I'm here for your entertainment

Hello hating my body. Oh God this workout was the worst idea EVER! I have to be pretty though...this weekend I have to go buy new workout gear so I can look sexy at the gym. I'm hoping to be fabulous. I'm moving into the city and the idea of leaving my mom is totally weird. I have a sick connection with her.... for real I need to cut the cord already. People are judging. I just love her too much. Anyways, it's off to bed for this boy... Enjoy the video ;)

Wow.....

I'm so sorry I haven't blogged in ages... please don't be angry. I've been so busy, and broke...(I'll send your money!) It's been crazy! The good news is, gradually things are getting better, everyday. Soon I will be standing on my own two feet. I swear it!

So tomorrow I begin my new workout!
I have decided I'm going to build a new me for key west in just over 30 days... so I am going to work my ass off! I begin my workout tomorrow night, with lifting a cardio.
The plan is
Cardio in the morning 2-3 hrs, eating small throughout the day and then at night 1-2 hrs of lifting. This workout is going to kill me. I swear it! The problem is, I can't have 100's of queens trying to maul me because I'm the only one who can crack walnuts with their ass, or because I don't have a washboard. Instead I've chosen to have 30 days of Britney momentum, the appetite of Mary Kate Olsen, and the determination of Dorothy! The wizard will have abs for me yet!
I've decided to post my progress as I bloat myself to hell by drinking a case of water a day, as well as starve my body of any real nutrients. Lots of protein, Cum is full of protein, if only I could find an endless supply! Also I have to stop smoking, which if you ask me is bullshit. Marlboros are much cooler than high tops. Whatever.
So tomorrow I will be writing more, as well as posting before pictures...if I ever take them. I'll probably be bloated from drinking all this tasteless fluid called water. I don't get the point, it doesn't burn going down. Why drink it?

Workout music anyone? Daft Punk Kanye Style - Harder

Help

I hate my job.
I don't want to get paid. Ever. Again.
I want to run away to another country build a life with the natives and live off the land. I want to be a local. &&& I honestly think it's because I've always been so fucking desperate to fit in.

Ugh.... fuck it. I crave adventure every day. I'm hungry for it. I can't stand the cubicle life. The monotony of the shirt and tie. I just want to be free.



Save me.

You're a coke whore, but so cute.

I've been drunk for the past 48 hours. I've lost clothing, acquired books, fucked up relationships and somehow got wedged between two naked lesbians. I'm sorry it's been so long since I've written but I honestly have been so busy. I know have a good paying full time job. I'm in trouble with a TA on my floor because I flirted, went to far and now he's totally into me. Honestly why do people change their genders? I just don't understand it. I think it's great and I totally support it but really I want to know the drive behind it.... I'm so tired I can't write anymore... I'll try to write more this week. I have so much to blog about.

Greyson.

My name is Greyson
I go by Grey
I'm a good person, with good morals. but...

I like to be obnoxious in my car.
I sleep with numerous random partners...some of them still don't have names.
I don't really care about anything.
I live my life to the fullest and still manage to fulfill my goals.
I show up inappropriatly drunk to many important things.
I also have a great sense of style.
I can hold more liqour than you...and I'll prove it.
I never carry a wallet.
I speed alot.
I don't do drugs, only because I can't afford it.
I write for numerous online blogs, I used to get paid until I decided to send in submissions I wrote while drinking.
I am always the life of the party.
I am not ashamed of how I dance after 3 drinks, depending on the strength...9.
I enjoy everyday life.
I love everyone, sometimes too much.
I honestly don't give a shit what people think about me.
I hate working, I'd rather volunteer over seas.
I often wish I could forget everyone in my life and start over
I cannot quit smoking to save my life.
I used to smoke less when I was a wino.
I am a total wino.
I am easy.
I am the cheapest date ever.
I really don't want to have sex with you, I'm just after your money.
I am probably looking around the room for your wallet while we fuck.
I will go through your medicine cabinet sometimes and always your glovebox.
I have the most fucked up fetishes.
I love writing about sex.
I love music.
I will fall in love with you if Third Eye Blind is playing while you blow me.
I am a total jerk.
I am a total liar.
I lie because I'm not that interesting.
I am ashamed of most of my childhood.
I will never tell anyone the full truth about my father.
I am quite intelligent.
I hate one person....more than anyone else in this world.
I love everyone but him.
I love sex, but it bores me to death... I have no idea why.
I don't want to be friends with any of my friends anymore.

Come to think of it, everyone says I'm so interesting but really I never believe it's me that's interesting. It's the fabricated me. It took years to perfect.

Non of my friends fit me anymore. They used to but now I'm different. The sad thing is I love them all so I can't do it because I've done it so many times before. I meet a girl, we're best friends and then I peace out when I'm bored. The problem is nobody can keep up with me anymore. I want to go out and drink and be insane and I have so much energy I could do it for days. Nobody else understands my enthusiasm for anything. I think that's what's so annoying about my friends. They are all so boring it's so maddening. They're working full time jobs and in their spare time they do things like homework or they sleep. When I get off work I come home get a sandwich and I'm ready to run to the river and swim, or go out dancing, or go to a show, or just run around downtown and be crazy. Nobody understands that. There's no charisma. OMG that's exactly what is is. My friends are wayyy too boring for me. I need a clone of me. But I'm too moody. The thing is they can keep up the charisma for a while then they're done. I need all new friends. Minus joe. I couldn't live without my joe.

Free pie with purchase of anal beads.

I totally had a dream last night that I stopped along a magical river for free pie becuase the ice has grass in it so it was like a TON of blackberry and raspberry pie and it was free...so I stopped at this mom and pop shack where the woman stuffed me with pie and i wandered up into the woods and found out it was a big sex shop spread out with a pie cover up... hmmmm

Help

I start work tmr as a drug dealers Personal Assistant. This guy moves cargo through numerous locations. I want a real job.

GOD!

I'm a high class hooker without a cause.
I use notepad for everything. So life has been insane since the beginning of the music festival I'm creating we're now a couple hundred strong. In 5 days? A couple hundred people want to help...that's insane. There's really one person who I want to be involved in this but he's been to busy lately. he emailed me this morning but I'm too nervous to email him back... so if you're reading this I won't write you an email back... atleast I don't think I will. The fact that you ignored my voicemail justifies my nervousness. So call me...we'll talk. I am on hiatus with my boyfriend wtf? I don't know but I just got back from making out with travis in the giant parking lot. I need 100+ acres and my mind is all over the place. Ya know back to the one person, he's one person who I know beyond the shadow of a doubt would def understand the fest and really get whats going on and I know he could be a vital part, should be I should say, and I know that he would be of amazing assistance. Will he do it? probably not because he only msg's me now when he's on vacation and wants to fuck me, And that sucks. But hey he helped me in fla and I still haven't paid him back so I guess I can't really justify my bitching. I need some help I really do. I need to vent. I really do. I have way to much going on in my mind right now and the funny thing is nobody I know has any idea of what I've been up to. I'm in major trouble. And I'm in wayyyy over my head and I am in a really bad position that I don't want to be in. It scares me to death.

Before everyone ran off and got perfect
I wonder if I really was ever as lovely as they were
We held hands and ran, until everyone ran off
And left me standing by myself
I'm sure I looked real cool standing alone
Thinking they would come back and everything would be the same.
The worst corner of my mind
Is the one where everyone ditched me, and wouldn't let me back in.
FUCK YOU ALL FOR DOING THIS TO ME.

I bust tha windos out ya car

&&&I'm not even jewish. I never blog anymore but here's what's going on today...

Roni died this morning. I'm dealing. I'm angry.
I'm dealing. Grief sucks.
I guess I'm in my own form of shiva.

I just had to get that out there... this is what's going on lately...


I started working with this investor who wants to market my hemp shoes in hawaii. He's putting a business together for me but I honestly would rather do this with someone who I know better. Someone who really just gets me. I also want to go to burning man but right now money's a little tight. I'm working on making my life better everyday. I'm going to start working as an aerobics instructor and as a waiter. I need money and I need something more fulfilling. It's so lonely out here when you don't know anyone!

hmmm the seams are ripping and my bones are aching

sorry AGAIN

I realized I haven't blogged in forever so I'm going to tell you what's going on right now and what is happening in my life after that.
Okay so right now I have this overwhelming sadness as though I've just seem someone I shouldn't. Like that feeling when the troops come to the door to tell you your brother is gone. Or when you get the phone call... Your dad is dead. It's not a good feeling. I really want a cigarette but I don't want to get up.
Okay so here is what is going on right now in my life
1 I still am jobless.
2 I currently get along with nobody, love everybody
3 I started upcycling and creating art which is going to harrisburg next week for sale & exhibition.
4 I am running out of money
5 I'm dating ken, he's from philadelphia.
6 I haven't told anyone but we're talking seriously about moving in together.
7 There's also been talk about leaving the country together.
8 I really love my art.
9 I make hammocks now
10 I'm getting a booth in the fall for an art and such fair.
11 My shit is functional which is what I love
12 I'm currently working on twenty different projects
13 I'm running out of time to finish them because they need to go to shelf and I need a full time job.
14 I'm also writing again.
15 I don't think me and ken are going to work out...at all.



Ugh.

