent idea, it's better for our friendship in the long run
but the dream i had last night scared me a bit.
i'd just like to know if it's a break or if it's forever.
i think satan is playing head games. idk. or i'm just retarded
both are strong possibilities.
i won't contact you again, after this, unless you return my message, which you wont.
at least one of us is listening to God
but i think you have the easier end of the deal anyway.
since you're the one getting your phone number changed, after like this summer has past it's up to you to get ahold of me.
again, sorry for contacting you.
this will be the last time, i swear.

L TO THE O TO THE L
__________________________________________________________________

first of all sorry for contacting you
and i still am not quite clear as to what i did to ruin this
but i'm sure you think so, so, there's not too much i can do about it. i just want you to know, that as lowly as you think of me, i do love you, a lot. that's not an apology; they never get me anywhere with you anyway. i am never going to be that person you want me to be. i just went to my parents', and my mother re-confirmed that. i am never going to be the person anyone wants me to be, so i just have to deal with that. i am seriously not just saying that, i know that i am a failure. and i am really sorry for ever befriending you. your life may have been a little easier had i never even spoken to you. there is so much i need to say to you, but i just can't. thank you, i guess, for showing me your true colors. i wish i would have seen them a little bit sooner i guess. i dont know why you think i'm superficial, or a bitch, really... but if you do and you were honest with me about it, i guess that's a step in the right direction for you. i left that mug on your porch because i figured if i was going to get over this friendship i should get rid of everything that reminds me of you. and i would feel guilty if i destroyed that cup, or threw it away, so i just let you do it. i think you should be grateful that i didn't bother you or contact you. i just left it on your porch and left. i really hope you do enjoy your life, and for all of my wrong doings, i'm sorry. again. i don't really want your forgiveness, i want you to know that, everything else aside, i do love you. i couldn't stop if i tried, because- God love me- I definately have.
.... ((crazy bitch))
____________________________________________________________
i have my bad days
this was one of them.
THAT'S NO EXCUSE, i know.
im sorry about the jealousy thing,
i love carly to death.
its just that after all our gdamn fights,
im scared of losing you as a friend.
that's all i want, i dont want you to make neon signs and tell the whole world that you're my best friend. or that im yours, whatever it is.
i just want to know that we're friends, and there are stupid little brain ninjas that remind me sometimes that we can be really bad for eachother. you know?
but im starting to realize that the though of us not being good for the other to have as a friend is coming from a lot of outside sources.
and im a paranoid freak, and im sorry for that too.
i don't hate the label of best friends,
i hate the negative things that come from it you know?
i hate that you feel confined in it
i hate that i feel confined in it
and i hate hearing 'why are you greys best friend?!'
when i know you're an amazing guy who deserves my bestfriendsmanship.
so i dont want to keep this shit up
i've said that and said that
and im sorry that i keep failing
but, believe it or not, im really trying
i know you deserve my trust
it's just hard to hand it out sometimes.
i know that i need to earn your trust as well
i am not set out to ruin your rep, greyson dale.
and thank you for being there, even when i fail.
i am honestly just afraid that you're going to see a shitty person in me, even though we both know that im not shitty, i just think i am sometimes
and any logical person, or illogical in your case-otherwise this wouldn't count-, would see how fun carly is and be like, fuck that bitch[being me], i want an easy friendship. one that doesn't involve insanity and fights all the time.
so i think that because im like that, i assumed you would be.
sorry.
i am really sorry for my attitude today
and for leaving
i know now that you weren't trying to leave me out
i just thought you guys thought i was making life awkward, and wanted me not to be there.
yeah, i was pissy, but the main reason i left was that i didnt think you guys wanted to be around me.
i know you hate my lack of self confidence, so im sorry that i said that, just want you to know what was going on.
not that you care, as you've pointed out.
i dont like that i made an awkward situation today
i shouldn't have thought that in the first place
let's face it- im an asshole sometimes.
i admitted it, save it for future reference if you wish, lol.
and if you forgive me and things are whatever again
you will not see this side of me again
because, like you said, this is immature and im 20 years old
unless you like tell me to get lost because im not good enough. haha.
___________________________________________________________


okay I'm too tired to make you look any worse
goodnight.




p.s. you're still a bitch.

