FUCK IT ALL

I feel like this blog should be on a billboard somewhere. Someday someone will read it and find it somewhat interesting. Okay so I have something a little fucked up to blog about this thyme. it's okay if you have no idea what I'm talking about. nobody said you had to understand, only to listen. OK so if you want to listen to what I'm listening to:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XEUWFvT16f8
Sorry I couldn't embed it because UMG is super gay.

Have you ever felt cheated because you passed up on something AMAZING? Do you ever regret being the person you are today because of who you were yesterday? Do you think you ever said goodbye to the wrong afternoon lover? Some people find love in a trailer park. Some find it in the Ghetto. Some find it on the beach, in a brightly lit condo. And some never find it. But sometimes I think it's found without looking, not on accident but I think it's found unplanned, spontaneous, forceful but gentle.

Told you...fucked up right?

Okay so here's the question on my mind tonight...p.s. it's almost 3:30am and I worked all day...

Nevermind no question just talking about me

I keep getting this over-whelming feeling that my entire future lies all over the world and like a puzzle I have to go collect the pieces and put them together on the shore. literally the shore. I get the feeling that my future lies elsewhere, my happiness elsewhere, I've already found my joy, I can't find my future though, My god I can't even find my fucking present. I don't feel like the grass is any greener because I know it's the same fucking shade of the same god forsaken brown. I just feel like there's more. more than this shit city, more than these broken legs, more than these broken wings. I know I can fly! I fucking know it. I just don't have the resources. I'm sick of fucking struggling and being alone in this fight. I'm sick of being stuck. I feel as though I'm back to spinning my fucking tires. I KNEW THIS WOULD FUCKING HAPPEN. I can't tell you how alone I feel. I can't tell you how hard it's been and I can't even begin to describe how I feel and what emotions are flowing through me. I wrote a song the other day about a guy I used to be involved with. I couldn't finish it. A. Because he turned out to be a worthless asshole. big surprise there, but also because I was an ass. & B. I can't write these days. I've been trying but I find myself collapsing on the piano just ballng my eyes out. I've been crying really weird lately. I don't know.

I'm filled with fucking remorse. Right now I need to stop writing because it's really upsetting me. I've been getting fucking worked up over this shit because I take a step back and just can't fucking get over how bad my life is right now. Okay I know it sounds like a pity party but if you don't like it, here's a link to www.google.com go fuck yourself. I feel like my life has gone from "worth something" to fucking "fuck you" literally my quality of life is just terrible. I probably won't shower tomorrow until 5pm, I'll lay in bed until then and think about all of this shit while I proceed to do nothing about it but that's okay. I don't smoke anymore so it's supposed to be okay. well

FUCK THIS

I'm thinking about checking myself in for a while. I need to escape for a while and sometimes I seriously worry what I could do to myself if put in the right situation. I'm scared of what I would, could, often think about doing. I don't want that for me.


oh and the restricted calling thing is a major reason for most of this. I feel like I'm drowning and I can't fucking catch one rope. I feel so alone and so trapped inside myself if that makes any fucking sense. I just kinda feel suffocated in this whole experience and this situation isn't helping at all. just fuck it. FUCK IT ALL.

I can fly
But I want his wings
I can shine even in the darkness
But I crave the light that he brings
Revel in the songs that he sings
My angel...
Please just take me away from this place.

I still think about you all the time.