I know you should go home

You get a little frantic
I write you a song
You get a little tantric
But you sing it all day long
You've been drinking
So I'll play you some guitar
But I see the mood is sinking
When we're driving in your car
I know when somethings wrong
I know just what you need
You know when I'm feeling wrong
Hear it in the keys
When I find you
So melodic
Sitting all alone
I know there's something else to you
I know you should go home

And now for the first blog in for ever

I'm Mr.Lonely, who never says never. Some things, we don't talk about... How I love the fray. I find that when I'm lonely the piano helps but not tonight. I need something more. I need a guitar and a clove. I need a hug and a squirtgun, I need a beer and mostly I need a job. I need to learn the guitar I think I'm going to learn some fray songs on piano tmr. goodnight

Chicks dig tire swings

omg airfare to Peru is a bitch! I don't have the money for that shit! Seriously. I don't know if I can make it right now because the airfare is sooooo expensive! I'm scared because I found an amazing organization that does exactly what I want to be doing. They have the same views as I do. Any length of commitment is available and I can't wait to be apart. I'm trying to build a budget so I can lengthen my star so I can help more and I'm trying to find a job at the same time but honestly the air fare is killing. I'm going to cry. I'm so excited to go though like literally I'm squirming with excitement. yay!

I'm beginning to see

I smoke way too much. A pack o day? Are you serious right now?
You're so typical
With your gun belt
Walking to your house is like walking into the inquisition
The cameras
The spying
What is that you've been hiding?
Tell me here.
Before you beckon me in
Before I have to refuse such a sweet invitation
What the hell are you hiding in your trunk?
Is it a body?
Should I know?
Will you kill me if I peek?
Well it'll kill me if I don't
So I'm going to look
You better grab the tazer
Cause this bitch won't take no for an answer.


Also in other news. After my world peace blog here comes the one we've all been waiting for.
You think you can just treat people like the scum you are... I don't think so. I'm sorry that I had to take matters in to my own hands but that's for you. I'm not sorry I did what I did. You deserved those 4 flat tires and you'll deserve more if you dare play with fire again. Little boys never learn. Apparently you didn't get the point, You know I'm dangerous and you still reached your hand in just to be a little rebel didn't you? Well fire is dangerous and fire will burn. You got burned, and your tires were deflated. Oh well call mommy and she'll buy you some new ones. It's such a shame. Late to work? =( <---thats just for you. You need to learn I'm a dangerous bitch and you don't want to fuck with me. So the next time you see someone who's hungry and doesn't have a dime to his name I'm sure you'll give him a piece of chicken. Scumbag. If it were anyone else I wouldn't care, I'd be shocked because what kind of an asshole does that but I wouldn't be this upset. To be honest I really don't care anymore but I told you don't fuck with me, don't fuck with my family.... Well somebody didn't listen so somebody got punished. So I'm happy with you needing tires and having your car towed but next time you won't be so lucky. Next time it will be...bye bye college, bye bye job, and bye bye apartment. Trust me. You've seen my work. You've been warned.


and and and and and I still haven't gotten any replies from any programs yet... =(

My dear lindsay lohan.... Let's go somewhere

Mom & Dad, don't worry about your son.
I keep looking up so I can hold on.
Because at the end of the day all we have is who we are.

Sometimes when I look around me I get overly discouraged from everything in my way. I'm jobless but I know theres a better job. I'm exhausted but I know theres more energy. I just need a way to find the things that are at the end of this road. Sometimes you just have to take it on the chin from the great opponent, the world. Our biggest obstacle to something else. Who knows what else. Who knows what kind of better life is available if we're not living it. I applied to the peace corps. I didn't get in. Because the age of eligibility if 18 and I don't have a bachelors degree. I know. That's what I said. So I am now searching and applying to other programs. Anything available. I have such dreams. I just want one person to say "They are possible" I want someone who's not going to pretend they'll work and in their minds believe them to be childish. Look at the great Walt Disney. He had a dream that adults could act like children and enjoy it, and they do. Every day. I want someone who believes in a greater good. Are there no more humanitarians? Willing to do anything for the greater good? What is money? Money to be is the only thing keeping me from thriving...or so I thought. For some money is the only thing keeeping them above water, and others the only thing keeping their friends from walking away. A car to me? A form of transportation. To a 19 year old living in haiti, he may never drive a car, or even sit in one. What I'm saying is that as an american I am tired of being spoiled by ipods, laptops, cell phones, and credit card debt when there are people who need medical care, who need food, who need a home. Granted this may be the circle of life now, it wasn't supposed to be this way. What happened to helping your neighbor when he's broke? What happened to dirty hands and not CEO's of charities. Dirty crooks? I'd say. I refuse to pay to go overseas when I know my money is fueling some sick bastard driving an escalade in an armani suit. I want to volunteer, I want to live like the locals, I want to do the dirty work so many greedy corporations won't. There's a whole world out there filled with more than just beautiful beaches and gorgeous locals. There's a world filled with poverty, dirty water, and sick people. Who want nothing more than an opportunity. I want to be that opportunity. Honestly this is what I want. There's always been a part of me that wanted to go where there's a need and be the answer. This isn't one of my temporary dreams this is something real. This is something possible. The more I thought of it the more I began to work this into it.
Haiti
One building 8 bunks and a couple offices.
Six volunteers and 2 people to work administrative and the in between work.
Building up a community instead of giving out handouts
Working with the locals not for them
Building places of work, for local profit.
Build these places out of the bases that they already know.
Fishermen? Fish market. Skilled workers? Construction. Nurses? A clinic. etc etc
Build the community, build the economy, fill the need.
Over time work arrangements within the community for more volunteers.
Work connections with those who can afford it to invest into the economy.
Bring in additional volunteers to build churches, houses, markets.
The dream, the man power, and the right mindset. Dream becomes reality. "You can quote me"
I know of two missionaries who have given up everything. They've given their lives to the people of Haiti. I know they'd be on board. That's where I want to start. Finding supporters, volunteers and people who will sponsor this. That's a completely different story. I think I'd like to give my time, my everything, my life... I think it's what I'm going to do. It might not create world peace, it might not change a thing but if I can give one person a chance. I'll be perfectly happy. The end =)

Sometimes....

OMG DO i NEVER BLOG ANYMORE?



Sometimes when I say I'm fine
I'm really lying
not that i should tell you
sometimes
I'm just pretending
hoping it will turn out fine
sometimes
I'm speaking positively
thinking it will just "work itself out"
and sometimes
I just want someone to look me in the eyes
and say "tell the truth"
you don't have to cry anymore.





I never blog anymore. I'm truly sorry. However I will be on vacation from Thurs. to Mon.

suck it

sorry but I'm quitting my job to be a personal assistant to myself.

p.s. clearly not getting enough sleep these days. Hate my job. Need a car. Need more time for music. The sadness is really getting to me. I don't have 7 days a week to work 13 hr shifts I don't want 77 hours off a week. I don't want to work 96 hours a week. Thanks but I have music to write, I have trips to plan, I have books to read. I have a life to live. This whole working all the time thing is just simply not working for me...sorry.

Even if you're emotional.

We're gunna make america skinny again...one chop at a time!
I'm so bored with my job. I'm bored with everything. I'm bored with this country. I don't understand why I can't just stay grounded. When I've landed... I've got a quick change over and I'm ready to take off again.

everything you say...
Everytime we kiss... I can't think straight
But I'm okay, I promise... I'm okay


Prop 8 was upheld...
Not going to lie, I cried. It hurts. More than you know.
I'm also writing a new song.

"I just want to be what you see when you look at me...
Can't I just be?"

I'm unbreakable.

God I want to dream again, take me where I've never been... I want to go there, this time I'm not scared. I'm back to the dreaming stage and it's hit harder than ever. I'm ready to throw caution to the wind and build my empire. I'm going to call my brother this week and try to catch up and get some money out of him, or I'll just call my adopted sister and get some money out of her. They both have money that they're sitting on... I know they do. I need the money, I deserve it, the need to give it to me, and it's kinda that whole they stole my inheritence thing. So now I'm fixing it....yea.

You're the sweet song he plays every day

I don't want you to go. I'm not okay with saying goodbye...But when he calls you home & into his arms again, When he's ready to embrace you with the warmth of the humble sun and the peace of the deep blue sea. I'll be ready to let you go, to join him in a place where the o2 is no longer a concern and where breakfast at his table is more than just bacon and eggs. He's setting a place for you in heaven at a table where you'll look into the most calming eyes you've ever seen. The eyes of a saviour, the saviour in white who's waited for you...for years. He's waited to see your face across from his...for so long. If he's ready to see it, I pray for the ability to let you go. He's been bottling every tear you've ever wept for 79 years. I'm sure he's looked upon each with sympathy unfathomable. I'm sure he's put a warming touch to each bottle with love you've never known. He's framed every smile on a wall that's all your own, his to look at with every sunrise. I want you to be able to run into his arms without a second thought, backward glance, or care in the world. I want you to see what heaven is like and meet my family there. I know they'd love every fiber of you. More than anything I want you to know peace. I want you to know the peace of heaven, the love of a saviour who hasn't taken a second of your life for granted and has known every trouble you've dealt with in every way. I want you to see it roni. I pray this world won't keep these chains on you forever. I pray that you'll run to him soon. I know that when you see all that's in store the white walls will fade and the sweetest breath of fresh air will enter your lungs bringing joy and a sense of belonging...you've felt out of place and alone...for too long. I want you to know peace. I pray someday we'll see the crystal waters together and laugh down a road paved with gold. I will someday hold your hand again in heaven. Someday.... I really do love you. I love you more than most but I can't bear to be selfish and want you here/ He wants you there. You're the apple of his eye and if I know one thing is true...you're the reason he wakes up every morning. you'll bring a new sense of humor to heaven i just know it. I pray I'll see you there.

Always with love
Greyson dale

yay 201st post!