FUCK YOU

You're so worthless it amazes even me sometimes. You bitch at me because you can't stay away? You're a stupid cunt and everyone hates you but nobody has the balls to tell you because they're afraid you're going to slice your wrists open. Ya know, you wrote me a letter, here's mine you stupid fucking cow;
Dear bitch:
I hate you, I have some things to tell you. I haven't told you these things because I have been too worried that you would go through with the suicide you've threatened us all with and in my mind it would be my fault. Even though it has nothing to do with me. Well here's a cheers to honesty. I no longer care. You are free to kill yourself just as you are free to breathe. Which I would prefer is none of your business. I hate you, because of the following...
You are a stalker, whose been in love with me for 5 years, and has a sick obsession with my personality.
You talk about things that I hate, because you think I love them.
I hate that.
I hate you because you're ugly, you're not ugly because I hate you, although that may have something to do with it.
You think you're such an amazing person when really there's nothing attractive to me about you. I don't think we click AT ALL.
I think you're stupid. You don't have an IQ of a million stop acting like you do.
You keep saying I treated you rudely and caused you to turn into a cold hearted bitch
NEWS FLASH, you were a cold hearted bitch when I met you and you followed me home on numerous occasions and held me hostage by sitting on the porch and refusing to leave without talking. YOU HELD ME HOSTAGE IN MY CAR!
YOU FUCKING PSYCHO
I just want to punch you in the face, because I feel you're that dumb.
Treat me like an asshole? go to hell!
Okay so moving on...
IT'S NOT A VANGOH! stop acting like I robbed you of millions, I don't have a single fucking clue where your art is to this day. P.s. my autistic niece could SHIT art better than whatever the fuck that is, it wasn't worth the price of the canvas!
You keep saying that you have better friends, your friends are all pot heads who can't keep a job, and one in particular considered himself a gay alcoholic at 7 years old but he denies that now so it's okay, and how many cars has he wrecked while drunk/high/tweaked out on coke? yea and the other one almost went to jail for being involved in grand theft auto with a drug ring?!?!?! wtf is your problem?
You're trash, your family is trash, always have been always will be, anyone in your shit town will say the same.
Don't I dare walk those streets again? Oh I dare, because you don't dare touch me. I could see you trying to kill me though and that's what scares me the most.
Stop acting like an apostle, all the apostles were under 600 lbs, and somewhat intelligent when it came to scripture. They also didn't have tattoo's, fucking random piercings, shitty highlights and dreams about kurt kobain.
I hate the fact that you think the world revolves around you. I'M A BIGGER CELEB THAN YOU AND YOU WERE IN THE NEWSPAPER MULTIPLE TIMES! Ask 20 people if they know me or you...I'll win. Go ahead do it. trust me EVERYONE knows me. you're invisible. and thank god for that. I'm also going to post your email that you sent me you frigid bitch.

oh and one more thing, I couldn't care what you think about me, and me being a failure, you're a fat retarded bitch and I'm more popular, why should I care. You wanna play high school, bitch! I get down! Enjoy the restraining order you CUNT


the email I received after following the frigid bitches wishes and not speaking to her, not contacting her, or thinking about her. fucking bitch:
and I qquotee

"""""

thanks for that little song; it was cute. fyi- we haven't been best friends in a long ass time, and that was your decision. anddd, since you have acted the way you have throughout the years, you have more than proven how fake of a friend you actually were.

i haven't done anything to you, aside from leaving you alone- which you have done to me as well. you make a big deal of nothing. sorry i have a life.

today, i met my brother, that i haven't seen in years. he is amazing, and i couldn't begin to explain how happy i am to have met him. to have opened that door. not that you care, but it was a great day for me- and not even you can bring me down, buddy. it's funny, i really wanted you to know about my amazing experience today. i wanted to go against God Himself and tell you, but THANK the good lord I have friends that remind me of how much of a fuck you actually are. Verbatim, Greyson. "He's a fuck, don't waste your time."

good thing i didn't, but if i'm a former friend that you hate- thank you. gives me a little breathing room.

have a good one- i don't want to hear from you again. i have the friends and family that i need, and i prefer you to be out of my life anyway- if you haven't picked up on that in the past month or so.

