fight h8 in 09

the strokes - you only live once, is playing the background. Enjoy this blog.


So it's been a while, and the only reason why I'm back is A; to answer a question for my self about something someone said to me via text msg, you know who you are, thanks for falling off the face of the earth for like ever and B; to bitch my head off. Okay let's go.

So I bought a phone, we all know this. 10 days ago, once again, a fact we all know. But do you know the fucker who sold it to me still has not shipped it?!?!?!? I KNOW. seriously an entire week has gone by, and no shipping 4-5 business days MY ASS. I never even got a confirmation number. ASSHOLE. I'm pissed. Like nobodies business. God my grammar skills suck. So I'm working right now and I'm really anxious to answer this question, so I'll blog later. peace out holmes.


OH AND P.S. I hope you have a happy and safe new year, let's pray for life.

So I'm pretty sure than nobody reads my blog. But I don't care.

So I'm home for the holidays, I'm at moms house, and about five minutes ago I got the 5 year old excitement for opening gifts tmr. That made no sense, I feel like I'm five years old and I can't wait to open gifts. I already snuck a peek into my stocking. Lol. I know, I'm OUT OF CONTROL. So I'm home, this is kind of my update; while everyone is on winter break I'm still working my ass off only a couple hours from my moms house, she visits me just about every weekend. For those of you who don't read my blog and didn't know. So anyways I'm home, I miss home because it means I don't have to work and I can sit on the couch all night and watch logo if I want, it's nice because I don't have to worry about any obligations, other than the whole christmas thing tomorrow. I kind of have to be there for that, not a big deal though. So that's what I'm doing, I'm on the couch watching logo. Of course my mom behind the crazy woman she is re-did my room. She cleaned it out and set up my bed. I LOVE IT. I feel home, which is nice. However I have an inner battle I'm fighting. Do I, or do I not bring edward with me to florida? Edward is a computer chair that I bought. Where did I get him?!?!? Omg I can't remember....texting carly.... He's upholstered in pink fabric which hides the rainbow taffy looking stripped fabric underneath which has recently emerged for the world to see. He's the most comfortable thing ever. I love edward, he's like a really old double arm chair, I've had him for YEARS. But omg I can't remember where I bought him, I don't think I found him I'm pretty sure I bought him from somewhere......still waiting for a reply from carly.....this is bugging me. Bu yea okay so moving on, me and carly named him edward because I he just needed a name, he's been by my side and under my ass since what feels like forever, I think anyone who has come into my room and had a seat on him has fallen asleep at one time or another in edward. He's all like old and worn out. I'll post a picture someday. GOD I CAN'T REMEMBER AND CARLY STILL HAS YET TO TEXT ME, THE STUPID BITCH. Whatever so enough about edward...I want to take him. I'll be driving to florida the 5th and 6th I think we're going to make reservations at a hotel we stayed at once upon a time in virginia. It's going to be a BLAST. So anyways I'm home, it's a good time. If you want to see me before I shove off get a hold of me, there's a few people I absolutely HAVE TO SEE and one person who's local ish who i really want to meet. IDFK. Find me, happy holidays, stay sober, and be safe. mooches. bitches.

When you're shallow as a shower.

These cigarettes are TERRIBLE my laptop has no charger cord and I'm running on 66% battery which has to last me 2 days...hopefully just one. Anyways I'm working like a real business man, and I think I may just start new company. It's been realllly hectic with the holidays and all this other shit going onnn ughhhh so anywho's I'll be updating and back online soon. Love you bitches.


ps go listen to cute is what we aim for - curse of curves...it's amazing. Loved it since high school and I'm still fresh bitches.

here's the link by the wayyy

http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/n/a/2008/12/19/state/n150241S64.DTL


:)

song of the moment: Right here - staind

Prop 8 and how it's ruining america.