Okay so I can practically hear you all "shut up about music already" But ya know what? I have some more to write yet. I just wanted to throw out there that one of the most fulfilling moments in life are working out a song by ear. It just makes me happy when the notes/chords/whatevers match. Anyone who knows me knows I see sheet music and make pictures out of it. I think sheet music is just ridiculous all the dots, lines, and symbols with funny words. Yea totally not me. At all. I just can't stand the thought of going by sheet music, Okay so anyways the first most fulfilling in the world is when you save someone, A guy in a car accident, a heart attack victim that you've worked for 20 minutes or a little kid who's bleeding out. It's a crazy feeling so in honor of the fact that I've been in such a good mood lately and just flat out happy I'm going to make a list of things that make me happy. and in honor of my 201st post... 50 things... I should make it 201 but seriously who's going to read that? haha let's see if I can do this.
1 Music
2 Jolie rouge
3 Waking up to sunshine streaming in my window
4 Cotton sheets
5 My mother.
6 Carlicious
7 Whoppers =) I always feel guilty after though...but still good feeling
8 Swimming in the ocean
9 Swimming in the ocean at night....makes me soooo happy. I don't think I've ever felt more at ease. It's like drifting with water makes you one with the earth. It's everything you've ever dreamed coming to clarity...strange but amazing. ( and no it's not like jaws you will not die but swimming in ocean at night...well idk maybe you could but not via shark bite/attack/eating )
0 M&M's
1 Working with my hands
2 Getting dirty
3 The sun
4 Spring Water...makes me super happy
5 Being eco friendly
6 The way my life is going
7 Good music! New music!
8 Accepting people
9 Dancing
0 Walking out in the middle of nowhere and finding just a single pretty flower. It's like you're sharing a moment with it. You might be the only human that flower will ever see and the fact that all that beauty will someday disappear into the circle of life is just amazing... Not sure if any of that one made sense.
1 FRESH SEAFOOD!
2 Pirates
3 Italian anything. I love italian culture
4 New orleans anything, Zydeco music, Cajun food. seriously...dream come true.
5 Writing
6 Singing at the top of my lungs all by myself...sometimes even when people can hear me. I do it on bad days and it makes them good days
7 Writing my own rules and not following anyone elses
8 Good tech support people
9 MEETING NEW PEOPLE....big one right there. I love meeting new people ask anyone who knows me, I make friends EVERYWHERE...for reals ask carly!
0 Whispering and shouting at really inappropriate times
1 Jessie dog.
2 rolling around in soft grass
3 hugs
4 My moms apple pie...seriously LOVE IT. Can't live without it.
5 waterparks&pools
6 Spending time with my brothers
7 My brothers
8 daydreaming
9 The thought of one day fathering a child
0 ANYTHING CIRCUS like italian circus and foreign talents
1 Travel.
2 Did I mention the beach?
3 Sleeping in
4 Bike riding
5 Finding new talents within myself
6 The sound of a piano in a very empty room - The sound of me releasing my emotion on the keys... I'm sorry to all the pianos I wailed on...you've made me very happy in the past...which brings me to the idea that I want an organ now that's the new thing I really want to learn to play and organ and before I lose the chance I want my grandma to teach me. My mom can teach me the accordion.
7 Letting it out
8 Blogging...is that cheating?
9 Breakfast with my BFF. ( at night)
0 Being alive.
****soul food.****
okay so those are just some of them....
=)
p.s. I've been rolling on jolie so much today, she's really given it to me. I'm just loving it. She makes me feel awesome and I'm serious....she might not be you...but she looks just like you.
She definitely takes away the loneliness.
Jolie is like the perfect girl. She's simple yet sophisticated. She's pleasant but plain. She's a student but mostly a teacher. And she's just got the thing. That I want to snuggle with an accordion thing. For real...she makes me so happy. It's awesome. I was laying down on the couch playing her and I just didn't want to let her go. No lie. She's perfect in every way except for the pain...she's totally worth it though. No lie my shoulders are in so much pain everything in/on/around my torsoe hurts like a mofo because I pick her up and as bad as the pain is I can't stop playing her. The feeling she gives me is just pure ecstasy...it's complicated. Like I said, I don't think there's a soul alive who will ever understand.

xoxo
Grey

Grey <3's Jolie. 4evuh
God I am so gay

Just hear me.

"every time I play the piano, I keep turning around because I expect you to appear at the door, listening.. as you used to."

I miss the way you used to listen...

For people who haven't been through it.

I need to be honest... Music is my life. I'd rather have music than last words. I can only pray that my last words are written into music so that maybe I can live on through music, which kept me alive. Music is like my blood. Music moves me. It means I'm alive. If the music is playing I'm feeling alive, I'm breathing and I'm tasting the very notes inside. Music is the broken heart, the overjoyed feeling, the sadness that fills the air, the lull before I sleep. Music is the calm before the storm, and the raging of the wind inside of me. Me without music? Ha. I live for the songs I sing. They're sung because I'm alive to sing them. I'm serious. I don't think anyone...ever...has ever really understood me. Why do I want to go to new orleans? for the music. Simply put. I know that I'll find some happiness there. Even if it's nothing but just sitting on a dock with some homeless guy listening. It's what I want to do and I'll be damned if I don't do it. That's the end of the honesty. I'll lie to you later.

sod oh may he

so I got my accordion finally. The arcadia. However the bass buttons dont work and I really want to expand my musical knowledge with a pirates concertina or a push button sqeezebox. Both are really inexpensive. I just don't make the right amount of cash. I dont make enough lol. I've really been jamming on the keyboard accordion though. I named her jolie rouge. Meaning Jolly Red. She's amazing. i've been jamming on her for hours since I got her from my moms but still...I NEED A PUSH BUTTON SQUEEZEBOX. It's driving me nuts. I think about it all the time. Ya know music is so wierd. You get this passion for it and all of the sudden all you can think about, dream about, sing about is music on your mind. It's like the homesick feeling you feel your first day at camp when you can't play. Sometimes it's like when I can't play the piano I get sad because it's like not being able to be near the love of your life. Music truly is the love of my life. I'd be happy with no man in my life. Just music. It keeps me company at night, it consoles me when I'm sad and it definitely helps me cope and get rid of anger. It's pretty damn awesome. I think I'll just give up dating and stick with music. I just need my god damn accordion, car, apt. and sewing machine... Oh boy

I hate you

you sick malevolent bastard.

me you the accordion and I

hi there, I know...it's been a while.

I come to you from the land of the ambulanzo...i've been working 5 / 13 hr days & 2 / 24 hr days a week.... I love my life. it's amazing... I have no life anymore which means I have no time to work on my music which is really upsetting seeing that I need music in order to survive. It bothers me that I have no time anymore it's like leaving your child at day care...the separation anxiety kills you but I don't want it to go away. I really need more time to work on music...other than just a day on the weekend which I don't have now... so so so I really want to buy an accordion but they're so expensive. I want this honhor more than anything else in the world, it's pretuned which would save me like 6300$$$ yes that 6300$$$ lots of mulah and it's only 300$$ after shipping and handling... I need it. I'm working on my accordion skills and I must say I'm not the worst in the world but I'm also not the best. I get like homesick just thinking about it. I know that tonight I will speed home to the piano and play until I can't keep my eyes open stumble to the couch feeling saddened because I don't have enough hours in the day and fall asleep sad. =( If I had an accordion I could play at work in between calls. That's really what I want. I need something I can bring to work and play which is why I want to invest in my very first accordion but I have to buy a car right now so I can work and my mom can at the same time...things are tight and borderline miserable. I hate working 91+ hrs a week depending on what my bosses want and hating my job and having no time and getting paid SHIT literally I would make more hourly at the piggly wiggly. No lie. No life. No energy. No sleep. No music. It's scary as hell...and it's sad. Without music where is the life?


Grey

if it's a triangle it must have three sides.

My laptop is on it's way out the door. My brothers are in trouble and I'm stressed as hell! So it's a possibility that my brother is moving up to Pennsylvania. I really hope he does. More than anything else I really hope he does. My other brother might join him if it happens. They're both out of cash! Big shocker so now I have to send them money and I'm broke myself. I'm freaking out. So maybe I'll blog later...IDK

uhm just a little bit

well let's see okay, so I haven't updated because I've been on vaca so here's the post...a survey. miss you guys!