"""""

haha xoxo cuntbag


You truly are the herpes to my beautiful life you piece of shit. Rot in hell.

fuckkk

So I think I'm going to start putting the songs that I listen to into while writing into the blogs I write so you can listen to the song and read it. So...maybe it will give you a little bit more insight into how I'm feeling when I write it.

Right now I'm listening to TATU - All the things she said.

Okay so in talking with one of my readers, I realized. I need out. I need to figure out how to get stable and I need a full time job to do so and I need to go on vacation. I want a dad...I know random and off topic but honestly, My picture perfect dad never made it to curtain call. He never even left the dressing room and that's what sucks. you spend all your life waiting for the moment when you'll see him and forget about the shitty childhood that was just bland, bleak, dark and depressing and then everything and I mean EVERYTHING falls through the floorboards and into a funeral home. I didn't go to my own fathers funeral. I feel terrible for it but jesus I was just a kid.

the song just changed to kid cudi - Day and Night


And I'm getting heavily involved in online conversations
I want to go swimming so fucking bad right now.

guess i left this window up all day okay so here's round two..

Okay so I just finished up raking leaves...I feel like my quality of life has fucking gone down. It fucking sucks. I haven't showered today and I feel disgusting, but of course I've met with two different physical therapists, a CNA and went to the post office. FML. I need a breath of fresh air.

dear friend...

ugh my former friends really suck

I've been listening to musicals and fighting with former friends all morning...sorry i know it's been forever. but I am getting back into the swing of things. being unemployed isn't as awesome when it's cloudy in cold. and like I've always said. there's nothing cute about taking a drag in denim or puking in pumps. these vices are killing me but I've still got them. I've got marches to make and books to write. So anyways still don't have a job, my brother might be going to prison, my mom is going crazy, I'm living at home with no money to send my clothing here. My taxes are with my clothing...those will probably be late, I'll just keep procrastinating. Trying to find a job sucks, I've applied to atleast 50 places nobody wants a college drop out it just doesn't look good on a resume, I'm sure of it. I really want to work for joey but I no longer live near him. He'll be in philly on sunday but I can't go to philly for an interview because I have no car and no cash to put gas in it. I almost started working at the gay bar but glenn gave me cash so I didn't and now I have 4 dollars to my name and it's not enough for a car, apartment or new clothing. Maybe I'll just go homeless when it warms up a little. I don't know, everyone knows what I need except me. I've been told by numerous people lately. "you need to figure out what you want" I know what I want in the future, but now...not so much, what I want is to know how to figure out what I want. I don't even know where to start and I feel like I'm behind the world again. I used to think I was just as fast and keeping up with traffic but now it doesn't seem as clear. I have no idea where my life is going, when, how or why. I'm dying for some clarity in all these applications



pssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssipromiseillstartwritingmoreitsjustivebeenreallybusy.

=]]

Some random things I found on my laptop before clearing it:


Lift your head while they change the hospital sheets.
It took her three months to quit
But only a day to live the life she dreamed.
Justifying nothing
Believing not a thing
Speaking the truth
Doing her own damn thing




another,

Only you would make a heart break with a smile and only you would make my heart break worth my while.

here's another,


So I’ve decided that my everyday life is an amazing drama, and the whole audience is in shock and terror, it sucks that they need subtitles for everything that goes on, everything, even my thoughts are interrupted by the narrarator on the phone.