Okay so I realize that I'm always bitching about prop 8 but it effects me directly. I do hope to get married some day if I find the right guy. The newest thing in the prop 8 debate: Prop 8 martyrs, saints, whatever the hell it is they're calling themselves are now pushing for the 18 THOUSAND marriages, that means two people in each, who love each other very much, to be void. think about 36 THOUSAND individuals who, if this passes, will be heart broken and pretty much told they're second class and don't deserve to marry. These people want to take marriage from the people who already have it. So imagine if we tried to go back to slavery. Are you kidding? For real? Yea. So these people will be divorced and not by their own choice, thousands of people are being told that once again they have to change their name, their taxes, they're medical coverage. Everything. All this says is "You can't sit in the front of the bus." It proves, prop 8 is not about a definition, it's about discrimination. Why is it such a big deal to these people? I mean honestly like when was the last time you heard of a gay person flipping out and donating money to wreck a marriage? We don't care if you love the woman you're cheating on, beating, and more than 50% probability going to divorce, then by all means, be married and LOVE IT. There hasn't been a single divorce in any of these 18k marriages. Does that tell you anything??? Like if I want to I can go to vegas, snort coke in a cheap hotel bathroom, drink bottles and bottles of booze, until I can't even pronounce my own name, walk to any 24 hour wedding chapel and marry some woman off the street. It's legal. I can pay someone to have sex with me at a whorehouse in vegas. Hell I can sell my virginity on the internet, it's been done. I can have sex with as many men as I can fit into a week, on camera, for money. I can drink until I'm dead. It's all legal. And it's sad, like what kind of a corrupt world do we live in where this is possible. Yet I can't get married to a man? I honestly don't see how people think I'll be imposing on their rights. Or how it's dangerous. Whatever, I'm going to get married, even If I have to have it done by a close friend. I don't care. I'm not going to be pushed into the underground. What's next it's illegal to be gay? We're corrupting your beautiful world of divorce, cheating, and shows like desperate hoousewives? Go to hell. If you don't support gay marriage I think that's your view and I think it's awesome to have an opinion, of course we don't agree. Still, it's your right to have a view on the subject and I'm not going to fight you about it. Supporting prop 8 is another, supporting prop 8 means you support hatred and discrimination and it's no longer prop 8 in my eyes, it's prop8 of hatred, lies, bigotry, and discrimination. Any supporter of this proposition, is no friend of mine. Sorry. I was born this way prop 8 isn't going to change me. :) Love you bitch!

p.s.

For all of you who have the nerve to say my life is not that bad: My life is ONE TRAGEDY AFTER ANOTHER.


Don't believe me, take a walk in my shoes, you wouldn't last 5 minutes. K?

I thank god I'm still alive.

I left the house at 1am on my way to sheetz for some Mt. Dew and a chicken wrap. So I leave the house and of course on the way there I see a man falling all over the ice stumbling for any sign or pole he can hold on too. He's drunk, me being the good person I am clear off my front seat turn around and convince the man he's drunk, and to let me take him home. Which of course I do and he tells me on the 5 minute drive all about how he has nobody and it makes him sad to see marriages fail and partners fight. So he returns to his home with a BAC well off the scale, I'm pretty sure he would've died on his own, he was a mess. So I continue after dropping this man off to sheetz, believing my karma has just been boosted I'm of course wearing a smile. I walk into sheetz, just thinking, grab some dew and order my wrap take it to my car, hop in, and....this is where my night went to hell. My car wouldn't start, the usual noise it makes was not being made and it just made a buzzing, of course being me I just take a second, look under my hood, like I know whatever the hell it is I thought I could do, get back in and try again. No luck. A young scruff ball of a man walks up to me asking me about my drugs. I told him, I have no drugs and I do not sell drugs nor do I use them. Sorry. Call my boss. Call my boss. Call my boss, he answers. I tell him the situation, he's an hour away he'll be there soon. 45 minutes later I get a call, from my boss, he has another ambulance run, 15 minute run, so I wait. Another nasty older man walks up to me, asks me for drugs I again turn him down while fearing for my life. I don't want my car towed. I don't like AAA, So 15 minutes go by I get another call. I'm still in the parking lot of sheetz with no heat. I'm now using bic lighters to warm my hands. Yes, I went there. He has another 15 minute run, no big deal I call AAA whoever makes it first makes it. My phone dies sometime between then and now. I don't have a car charger. So AAA is there an hr later, my boss isn't. So AAA jumps me, I guess that was all I needed and I head over to the station because my car will die if I shut it off. So I figured my boss could take me to buy a battery and everything would be fine. He could put a battery in and my life would go on. My mom is HOURS away so she's of no assistance. I love her anyway. So I'm driving down macarthur and I'm braking for a light, my radio goes off, along with my lights and everything else. My car has officially died. I pronounced it deceased at the scene, I pop the bitch in neutral and coast into a nearby parking lot it's sometime around 345, 40o? I had no concept of time without my phone. PS two cops stopped by in the sheetz parking lot one asked me why I was there, the other was just satisfied to find I had no drugs and I wasn't dealing. What's with the drugs? Do I look like a drug dealer? Aren't they all mean? I'm too nice. So my car hadn't really warmed up so I was freezing, I grabbed a hoodie, a jean jacket and a parka and I set for a hike. I walk about a half mile looking for an open gas station, nothing, I walk back. Another cop stops me, a lady cop. She tried to call my employer and get a hold of anyone who could help me. No luck so I thank her, she tells me I need to move my car, I invite her to help me push it home, she kindly declines then leaves and I hike across the highway where I meet the homeless man who needs money the conversation went something like this.
Mr.Homeless: Hey man you got any cash?
Me: NO
Mr.Homeless: Dude I really need some cash
Me: If I had cash would I be walking right now?
Mr.Homeless: I just need some MONEY
Me: I'M CRAZY RIGHT NOW AND I DON'T HAVE ANY MONEY, STEP OFF!
and he did.
so it's off to walmart looking for a wall charger and praying customer service will let me plug in my phone just long enough to get my bosses cell number. My boss drives by while I'm in walmart. They don't have my charger, I'm crying, In the middle of walmart. It's about 5am and everyone is watching me breakdown in the middle of electronics. I'm literally crouched on the ground crying. I look up to see a charger for lg, it's of course a car charger. Hoping I have a little bit of juice left in my battery I buy it and hike back I plug it in and drain my battery of any juice left in it for a 4 sec phone call to my boss in which I screamed/cried "I'MINTHERADIOSHACKPARKINGLOTCOMEGETMEINEEDHELP" It was terrible. So my boss came and saved me. We went to walmart, got jumper cables took a look see at the car, figured it was hopeless and he helped me by jumping my car every 5 miles. I coasted down a couple hills cause I lost my car at the top. It was the BEST there's nothing like it. I told my mom the story at 6am, she was not pleased with any part of it particularly the drunk everyone finds it dangerous, well I live on the edge, so basically I was without heat for hours, I cried, alot. I've never had an emotional break down in the middle of walmart before tonight, I must say it's something everyone needs to see. And of course when I get home I can't get up my driveway, thank you karma, I'll never pick up a fucking drunk again. If I ever make it to florida it'll be a miracle. So in conclusion tonight was the worst night of my life. I hate pennslyvania. I have the best boss in the world. My luck sucks and I really really hope when I wake up everything is better. Because right now, my day can't really get much worse. :)