1. What was the highlight of your week? The weekend with the girls
2. Whose car were you in last? carly's & tamecas
3. When is the next time you will kiss someone? The morning...my madre, she's making me breakfast =)
4. What color shirt are you wearing? black
5. How long is your hair? Short!
6. Are you good looking? What?!?! Why even ask that?
7. Last movie you watched? Sweeney todd? I think? No, the craft.
8. Who were you with? Carlicious
9. Last thing you ate? a brownie
10. Last thing you drank? mt. dew
11. When was the last time you had your heart broken? forever ago
12. Who came over last? carly & meeca
13. Are you happy right now? yea... I'm okay
14. What did you say last? Goodnight...
15. Where is your phone? on my chest
16. What color are your eyes? Green as grass
17. Are you left-handed? Nope...def right
18. Spell your name without vowels: Grysn Haha I like it.
19. Do you have any pets? 3 Dogs and my moms boyfriend
20. Favorite Vacation? The sea.
21. What do you dislike currently? The list goes on...
22. What are you listening to? The john butler trio peaches and cream...live...so chill. go listen
23. If you could have one thing right now what would it be? A new phone number...
24. What is your favorite scent? The smell of clean laundry by the ocean, drying on the line, the sea salt and fresh linens...nothing like it.
25. Who makes you happiest? The small things
26. What were you doing at midnight last night? I don't know...watching tv
27. When is your birthday? March 3rd
28. Who has the same phone as you? I honestly don't know anyone with the exact same phone
29. Last time you went swimming in a pool? God....Feb
30. Do you read your horoscope? haha I did tonight go figure...but usually never
31. Where was the last place you bought something? Starbucks....no, walmart.
32. How do you feel about your hair right now? Uhm... comfortable
33. Do you bite your nails? Sometimes.
34. Do you have any expensive jewelery? Yes sir
35. Do you have any expensive clothing? some but as far as that goes this year I made it a resolution to recycle and wear second hand clothing and I'm doing quite well with it, stuff fits better, there's always a story behind it, I'm giving back and enjoy being eco friendly...smartest choice I've ever made!
36. Myspace or facebook? Ewwww neither.
37. How fast have you driven a car? !@) figure it out
38. Have you ever smoked? currently do
39. What was or is your favorite subject in school? hated high school but I would have to say I looked forward to health the most...and J&P
40. Do you have Verizon? Yes
41. What type of boy or girl do you usually fall for? The dumb sweet ones.
42. Do you have any hidden talents? yes. I can juggle as well as most circus performers... I know lots of tricks and I can walk on stilts.
43. Favorite Song? Jumper by Third Eye Blind
44. Do you like to sing at all? I love to sing it all
45. Dream Job? corporate executive who hates his job. To be honest...doctors without borders.
46. Where does most of your family live? Northern area
47. Are you an only child or do you have siblings? Muchos Muchachos siblingas
48. Would you consider yourself to be spoiled? over all nah but by my mother....oh yes
49. What was the first thing you thought when you woke up? why am I waking up again?
50. Do you drink? Sometimes
51. Know any other languages? Sign language and fluent spanish as you've seen
52. Ever write a coded message? haha I can write in phonecian no lie!
53. Have you ever been IN a wedding? Yes
54. Do you have any children? Haha yes I'm like octodad
55. Did you take a nap today? No
56. Who has the same birthday as you? Jessica biel? and my supervisor
57. Ever met anyone famous before? Yes
58. Do you want to be famous one day? I'd love to but I wouldn't sell my soul to be.
59. Any Pet Peeves? Too many to list... I'm texting one right now =)
60. Are you multitasking right now? nah not really
61. Do you like Brittany Spears? Love her and not how you think...I love her because she needs love...anyone who's gone through that much can always use an extra hug
62. What is your least favorite chore? I don't do chores but I guess washing dishes?
63. Last place you drove your car? Walmart
64. Ever been out of the country? yes
65. Where were you born? Warsaw New York
66. Could you handle being in the military? haha could they handle me?
67. What is your average cell phone bill? somewhere betwwen 2oo and 3oo
68. Who are you thinking about right now? None of your business
69. When was the last time you laughed REALLY hard? all day today...with my girls
70. How many pairs of shoes do you own? currently hopefully under 15
71. Are your toes always painted? haha they currently are black...go figure
72. How many piercings do you have? 2
73. What are you doing today? working in 13 hours
74. Have you ever been gambling? haha yes
75. When is the last time you updated your page? God, who knows?
76. Do you like rollercoasters? LOVE THEM!
77. Have you ever been to disneyland or world? yes disneyworld 4 times... would love to go back...even just for a day. I think about it more often than you think
78. Do you have a favorite cartoon character? Mickey
79. Last thing you cooked? Me cook? Probably fettucini
80. How's the weather? It's night time and its calm
81. Do you e-mail? constantly
82. What's the stupidest thing you ever did with your cell phone? dove into the ocean
83. Last time you were sick? this morning
84. What states have you lived in? NY VA PA WV SC NC FLA GA IO take that.
85. Do you wish you could move? ish....
86. Do you take quizzes? I hate quizzes...I left high school for a reason
87. What is your dream car? Mini cooper...which I'll hopefully own soon
88. Have you ever wanted someone you cant have? who hasn't
89. If you could be anywhere right now where would it be? five years ahead... in my house, on the beach working towards a greater goal
90. Are you happy with your life? No. I should be but I haven't done enough, I haven't lived and I haven't made a difference...when I do...then maybe.

My life is going to hell in a handbasket

This is seriously it.
I'm fucking angry.
I'm so sick of my mothers boyfriends shit.
I'm working 91 hours a week...for shit pay.
I'm exhausted.
I've been bad mouthed
&&& now I'm homeless?
Okay then.

I'm a superhero

The sky was gold it was rose I was taking sips of it through my nose.
good morning world.
And today is a new day... My mother and her boy friend are leaving for their home today. They decided it's time to go home. I'm staying here and holding this place down. Go me! I'm such a good guy. I tell ya what. I can't just walk away. I would feel terrible I would be worried sick that something has happened and I wasn't here to save them from it or fix the problem. Even though it wouldn't happen I just know if I left they would just die of loneliness. Sometimes I think I keep them going. Nah.
Alright caroline.
Here comes the sun.
I need to get to work for the lobster guy I honestly haven't done shit but every number I call has been a dead end and of course he wants to close down the company. It's ridiculous. He needs to get shit on the road. If we don't have a website I can't do very much and I'm hoping he gets the website set up TODAY. Which I doubt will happen but whatever. I also need to get a hold of joe and make sure shit is on track. Which it probably won't be. I feel like I have to be the bitch in this business.
Excuse me while I save the world.

It's called a bad mood

dude seriously. So I was in a strangely good mood today surprisingly. Listening to third eye blind really helps. So my mom and her boyfriend are leaving and I'm not moving back downstairs. Which means I'm stuck with the fucking insane bitches fuck my life. I'm not happy. I almost fucking just lost it today because they were both just completely driving me insane and kinda still are. One of these days I'm just going to leave. It's about to break like a fever. And fuck travis I don't even care. He's pissed because I ignored him for two days because he was being retarded and this week he wants to spend time with me but I'm too broke and anyone who knows me knows I don't EVER let that show. I'm always an equal and I'm a total liar. I'm always cute. I love my fake friends I don't want to lose them but sometimes it really does scare me that I might. It's insanity. My life is complete insanity although now that they're moving out I can't quite work on my music like I was planning or get away however I can finally work on my book which I think will be nice I don't know there's so much to do before they leave and they're leaving tmr. MAJOR FUCK MY LIFE.


p.s. thanks everyone for sending me a mother fucking sewing machine I fucking need one. God damn it I'm in a bad mood.

For the social worker at the needle exchange

For the self medicated and the hard to reach.

It's about to break
Break like a fever
It's about to break


Dear Stephan, I will meet you someday. And we will discuss things. Yes we will. xoxo grey


There are days when I feel so small and I feel like nobody hears me. All I have to do is play a third eye blind record and it's like; clarity. Clarity beyond what I already know. I feel third eye blind plays for me.
But they don't just play for me, they play for the me in all of us. They don't play for the crowds they play for each fan, If that makes any sense. I like doing things not so ordinary and anyone who knows me, knows I am anything but ordinary, plain or normal. Third eye blind has always given me a reason to believe and they've always given me hope and said...it's okay if you're not normal. It's okay to get emotional, it's okay to be crazy, it's okay if you don't make sense, or wanna run, or wanna be different, or can't help it, and it's okay to scream. Sometimes you just have to scream a little bit. It's okay if you don't want to be here, just be here. Just let it be. It burns like a fever but it's about to break. And that's okay.

I love third eye blind I will probably forever stay dedicated to them and I plan on getting more of their ink in the near future. It's funny because every time I see their shows I just think to myself. What an honor to have their symbol on my body. Thank you third eye blind.

best lies I've ever hear

You won't remember this when you're older
Don't worry depression is just a phase
You'll grow out of it
It won't be this way forever
Once you're out of high school things will clear up
They'll come around....(MAJOR LIE)
You're so cute
I love you

I got that boom boom prow

I'm fucking
depressed
angry
pissed off
vicious
dangerous
mad
saddened
heavy hearted
disappointed
&&& FUCKING CRAZY
& God help you if you fucking ask why.


I need to talk to Carly. I'm going to explode!

rain is such a bitch

so I stopped working on my new book. Whatever. Dave thomas inspires me to learn the accordion and I need to call walmart tmr and go to lykens to get a new laptop...shit. So I have a job that pays shit. Whatever this is the shit blog. Life is okay. I'm kinda down about living in my mothers house even though I've lived here longer. My "v" Key is driving me literally insane and the fact that blogger keeps freezing is doing the same. damn you blogger. Okay so anyways I wasted today after work I wanted to go do shit but my mom wanted to waste my time...eh whatever. okay so next topic. I don't know what to talk about. jesus christ my blogs are never inspiring I wish I could be more inspiring to you all...but I'm sorry I just can't be. Besides this blog isn't made for your inspiration. it's made for me to bitch. All the time. It's what I live for and it's the only thing I continuously ish update FUCK BLOGGER okay so I'm still overdrawn and unless I come up with 72.74 by tomorrow my account is going into collections on thurs at 1am and by business hours thurs the only credit I have will be fucked to shit which means I am going to have a bad credit score that I will of course have to work my life away at fixing for the rest of my life because my mother made the selfless decision to force me to move back. fuck. now I'm in a bad mood. Whatever. I'm in such a bad mood now and it's affecting my typing skills. It's just depressing ya know? I'm up here struggling...again spinning the same god damn tires I always have. Idk I guess it's more frustrating than depressing only because I feel like I shouldn't be here there's more that I could be doing with my wonderful lack of potential. PAUSE I just got yelled at for leaving the stove on. Whatever I wanted eggs so I made like a dozen and ate them. They were quite delicious. I do enjoy me some eggs. Okay so I'm freezing on my front porch for the sake of a cigarette blog. yea fuck quitting. leave me a comment on this blog tell me something. anything. if you don't feel like it then fuck you I don't want your nasty comments anyway skank wad. I missed cigarettes. ohh and p.s. I need a fucking sewing machine so send me one now before I lose interest in love. I enjoy time alone. Lately it's been sad tho. accordion music is so god damned soothing tho I tell ya it is. I'm finally going out again this thurs. I want to dance my ass off & look retarded which is okay by me why? Because I am the cigarette writer. here's my priorities tonight.
Sewing machine
Accordian
Make stuff
Make magic
get my taxs done. sorry IRS suck my balls. and wallow in being money less...and owing them money
Plan shit I don't have money for.
Write a spontaneous poem