And another,

It was when I finally came to, and saw the disgustingness of what I was doing, it was then I wanted to cry. I never had before. There in that trailer, I had let I go too far and when I had finally finished what sodomy I thought I could handle, I was out of breath. I couldn’t speak. I finally inhaled and said, “I should go.” I whispered though in my mind I was screaming. All he had to say was “That’s okay, are you okay?” and he smiled. I said “I’m fine, please just- I need to go”. I realized that night while I struggled for the nicotine in the drag, that standing in this mans driveway feeling disgusted with myself, was worthless, and it wouldn’t get me anywhere. I decided to move on, and I did. Finally I came to realize, that in order for me to feel great about myself, I had to stand some ground, I had to have boundaries. I now have much higher standards for any man I meet, and I will never stand in the driveway of a mans trailer dying, again.


But I am at the ocean, and you are at the Delaware
Where did we drift apart?
Like waves from a boats moor,
We failed to stay together
And now we have become bitter
It’s overcast here,
And it’s as if life itself has faded
With the boggyness of fall
It’s never clear here anymore
And neither is my head,
But I am at the ocean and you are at the Delaware…
My friend.


Some more!

Have you ever seen the ground move?
I’ve seen it breathing
Caressing each blade of grass with ease
What a beautiful breeze
I’ve seen whipperwills
Whip through the thrashing of it’s chest
I’ve seen the sun warm it’s very energy
And as I watched I thought aloud
Am I the only one to experience reality
One piece at a time.
I feel alone as I watch the lake
It’s skin thrown and thrashed
The way pebbles fall to sidewalks
With tugging, and shrugging of the shores


omg there's more?!?!?
to come...

And the two just collide

And they just collide together
and the two are one
without a seam to tell the one from two
and it will go on and on and on and on
and it will forever be
Because it is just one
And they were just two
Until I chose to discuss this with you
And they became one
In the middle of the darkness
And they’ve always been a unit
Because they function as the same
Giving me a sense of peace
And fear
A sense of sensibility and serenity
And nobody is going to steal that from me





Am I understood.

whats up with my fucked up dreams?

Okay so I had a dream that I was reading a coozie and this is what it said:

right leg wear this knowing, fierce black stiletto
left leg don't wear a shoe
Cause I'm afraid that when these girls speak
it's the last lie they'll ever tell


That's the closest to what it said that I can remember...yea.

Another apology.

I'm a liar.
I'm irresponsible.
I'm belligerent.
It was fun.

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry to you for all the times I put the bottle before you. And I'm sorry for all the times I acknowledged it in my own mind, and didn't stop myself. I'm so sorry that I let you down, and I'm sorry that I wasn't there.
I'm not sorry that I had a great time, and I don't regret it. I know I did things I shouldn't have, and I know I went against my very own morals. I know that I made bad decisions. But it was a damn good time. I loved every minute of it. I lived my days in recovery and my nights under bright lights. Living every moment.

Through all of this I have one thing to say.
I'm sorry. There's nothing I can do to fix it now, but I am. I am so sorry. I can't lose you, I'd give anything for you, and I don't know what I would do without you. I need you. Like you needed me. I'm sorry. There's nothing to be done now. but I would give anything to try. Please let me be the Greyson Dale you know. Please let me be, that part of you that's been missing. Please,just hear you me. I'm sorry.

so about that job of yours

okay and p.s. I think sometimes I just can't deal with life without a little controversy I want to include a question in this blog soooo bad but I can't I feel like it would just be too much controversy and that's never good. Oh also I think I'm going to go to work for a surf camp in Hawaii. That's what I'm thinking. I kinda want to work on a cruise-line though. I'm not sure yet. why not though? I could travel for two months. I like that increment.

HAHA my karma is probably so bad.

So, I'm doing a victory dance once again. Annette stopped posting... Haha, just had to rub that in. I told you bitches, I'm a dangerous woman. Somedays I feel unstoppable other days people just tell me. So anyways it's almost 4 am I need to go to bed. I think tmr we're remodeling some things. I have no Idea what though.



p.s. "Annette" everyone thinks you suck. MWAH
Raspberries to you!

Oh &&& Carly... 4 wheelin? Eh? When?

I'm a totured soul

Why can I not just get my feelings and emotions straight? I can't figure myself out. Literally 5 minutes ago I was thinking to myself how much I really do belong here. Yet now I'm looking at the sky and I know I don't. But do I know or am I thinking? I'm fucking 19 I can't understand anything and everyone says oh this is a learning period you're figuring out who you are. I know who I am, I just don't understand how being ass backwards 24/7 is a learning experience. I don't find this environment at all to be conducive to learning. I feel like such an idiot. I want to have a good paying job and I need to be able to go shopping when I want. Ugh! I need moneys!!! I hope that my taxes will be enough and that possibly I can just buy some shit car and go from there. My madre told me 4 months is when I'll be moving out. well i'm switching up the schedule a little because I'm not going to live here for 4 months jesus christ. I hate this house. I'm not staying.

Cause you are my heaven

p.s. I hate airports....It seems like every time I fly my eyes are bloodshot, exhausted, stressed out and have a blood pressure falling nowhere near normal. I'm so sad right now. As the sun rises in this small airport, I begin to realize all the things I'm leaving and all the things I'm going back to. The things I'm leaving seem so much more severe and much worse than the things I'm going back to. I'm leaving what I thought was my fist official leg of independence, I've left family, time with friends, a whole summer and a pair of sunglasses which I'm very upset about here. I wish I had them right now, just to shade my tears...just a little. I'm also leaving the neighbor who was AMAZING and so sexy. I'm going to miss the 70 degree mornings and the 80+ degree nights, I'm going to miss the sun, and the moon, which always seems bigger, brighter, whiter and never as alone in Florida. Last night I laid in my neighbors arms, yes the same neighbor who gave me the most amazing birthday! I laid in his arms and the same words of the same old song kept circling my head, as if the band was playing in the walk in. I laid there and heard it, clear as his voice in my ear... "You are my heaven..." I think I've finally come to my senses... I need to change, a lot of things, major one is my lifestyle, I can't keep partying like I have been, I can't keep this scene going forever. I can't take EVERY guy home, and I sue as hell don't intend to...I also need to change my attitude. I don't think I've been keeping a positive attitude on a lot of things. Maybe this move is for the better. I just need to learn to realize that in the moment. Every spur of the moment decision I make feels so great. I think it's because in that moment everything is under my control and if it's not, I made sure it wouldn't be. I'm going to miss the sun, but it's time to go. I'm going to miss you, but please just remember...you are my heaven. It's time to start walking into the sunshine.

goodnight worldo

what nothing new on a monday night? boo.


So I've become a trend whore I've been listening to Katy Perry Thinking Of You" like I'm feigning for it. It's terrible I know. I've got issues. So I'm a little depressed a little on edge, a little outrageous, and very excited to be moving home. I need it.
I need to be home, I need to get my life straightened out, I can't do that here. I need to be in school, I need to be working, I need it so bad. I need my family and friends things just aren't working out here. I finally put things together and found out who it's been. Whatever I hate people who are that disgustingly smug. WhatEVAH so I'm going back to work for my previous bosses....OMFG I can't wait!!!! they finally got the lounge finished and some other things from what I've heard. I'm starting to wonder when the fuck am I going to quit smoking? But to be honest right now is just not a good time at ALL. I'm just too stressed but I want to face the world sober I'm sick of fighting all my problems with a beer and a smoke it's too much. OK I'm going to finish this cigarette, go inside with my brother and maybe write some more in my book. Goodnight blog

omg...I finally figured it out

she's jealous. even though she has the "best of everything" and all I have is a pair of RL's and a fake louis wallet... she's jealous. She's upset because I have a life, and friends, who happen to be awesome. And 169 profile views...she has 3 which are all me. She's also upset because there is not enough controversy on the internet...I'm surprised the hasn't left me a prop 8 comment...or maybe she did...Idk. Hunny, go home, nobody here agrees with you. I'm getting phone calls about how stupid you are. My readers don't like you. Please go away. Thanks. geez. so onto something more important...