In this soft I feel you
In this lonely I yell your name
I cannot find you
Profained claims
Of glory.
I find you in the black keys
My inspiration hidden so minor
I lose you in the white keys
Dancing behind the major
The thick and reminiscent melody
I search for you the most
You're dancing in your sanctuary
The music let's you free
You're hiding in your sanity
This silence holds you still
And yet you speak to me
Just as the black keys
They cry to me
Please!
No longer can you run this maze
This forrest
This darkness
This thickening haze
This broken dream
This sharp reality
Let us free from this melodic melody
Let us fill the skies
As you harmonize
Break this trance
thirs rythm this rhyme
this broken silhouette of time
You've held on to this line
This lyric
This fine.....fine fine music
The music that let's you flow and breathe and move and she's
So beautiful when she dances
Spinning and grasping
For nothing, just air
Letting herself be free in the breeze
She tells me in a story line
Rhyming and timing each line to shine
Like gold
Please hold me
Support me
See me
Free me
I've been a victim, a prisoner of this melody for so long
I need new life
New air
New everything
New song.
Give me a new song to sing
Give me a new life to live
Let me go high upon the ocean breeze
Let me dance among the leaves of trees
Take me to the coast she says
I want to feel the air
I feel that I can breathe there.
But I have nothing left to give you.
No pockets filled with gold
This lyric is empty this song is old
The curtains have closed
On the show that once was
The audience has left now
They left without applause
The orchestra has faded
Into a subtle hue
And any magic once held here
Has left only you
You must be my music
You must be my inspiration
In the keys of this empty piano
It's broken, out of tune
I must run, I must search
I must fine you!
You are what I'm looking for
My crecendo
My chorus
My magic
My lights
You my dear
In all your sublties
You must be my life
I will search for you in the white
I will find you in the black
I must write you to a page
The conductor must come back
The balconies will fill
With young and old alike
To see my vanity
My amelie
To hear of this, my life.
The lights will return
The music will again fill this room
The dark shiver
Of loneliness
No longer welcome here
Come crowds
Come world
Come air, sweet air to fill this poetic room
Come see what has begun
Come see what I've become
Come see what I have found
Come see what I have done





wow. okay one down. Maybe just the longest thing I've written in forever. I feel better. Kisses. xoxo

I love the sound

I love music but my life is so noisy I can't even hear.

it's like eighty pages

I've got a list a mile long of things I need to get done this week. It's going to be busy. I'm smoking as we speak...so much for quitting. So I don't feel like I'm as sad as usual. I feel like I'm just confused. I hope shit starts to get better I'm working out a plan for the future. Just some things I would like to accomplish. I'm still thinking and living in the moment though. Atleast I like to think so. i'm too spontaneous to need a plan everyday. P.s. I cleaned up shit again for hours the other day... it was tons of fun. Anyways like I said I'm just looking into and planning some options to do along the way. This life is too fucking short to not do what you want to. If everybody just did whatever the hell the felt like. The world would be a much happier place. I've got to admit though, I'm never happier than I am when I'm just doing random shit with friends. Running through the woods, exploring a city at 3am, going to a diner and spending my last 1.15 on a coffee and a shitty novel. I'm serious. I think it's all about the little things. I always have. Which brings me to my next point. I've got two things I want to do RIGHT NOW. actually I'll just put a list here;
I want to run, run away, far far away.
I want to finally start my business and I will
I want to travel which might mean joining the peace corps
I want to move out. &&& I'm going to
I want peace. I might not find it but I sure as hell will fight until I find whatever the hell it is I can find. I don't know if I'll ever find what I'm looking for but why stop looking?
Why stop bitching? There is no why. That's why I won't.
Which brings me to my next point....(this is where the blog gets a little deep)
Does there always have to be a why? I've gone without knowing the why's for long enough and even though I might not be content with that it's the way it is. The word contentment has nothing to do with the words adventure or journey. Contentment isn't finding the top of the hill. Contentment is finding. So I'm okay with not knowing why, I'll never be content, who the fuck cares why, it's still an adventure. I'm ready to run to the shores of florida and live off the coast. I'm prepared to do so. Find someone, splurge on some shitty shack and spend everyday building up what will eventually be our kingdom where things can branch out from. Just because it's not pretty doesn't mean it can't be. I'm ready to start an adventure with someone just like me. A little bit of wit, maybe some promise, some potential, a big heart, a giant imagination that loves to sneak away and some sort of sense of adventure. I'm ready;
to experience
to love
to enjoy
to smile
to live everyday like I won't get another
to tell my secrets
to let it in
to let it out
to stand my ground
and most of all



I'm ready to run. not sure why. doesn't really matter, because I am


ready to run!it's it

easter blog

sorry I've been so busy I'm going to try to blog later. shit has just been bad and busy so I haven't wanted to write. I need a sewing machine so fucking send me one already and p.s. I'll blog atchya later

Save me.

fuck my life
I have no fucking friends.
The friends that I do have are out dancing right now.
I'm not.
I'm fucking chained into this prison cell.



I'm dying to get out.



I keep fucking praying. Begging. Pleading. Screaming.



I'm dying.



I just dying for an angel to come carry me away.
To just come give me a new life
A new everything
A new anything.


I'm dying to get out/

it's an issue

Okay I'm sorry I haven't blogged in a while. I've been busy I spent the day in sayre the other day then I got sick then I called in today and we rescheduled for monday. I fucking hate maximum care...I don't want to work there it's like the perfect picture of what I don't want to be doing. everyone that works there is just so fucking abrassive and annoying. I don't like it at all. Whatever.

So I need a sewing machine. More than anything I want a sewing machine.

sayre

I'm in sayre with my grandmother. they don't know what's wrong.




pray.

I'm over it

I'm so unhappy it's ridiculous. I'm seriously fighting tears right now. Like I said, haven't showered today. I feel fucking worthless.

FUCK IT ALL

I feel like this blog should be on a billboard somewhere. Someday someone will read it and find it somewhat interesting. Okay so I have something a little fucked up to blog about this thyme. it's okay if you have no idea what I'm talking about. nobody said you had to understand, only to listen. OK so if you want to listen to what I'm listening to:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XEUWFvT16f8
Sorry I couldn't embed it because UMG is super gay.

Have you ever felt cheated because you passed up on something AMAZING? Do you ever regret being the person you are today because of who you were yesterday? Do you think you ever said goodbye to the wrong afternoon lover? Some people find love in a trailer park. Some find it in the Ghetto. Some find it on the beach, in a brightly lit condo. And some never find it. But sometimes I think it's found without looking, not on accident but I think it's found unplanned, spontaneous, forceful but gentle.

Told you...fucked up right?

Okay so here's the question on my mind tonight...p.s. it's almost 3:30am and I worked all day...

Nevermind no question just talking about me

I keep getting this over-whelming feeling that my entire future lies all over the world and like a puzzle I have to go collect the pieces and put them together on the shore. literally the shore. I get the feeling that my future lies elsewhere, my happiness elsewhere, I've already found my joy, I can't find my future though, My god I can't even find my fucking present. I don't feel like the grass is any greener because I know it's the same fucking shade of the same god forsaken brown. I just feel like there's more. more than this shit city, more than these broken legs, more than these broken wings. I know I can fly! I fucking know it. I just don't have the resources. I'm sick of fucking struggling and being alone in this fight. I'm sick of being stuck. I feel as though I'm back to spinning my fucking tires. I KNEW THIS WOULD FUCKING HAPPEN. I can't tell you how alone I feel. I can't tell you how hard it's been and I can't even begin to describe how I feel and what emotions are flowing through me. I wrote a song the other day about a guy I used to be involved with. I couldn't finish it. A. Because he turned out to be a worthless asshole. big surprise there, but also because I was an ass. & B. I can't write these days. I've been trying but I find myself collapsing on the piano just ballng my eyes out. I've been crying really weird lately. I don't know.

I'm filled with fucking remorse. Right now I need to stop writing because it's really upsetting me. I've been getting fucking worked up over this shit because I take a step back and just can't fucking get over how bad my life is right now. Okay I know it sounds like a pity party but if you don't like it, here's a link to www.google.com go fuck yourself. I feel like my life has gone from "worth something" to fucking "fuck you" literally my quality of life is just terrible. I probably won't shower tomorrow until 5pm, I'll lay in bed until then and think about all of this shit while I proceed to do nothing about it but that's okay. I don't smoke anymore so it's supposed to be okay. well

FUCK THIS

I'm thinking about checking myself in for a while. I need to escape for a while and sometimes I seriously worry what I could do to myself if put in the right situation. I'm scared of what I would, could, often think about doing. I don't want that for me.


oh and the restricted calling thing is a major reason for most of this. I feel like I'm drowning and I can't fucking catch one rope. I feel so alone and so trapped inside myself if that makes any fucking sense. I just kinda feel suffocated in this whole experience and this situation isn't helping at all. just fuck it. FUCK IT ALL.

I can fly
But I want his wings
I can shine even in the darkness
But I crave the light that he brings
Revel in the songs that he sings
My angel...
Please just take me away from this place.

I still think about you all the time.

bulagah lagah lagah

I'm a trick
I've got the best ass this side of town
I'm a trick
And I'll tear you down...



FINAL WARNING...watch out
I don't want to, but I'll be such an ass if called on to do so.