I'm a low life also. I finally told the IT guy what I thought we broke it off...quite well actually. The usual fight to break a relationship. I'm starting to realize I'm just not cut out for this. I don't want relationships and I don't want one night stands. I need something new. I just don't know what. maybe it's closure. I'm sorry to all the men I've hurt. I'm also very sorry that I am now known as the heart break kid. My life is such a beautiful disaster. It's kinda scary really. I have limits. I'm not invincible but I am the king. I will not be pushed around and I think people know that. I think this is the biggest rebellious stage EVER. Other than that one time lol. So anyways, I'm considering going back to therapy just because I haven't been and it's not good to not go. I've been in therapy since high school and to all the sudden not go? Not a good idea. Okay I need to go take a shower and finish packing...smooches.

oh my goodness my

Oh, I'm so glad to be leaving...I cannot get the boys to leave me alone now...every corner I turn there's more, more, more. I'm trying not to get very angry today although I have a feeling a blowup will occur later. Who knows? So anyways it's a good time, this place isn't quite my hustle. Too many nosy overloaded snob ass mother fuckers who feel it's their place to judge have found the internet. Yea well fuck them. Whoops, did I start? Yes I did. I never posted the blog about Annette, it just sounded too rude. Mr.Anonymous, sweetcheeks99 and now Annette, when will you ever learn? I'll shut you down each time. Now watch this: I know you're a piece of shit, I don't need to justify this blog to anyone but keep it up and I'll just write more for you to read every day. Nothings going to change, I'm not afraid of petty people, I've fought people like you for years! You think you're bigger than me? HAHA I wish you could only see, so do me a favor shut the fuck up or say something to me. Not at me, to me. My emails in my profile. I'm actually pretty descriptive in it. Maybe because I'm not some internet coward. Oh and by the way...FUCK YOU.

fuck my whole life....seriously just fuck the shit out of it.

I hate this, I'm moving back to Pennsylvania because my family is so fucked up it's unreal. I can't even handle it. For real...my life is sucking right now and not because of anything I did but because of my family who cannot for the life of them be normal. I wish I would've been born a WASP. For real what I wouldn't give for a sober, forgiving, understanding, and open minded family without regrets. No lie, people don't ever see me behind the mask...if you could see my past I think alot of opinions about me would change...okay I need to go drink a little bit and fuck the pain away. Thanks mom for making me this mad... I hope the way I live my life makes you fucking proud!

Day and night

I'm moving back to Pennsylvania and it's a good thing, last night I was in the gay bar, drinking up a storm. I made it back to the apartment and threw my life up into my toilet. It was then that I realized...I didn't sign up for this. I'm a professional, not an alcoholic. I don't know what I'm doing. That scares me. I don't want to drink like that anymore. But seriously, if I start drinking, I just want to drink till I'm dead. I laid on my bathroom floor for an hour last night going in and out of puking, fainting, sweating and breathing. It was terrible. I don't want this anymore. I want a simple normal life and I need to go back to PA to get my life straightened out. fuck what other people say, I need to live my life and do this for me.

fuck yeah

fuck what other people say... I just got the best advice of my life....it's time to live my life for me!

vino

I never said you would make it to be 60 years old.
But if you did, would you live till you were 60?

I would.
I live every day without hesitation. I live my life without justification.
I live every moment as if my dying breath comes next. I breathe the air in my lungs as if it will disappear. I walk every step as if there's a cliff waiting ahead. I look at the sky everyday as if it were never blue. But I never get that good feeling anymore, only when I look at you.

okay, so yesterday was my birthday

here's a list of things I accomplished:
I turned 19
I left work early
I drank 2 full bottles of wine
I managed to make a complete ass of myself in less than 4 hours
I found out why I'm moving
I sat in a jacuzzi for HOURS on end
I made out with my neighbor in the jacuzzi
I fucked my neighbor...it was amazing
I lied to alot of people
I went to drag queen bingo
I shot an airsoft gun
I yelled at everybody
I announced to everyone I'm leaving
I realized...I don't belong with the IT guy from work
OR my neighbor
I got more drunk than I think I've ever been
I had the time of my life &&&
I survived!

I had the time of my life on my birthday we all went to horsefeathers for drag bingo, everybody sang to me, I made a complete fool of myself on only one bottle of wine. I loved it...all of it. I can't wait for 20 to get here because it was fucking AWESOME.
cheers to me!