And now for my final act

Throw it away
Forget yesterday
I'm going to make
my great escape


Okay so I want out... I've decided why I'm so depressed here. I want what I want, and until I get it I'm just going to be upset about it. Basically, I'm going to pout and fuck you if you don't like it. I also realized I wasn't born to stay in one place, I was born to be on the move, to always travel. I'd like to have a base but I'd love to be a vagabond. I'm seeing more and more of my dad come out in me everyday, and other people notice as well. I conned some people last week to get in and out of some different things. Whatever. I'm also noticing how I'm cutting people out more and more and just don't care. I'm cutting all and I mean ALL the people who don't have a place in my future, because they aren't beneficial to getting there. They didn't last, big deal. The friends that I care about seeing in the future I help them in getting there. If you haven't helped me, goodbye. I've said goodbye to 7 people this week. I'm over it. I don't care, if you have nothing for me, if you want to stress me out, I don't fucking need you

bitch

I'm going to post all the emails you sent me, just cause you're a cunt and prank calling me right now. k. get ready folks.

_____________________________________________________________________
i do have better friends. in fact, i'd go as far as to say that Hitler((must be she personally knows hitler???)) would be a better friend to me than you are right now, than you've been for months.

the problem isn't me being insecure, because i'm not anymore. the problem isn't that i'm jealous, because i'm not that anymore either. the problem is i'm INSANE, i've had professionals tell me. YOU overanalyzed. YOU assumed. and YOU were immature.

you wouldn't know high road if it bit you in your face.

((I don't even use the expression high road....stoners do))


______________________________________________________________________

***keep calling you'll regret it when you read this. Bitch***


sorry to stalk you. =P

but is everything okay? i can't help but feel that you might be upset at something i said? or is it something else? sorry to bug you but i just thought i'd ask.

whatever it is, i hope you're okay and i'm here if you need to talk.

((obsession?))

______________________________________________________________________
Subject: well, congradulations ((great vocab btw))


this is probably the dumbest decision you've made thus far.
please don't ever contact me again.
and you can leave those paintings with carly,((the vangohs))
i'd rather get them from her than not get them at all.
that is, if you haven't destroyed them.((idk wtf they are lol))
which has been sitting in the back of my mind since the day
you destroyed my mug.((awwwww shouldn't have given it back))
and you know what? you're right, i did make better friends.
much better friends, than you could have possibly been to me.((boo hoo bitch))
goodbye, and good riddens.

_______________________________________________________________________
so, this is your final chance to tell me exactly what the fuck is going on, why you had to contact me about something i already knew, after blatantly informing me that i no longer hold a place in your life. (( she called me on "accident" and I told her to leave me alone, I called her?))((let's admit we have a problem))

if your answer is because you just wanted to remind me about the paintings, that you seriously never want anything to do with me again, then don't even reply to this, don't waste your time. and if that is the case, then it's fine, but i'm walking away if it is, and from that point on it will have been wayyy too late for you to ever change your mind.((the vangohs, lots of money, for shit on canvas?))

but if there is something else there, i would strongly suggest that you tell me. you don't have to be specific, but you should at least let me know so i'm not left completely in the dark with nothing but a used match.
i may not deserve your friendship((true story!))
but i certainly do deserve respect, and the truth- for once.
((why does truth have a dash???))
[if you need time, i'm obviously willing to comply
because i definitely was complying, until this little incident. i just want you to grow up, and tell me, instead of cowering behind your striking ability to be quiet, and ignore people.]
((wtf is with the brackets? and ignore people? I thought I was supposed to not contact her))

if you choose to keep up with this little charade, (( sounds like ))
this little cat and mouse game that you think i am oblivious to, if that's what this is,
you will seriously lose me as a friend, forever. (( OLD NEWS ))
and by forever i don't mean for the next two months
or the next twenty years
i mean 'you can be on your death bed at the age of 96, and i will be in Tahiti, sipping lemonade, far away from you' forever.((tahiti? spelled wrong, and she means ulysses sipping miller lite painting pictures of her cousin/husband mowing the lawn))
that could be good or bad for you
i really don't know, that's why i am sending you this message.
and it's why i'm still up at 2 in the morning.
((oh god not the 2am line!))
this is not a threat or a ploy,(( no never threats...never))
and this is not me begging you for your friendship (( wink wink))
because- in all honesty, you're never going to be my best friend again.(( shame))
but this is me giving you a chance to be my friend. ((what a prize at that))
one more chance, for me to not hate you.(( see all the fun we could have?!?!))
to step outside of my own comfort shell, one last time, as a sinning human being full of anger and pain, to be the bigger person, to not allow what has happened to me to take away my ability to forgive, and to love everyone with equal fashion.
this is me warning you that you are so close to pushing me all the way out the door, where i will leave and never, ever come back again- because i am honestly at the end of my rope with this mess and i'd rather just be done with it or on with it instead of waiting around for you to get your head out of your ass.
______________________________________________________________
THE INFAMOUS NOVEL AS CARLY & I CALL IT


so you don't have to read this.((rightttttttttt))
if you do, i'll know that you at least care a little bit, that i wasn't completely wrong about you- and if you don't, it will let me know that i'm not losing much.

it's a win win situation for me, i guess.
i know you're not used to me being optimistic but i kind of have to in this situation. it's a part of me that i'm working on, and so far it's worked, for the most part.

i just want, first of all, to apologize. i've always tried really hard not to stoop to your level [no offense]((of course not)) but i did, in that voicemail, and it was a mistake to cut you out of my life. that might be what you want for yourself, or me, but it's just not what i want. if i could change my feelings, i would, but i can't. i love you, you asshole. hah. jesus. not in that way, but i genuinely love you as a person, and i miss you as a friend. that's unfortunately one part of me that i don't have the strength to alter, because- believe me- i've tried. no matter what i say, i know my door will always be open if you need that.
i haven't listened to a single teb song again, since the fourth of july. dead serious. i just can't.

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i love you, whether or not you ever speak to me again. i love you so much that i think i might live in denial for the rest of my life, that you might be getting back to me. just know that, as fucked up as i happen to be, if anyone ever tells you you're incapable of something or not mature enough, or not good enough, that i'd tell him or her to go fuck themselves, you're the best friend i've had and you can do anything you set your mind to.

im getting a tattoo too, but i dont think i want to tell you what it is. i think i'll leave that in fate's hands.
((it's probably my face on her tit or something))
love always,
amanda

((creep ass and no I didn't exxxxxxxxxxxagerate the length at all"
____________________________________________________________
HAHAHA I HAVE NO COMMENTARY FOR THIS ONE I JUST CAN'T





i'm really sorry for contacting you.
i just woke up with the fear -rational or not-
that when this two months has passed,
you'll have nothing to do with me
and blame God for it, because it's the easier thing to do
so whatever. i dont know, sorry for being nuts
and if you don't contact me, then that's all good
i think this break would be a good idea.
an excellent idea, it's better for our friendship in the long run
but the dream i had last night scared me a bit.
i'd just like to know if it's a break or if it's forever.
i think satan is playing head games. idk. or i'm just retarded
both are strong possibilities.
i won't contact you again, after this, unless you return my message, which you wont.
at least one of us is listening to God
but i think you have the easier end of the deal anyway.
since you're the one getting your phone number changed, after like this summer has past it's up to you to get ahold of me.
again, sorry for contacting you.
this will be the last time, i swear.

L TO THE O TO THE L
__________________________________________________________________

first of all sorry for contacting you
and i still am not quite clear as to what i did to ruin this
but i'm sure you think so, so, there's not too much i can do about it. i just want you to know, that as lowly as you think of me, i do love you, a lot. that's not an apology; they never get me anywhere with you anyway. i am never going to be that person you want me to be. i just went to my parents', and my mother re-confirmed that. i am never going to be the person anyone wants me to be, so i just have to deal with that. i am seriously not just saying that, i know that i am a failure. and i am really sorry for ever befriending you. your life may have been a little easier had i never even spoken to you. there is so much i need to say to you, but i just can't. thank you, i guess, for showing me your true colors. i wish i would have seen them a little bit sooner i guess. i dont know why you think i'm superficial, or a bitch, really... but if you do and you were honest with me about it, i guess that's a step in the right direction for you. i left that mug on your porch because i figured if i was going to get over this friendship i should get rid of everything that reminds me of you. and i would feel guilty if i destroyed that cup, or threw it away, so i just let you do it. i think you should be grateful that i didn't bother you or contact you. i just left it on your porch and left. i really hope you do enjoy your life, and for all of my wrong doings, i'm sorry. again. i don't really want your forgiveness, i want you to know that, everything else aside, i do love you. i couldn't stop if i tried, because- God love me- I definately have.
.... ((crazy bitch))
____________________________________________________________
i have my bad days
this was one of them.
THAT'S NO EXCUSE, i know.
im sorry about the jealousy thing,
i love carly to death.
its just that after all our gdamn fights,
im scared of losing you as a friend.
that's all i want, i dont want you to make neon signs and tell the whole world that you're my best friend. or that im yours, whatever it is.
i just want to know that we're friends, and there are stupid little brain ninjas that remind me sometimes that we can be really bad for eachother. you know?
but im starting to realize that the though of us not being good for the other to have as a friend is coming from a lot of outside sources.
and im a paranoid freak, and im sorry for that too.
i don't hate the label of best friends,
i hate the negative things that come from it you know?
i hate that you feel confined in it
i hate that i feel confined in it
and i hate hearing 'why are you greys best friend?!'
when i know you're an amazing guy who deserves my bestfriendsmanship.
so i dont want to keep this shit up
i've said that and said that
and im sorry that i keep failing
but, believe it or not, im really trying
i know you deserve my trust
it's just hard to hand it out sometimes.
i know that i need to earn your trust as well
i am not set out to ruin your rep, greyson dale.
and thank you for being there, even when i fail.
i am honestly just afraid that you're going to see a shitty person in me, even though we both know that im not shitty, i just think i am sometimes
and any logical person, or illogical in your case-otherwise this wouldn't count-, would see how fun carly is and be like, fuck that bitch[being me], i want an easy friendship. one that doesn't involve insanity and fights all the time.
so i think that because im like that, i assumed you would be.
sorry.
i am really sorry for my attitude today
and for leaving
i know now that you weren't trying to leave me out
i just thought you guys thought i was making life awkward, and wanted me not to be there.
yeah, i was pissy, but the main reason i left was that i didnt think you guys wanted to be around me.
i know you hate my lack of self confidence, so im sorry that i said that, just want you to know what was going on.
not that you care, as you've pointed out.
i dont like that i made an awkward situation today
i shouldn't have thought that in the first place
let's face it- im an asshole sometimes.
i admitted it, save it for future reference if you wish, lol.
and if you forgive me and things are whatever again
you will not see this side of me again
because, like you said, this is immature and im 20 years old
unless you like tell me to get lost because im not good enough. haha.
___________________________________________________________


okay I'm too tired to make you look any worse
goodnight.




p.s. you're still a bitch.

FUCK YOU

You're so worthless it amazes even me sometimes. You bitch at me because you can't stay away? You're a stupid cunt and everyone hates you but nobody has the balls to tell you because they're afraid you're going to slice your wrists open. Ya know, you wrote me a letter, here's mine you stupid fucking cow;
Dear bitch:
I hate you, I have some things to tell you. I haven't told you these things because I have been too worried that you would go through with the suicide you've threatened us all with and in my mind it would be my fault. Even though it has nothing to do with me. Well here's a cheers to honesty. I no longer care. You are free to kill yourself just as you are free to breathe. Which I would prefer is none of your business. I hate you, because of the following...
You are a stalker, whose been in love with me for 5 years, and has a sick obsession with my personality.
You talk about things that I hate, because you think I love them.
I hate that.
I hate you because you're ugly, you're not ugly because I hate you, although that may have something to do with it.
You think you're such an amazing person when really there's nothing attractive to me about you. I don't think we click AT ALL.
I think you're stupid. You don't have an IQ of a million stop acting like you do.
You keep saying I treated you rudely and caused you to turn into a cold hearted bitch
NEWS FLASH, you were a cold hearted bitch when I met you and you followed me home on numerous occasions and held me hostage by sitting on the porch and refusing to leave without talking. YOU HELD ME HOSTAGE IN MY CAR!
YOU FUCKING PSYCHO
I just want to punch you in the face, because I feel you're that dumb.
Treat me like an asshole? go to hell!
Okay so moving on...
IT'S NOT A VANGOH! stop acting like I robbed you of millions, I don't have a single fucking clue where your art is to this day. P.s. my autistic niece could SHIT art better than whatever the fuck that is, it wasn't worth the price of the canvas!
You keep saying that you have better friends, your friends are all pot heads who can't keep a job, and one in particular considered himself a gay alcoholic at 7 years old but he denies that now so it's okay, and how many cars has he wrecked while drunk/high/tweaked out on coke? yea and the other one almost went to jail for being involved in grand theft auto with a drug ring?!?!?! wtf is your problem?
You're trash, your family is trash, always have been always will be, anyone in your shit town will say the same.
Don't I dare walk those streets again? Oh I dare, because you don't dare touch me. I could see you trying to kill me though and that's what scares me the most.
Stop acting like an apostle, all the apostles were under 600 lbs, and somewhat intelligent when it came to scripture. They also didn't have tattoo's, fucking random piercings, shitty highlights and dreams about kurt kobain.
I hate the fact that you think the world revolves around you. I'M A BIGGER CELEB THAN YOU AND YOU WERE IN THE NEWSPAPER MULTIPLE TIMES! Ask 20 people if they know me or you...I'll win. Go ahead do it. trust me EVERYONE knows me. you're invisible. and thank god for that. I'm also going to post your email that you sent me you frigid bitch.

oh and one more thing, I couldn't care what you think about me, and me being a failure, you're a fat retarded bitch and I'm more popular, why should I care. You wanna play high school, bitch! I get down! Enjoy the restraining order you CUNT


the email I received after following the frigid bitches wishes and not speaking to her, not contacting her, or thinking about her. fucking bitch:
and I qquotee

"""""

thanks for that little song; it was cute. fyi- we haven't been best friends in a long ass time, and that was your decision. anddd, since you have acted the way you have throughout the years, you have more than proven how fake of a friend you actually were.

i haven't done anything to you, aside from leaving you alone- which you have done to me as well. you make a big deal of nothing. sorry i have a life.

today, i met my brother, that i haven't seen in years. he is amazing, and i couldn't begin to explain how happy i am to have met him. to have opened that door. not that you care, but it was a great day for me- and not even you can bring me down, buddy. it's funny, i really wanted you to know about my amazing experience today. i wanted to go against God Himself and tell you, but THANK the good lord I have friends that remind me of how much of a fuck you actually are. Verbatim, Greyson. "He's a fuck, don't waste your time."

good thing i didn't, but if i'm a former friend that you hate- thank you. gives me a little breathing room.

have a good one- i don't want to hear from you again. i have the friends and family that i need, and i prefer you to be out of my life anyway- if you haven't picked up on that in the past month or so.

"""""

haha xoxo cuntbag


You truly are the herpes to my beautiful life you piece of shit. Rot in hell.

fuckkk

So I think I'm going to start putting the songs that I listen to into while writing into the blogs I write so you can listen to the song and read it. So...maybe it will give you a little bit more insight into how I'm feeling when I write it.

Right now I'm listening to TATU - All the things she said.

Okay so in talking with one of my readers, I realized. I need out. I need to figure out how to get stable and I need a full time job to do so and I need to go on vacation. I want a dad...I know random and off topic but honestly, My picture perfect dad never made it to curtain call. He never even left the dressing room and that's what sucks. you spend all your life waiting for the moment when you'll see him and forget about the shitty childhood that was just bland, bleak, dark and depressing and then everything and I mean EVERYTHING falls through the floorboards and into a funeral home. I didn't go to my own fathers funeral. I feel terrible for it but jesus I was just a kid.

the song just changed to kid cudi - Day and Night


And I'm getting heavily involved in online conversations
I want to go swimming so fucking bad right now.

guess i left this window up all day okay so here's round two..

Okay so I just finished up raking leaves...I feel like my quality of life has fucking gone down. It fucking sucks. I haven't showered today and I feel disgusting, but of course I've met with two different physical therapists, a CNA and went to the post office. FML. I need a breath of fresh air.

dear friend...

ugh my former friends really suck

I've been listening to musicals and fighting with former friends all morning...sorry i know it's been forever. but I am getting back into the swing of things. being unemployed isn't as awesome when it's cloudy in cold. and like I've always said. there's nothing cute about taking a drag in denim or puking in pumps. these vices are killing me but I've still got them. I've got marches to make and books to write. So anyways still don't have a job, my brother might be going to prison, my mom is going crazy, I'm living at home with no money to send my clothing here. My taxes are with my clothing...those will probably be late, I'll just keep procrastinating. Trying to find a job sucks, I've applied to atleast 50 places nobody wants a college drop out it just doesn't look good on a resume, I'm sure of it. I really want to work for joey but I no longer live near him. He'll be in philly on sunday but I can't go to philly for an interview because I have no car and no cash to put gas in it. I almost started working at the gay bar but glenn gave me cash so I didn't and now I have 4 dollars to my name and it's not enough for a car, apartment or new clothing. Maybe I'll just go homeless when it warms up a little. I don't know, everyone knows what I need except me. I've been told by numerous people lately. "you need to figure out what you want" I know what I want in the future, but now...not so much, what I want is to know how to figure out what I want. I don't even know where to start and I feel like I'm behind the world again. I used to think I was just as fast and keeping up with traffic but now it doesn't seem as clear. I have no idea where my life is going, when, how or why. I'm dying for some clarity in all these applications



pssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssipromiseillstartwritingmoreitsjustivebeenreallybusy.

=]]

Some random things I found on my laptop before clearing it:


Lift your head while they change the hospital sheets.
It took her three months to quit
But only a day to live the life she dreamed.
Justifying nothing
Believing not a thing
Speaking the truth
Doing her own damn thing




another,

Only you would make a heart break with a smile and only you would make my heart break worth my while.

here's another,


So I’ve decided that my everyday life is an amazing drama, and the whole audience is in shock and terror, it sucks that they need subtitles for everything that goes on, everything, even my thoughts are interrupted by the narrarator on the phone.

And another,

It was when I finally came to, and saw the disgustingness of what I was doing, it was then I wanted to cry. I never had before. There in that trailer, I had let I go too far and when I had finally finished what sodomy I thought I could handle, I was out of breath. I couldn’t speak. I finally inhaled and said, “I should go.” I whispered though in my mind I was screaming. All he had to say was “That’s okay, are you okay?” and he smiled. I said “I’m fine, please just- I need to go”. I realized that night while I struggled for the nicotine in the drag, that standing in this mans driveway feeling disgusted with myself, was worthless, and it wouldn’t get me anywhere. I decided to move on, and I did. Finally I came to realize, that in order for me to feel great about myself, I had to stand some ground, I had to have boundaries. I now have much higher standards for any man I meet, and I will never stand in the driveway of a mans trailer dying, again.


But I am at the ocean, and you are at the Delaware
Where did we drift apart?
Like waves from a boats moor,
We failed to stay together
And now we have become bitter
It’s overcast here,
And it’s as if life itself has faded
With the boggyness of fall
It’s never clear here anymore
And neither is my head,
But I am at the ocean and you are at the Delaware…
My friend.


Some more!

Have you ever seen the ground move?
I’ve seen it breathing
Caressing each blade of grass with ease
What a beautiful breeze
I’ve seen whipperwills
Whip through the thrashing of it’s chest
I’ve seen the sun warm it’s very energy
And as I watched I thought aloud
Am I the only one to experience reality
One piece at a time.
I feel alone as I watch the lake
It’s skin thrown and thrashed
The way pebbles fall to sidewalks
With tugging, and shrugging of the shores


omg there's more?!?!?
to come...

And the two just collide

And they just collide together
and the two are one
without a seam to tell the one from two
and it will go on and on and on and on
and it will forever be
Because it is just one
And they were just two
Until I chose to discuss this with you
And they became one
In the middle of the darkness
And they’ve always been a unit
Because they function as the same
Giving me a sense of peace
And fear
A sense of sensibility and serenity
And nobody is going to steal that from me





Am I understood.

whats up with my fucked up dreams?

Okay so I had a dream that I was reading a coozie and this is what it said:

right leg wear this knowing, fierce black stiletto
left leg don't wear a shoe
Cause I'm afraid that when these girls speak
it's the last lie they'll ever tell


That's the closest to what it said that I can remember...yea.

Another apology.

I'm a liar.
I'm irresponsible.
I'm belligerent.
It was fun.

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry to you for all the times I put the bottle before you. And I'm sorry for all the times I acknowledged it in my own mind, and didn't stop myself. I'm so sorry that I let you down, and I'm sorry that I wasn't there.
I'm not sorry that I had a great time, and I don't regret it. I know I did things I shouldn't have, and I know I went against my very own morals. I know that I made bad decisions. But it was a damn good time. I loved every minute of it. I lived my days in recovery and my nights under bright lights. Living every moment.

Through all of this I have one thing to say.
I'm sorry. There's nothing I can do to fix it now, but I am. I am so sorry. I can't lose you, I'd give anything for you, and I don't know what I would do without you. I need you. Like you needed me. I'm sorry. There's nothing to be done now. but I would give anything to try. Please let me be the Greyson Dale you know. Please let me be, that part of you that's been missing. Please,just hear you me. I'm sorry.

so about that job of yours

okay and p.s. I think sometimes I just can't deal with life without a little controversy I want to include a question in this blog soooo bad but I can't I feel like it would just be too much controversy and that's never good. Oh also I think I'm going to go to work for a surf camp in Hawaii. That's what I'm thinking. I kinda want to work on a cruise-line though. I'm not sure yet. why not though? I could travel for two months. I like that increment.

HAHA my karma is probably so bad.

So, I'm doing a victory dance once again. Annette stopped posting... Haha, just had to rub that in. I told you bitches, I'm a dangerous woman. Somedays I feel unstoppable other days people just tell me. So anyways it's almost 4 am I need to go to bed. I think tmr we're remodeling some things. I have no Idea what though.



p.s. "Annette" everyone thinks you suck. MWAH
Raspberries to you!

Oh &&& Carly... 4 wheelin? Eh? When?

I'm a totured soul

Why can I not just get my feelings and emotions straight? I can't figure myself out. Literally 5 minutes ago I was thinking to myself how much I really do belong here. Yet now I'm looking at the sky and I know I don't. But do I know or am I thinking? I'm fucking 19 I can't understand anything and everyone says oh this is a learning period you're figuring out who you are. I know who I am, I just don't understand how being ass backwards 24/7 is a learning experience. I don't find this environment at all to be conducive to learning. I feel like such an idiot. I want to have a good paying job and I need to be able to go shopping when I want. Ugh! I need moneys!!! I hope that my taxes will be enough and that possibly I can just buy some shit car and go from there. My madre told me 4 months is when I'll be moving out. well i'm switching up the schedule a little because I'm not going to live here for 4 months jesus christ. I hate this house. I'm not staying.

Cause you are my heaven

p.s. I hate airports....It seems like every time I fly my eyes are bloodshot, exhausted, stressed out and have a blood pressure falling nowhere near normal. I'm so sad right now. As the sun rises in this small airport, I begin to realize all the things I'm leaving and all the things I'm going back to. The things I'm leaving seem so much more severe and much worse than the things I'm going back to. I'm leaving what I thought was my fist official leg of independence, I've left family, time with friends, a whole summer and a pair of sunglasses which I'm very upset about here. I wish I had them right now, just to shade my tears...just a little. I'm also leaving the neighbor who was AMAZING and so sexy. I'm going to miss the 70 degree mornings and the 80+ degree nights, I'm going to miss the sun, and the moon, which always seems bigger, brighter, whiter and never as alone in Florida. Last night I laid in my neighbors arms, yes the same neighbor who gave me the most amazing birthday! I laid in his arms and the same words of the same old song kept circling my head, as if the band was playing in the walk in. I laid there and heard it, clear as his voice in my ear... "You are my heaven..." I think I've finally come to my senses... I need to change, a lot of things, major one is my lifestyle, I can't keep partying like I have been, I can't keep this scene going forever. I can't take EVERY guy home, and I sue as hell don't intend to...I also need to change my attitude. I don't think I've been keeping a positive attitude on a lot of things. Maybe this move is for the better. I just need to learn to realize that in the moment. Every spur of the moment decision I make feels so great. I think it's because in that moment everything is under my control and if it's not, I made sure it wouldn't be. I'm going to miss the sun, but it's time to go. I'm going to miss you, but please just remember...you are my heaven. It's time to start walking into the sunshine.

goodnight worldo

what nothing new on a monday night? boo.


So I've become a trend whore I've been listening to Katy Perry Thinking Of You" like I'm feigning for it. It's terrible I know. I've got issues. So I'm a little depressed a little on edge, a little outrageous, and very excited to be moving home. I need it.
I need to be home, I need to get my life straightened out, I can't do that here. I need to be in school, I need to be working, I need it so bad. I need my family and friends things just aren't working out here. I finally put things together and found out who it's been. Whatever I hate people who are that disgustingly smug. WhatEVAH so I'm going back to work for my previous bosses....OMFG I can't wait!!!! they finally got the lounge finished and some other things from what I've heard. I'm starting to wonder when the fuck am I going to quit smoking? But to be honest right now is just not a good time at ALL. I'm just too stressed but I want to face the world sober I'm sick of fighting all my problems with a beer and a smoke it's too much. OK I'm going to finish this cigarette, go inside with my brother and maybe write some more in my book. Goodnight blog

omg...I finally figured it out

she's jealous. even though she has the "best of everything" and all I have is a pair of RL's and a fake louis wallet... she's jealous. She's upset because I have a life, and friends, who happen to be awesome. And 169 profile views...she has 3 which are all me. She's also upset because there is not enough controversy on the internet...I'm surprised the hasn't left me a prop 8 comment...or maybe she did...Idk. Hunny, go home, nobody here agrees with you. I'm getting phone calls about how stupid you are. My readers don't like you. Please go away. Thanks. geez. so onto something more important...


I'm a low life also. I finally told the IT guy what I thought we broke it off...quite well actually. The usual fight to break a relationship. I'm starting to realize I'm just not cut out for this. I don't want relationships and I don't want one night stands. I need something new. I just don't know what. maybe it's closure. I'm sorry to all the men I've hurt. I'm also very sorry that I am now known as the heart break kid. My life is such a beautiful disaster. It's kinda scary really. I have limits. I'm not invincible but I am the king. I will not be pushed around and I think people know that. I think this is the biggest rebellious stage EVER. Other than that one time lol. So anyways, I'm considering going back to therapy just because I haven't been and it's not good to not go. I've been in therapy since high school and to all the sudden not go? Not a good idea. Okay I need to go take a shower and finish packing...smooches.

oh my goodness my

Oh, I'm so glad to be leaving...I cannot get the boys to leave me alone now...every corner I turn there's more, more, more. I'm trying not to get very angry today although I have a feeling a blowup will occur later. Who knows? So anyways it's a good time, this place isn't quite my hustle. Too many nosy overloaded snob ass mother fuckers who feel it's their place to judge have found the internet. Yea well fuck them. Whoops, did I start? Yes I did. I never posted the blog about Annette, it just sounded too rude. Mr.Anonymous, sweetcheeks99 and now Annette, when will you ever learn? I'll shut you down each time. Now watch this: I know you're a piece of shit, I don't need to justify this blog to anyone but keep it up and I'll just write more for you to read every day. Nothings going to change, I'm not afraid of petty people, I've fought people like you for years! You think you're bigger than me? HAHA I wish you could only see, so do me a favor shut the fuck up or say something to me. Not at me, to me. My emails in my profile. I'm actually pretty descriptive in it. Maybe because I'm not some internet coward. Oh and by the way...FUCK YOU.

fuck my whole life....seriously just fuck the shit out of it.

I hate this, I'm moving back to Pennsylvania because my family is so fucked up it's unreal. I can't even handle it. For real...my life is sucking right now and not because of anything I did but because of my family who cannot for the life of them be normal. I wish I would've been born a WASP. For real what I wouldn't give for a sober, forgiving, understanding, and open minded family without regrets. No lie, people don't ever see me behind the mask...if you could see my past I think alot of opinions about me would change...okay I need to go drink a little bit and fuck the pain away. Thanks mom for making me this mad... I hope the way I live my life makes you fucking proud!

Day and night

I'm moving back to Pennsylvania and it's a good thing, last night I was in the gay bar, drinking up a storm. I made it back to the apartment and threw my life up into my toilet. It was then that I realized...I didn't sign up for this. I'm a professional, not an alcoholic. I don't know what I'm doing. That scares me. I don't want to drink like that anymore. But seriously, if I start drinking, I just want to drink till I'm dead. I laid on my bathroom floor for an hour last night going in and out of puking, fainting, sweating and breathing. It was terrible. I don't want this anymore. I want a simple normal life and I need to go back to PA to get my life straightened out. fuck what other people say, I need to live my life and do this for me.

fuck yeah

fuck what other people say... I just got the best advice of my life....it's time to live my life for me!