so tell me about your life

p.s. I need a cigarette, It's been a while.
it's bad timing, to be put simple. I'm about to move...it's 17 days today =) and I am in the middle of trying to jump start my professional life. I want a career and I'm very close. I'm trying to get together what I need to launch a product by spring. Of course it's bad timing, why wouldn't it be. Does anybody have 1000 condoms or want to buy them for me for 104.00? I need to do this before it's done by someone else. I'm ready to launch this product small scale and start making money. I have the worst luck when it comes to timing. So tell me about your life.

truelife.

I might be on truelife. I have to do some thinking though. I'm really scared.

Soon, we'll be found

so I just like got up and around and the fucking nurse just got here and I'm having my morning smoke. I just want to be left alone on mornings like this. It's going to be a long day so please light a candle for me, let me know I'm in your prayers. Let's not fight, i'm tired can't we just sleep tonight? 20 more days, and I'm a free man.


ps todays song is sia - soon we'll be found

Remember me with laughter, not tears

What do I want out of life. Just a couple simple things.

I want;
To grow up, but remember what being a kid is.
To support a good cause, with my whole heart.
To find love, and to love him madly, with all my heart.
A simple wedding on the beach.
A house on the beach.
A good friend to always hold my hand when I need her.(Thanks carlyjo)
An office with my name on the door, business cards, and employees. I love power.
A mini cooper. Blue.
My lip pierced.
A couple more tattoos. All with a meaning.
To spend the rest of my life surrounded by the people I love.
A day to spend at the beach with carly. She's a sand and sun virgin.
My face on a coffee cup.
My face on a billboard.
I want to survive and help others in time of tragedy.
I want to go through life uninjured, and live past 50.
I want to be happy.
I want to live everyday to the fullest.
I want to die peacefully.
I want to make a difference.


PS I want my wedding on the shore, everyones in white, and khaki, it's a warm summer evening with a beautiful sunset to seal the deal. I want a table on the shore with the light globes from the vai vedrai scene in alegria around it and of course none of you have any idea what I'm talking about, because it's from cirque du soleil. I want like a metal wire birdcage for a center piece. That or a fish bowl. I just want one large table where me and a couple of friends can sit and laugh. I want to get married by a preacher who's easy going and chill. I want to get married in comfortable casual clothing...I really do. In a very intimate atmosphere, just me, my partner, my mom, brothers and friends. After we finish the ceremony I want to join my friends at the table to watch the sunset, and drink wine. After the wine enjoyment I want to go for a boat ride on the ocean, just watching the stars, maybe some fresh lobster and crab with more wine. I want that to be my wedding and reception. It's easy it's simple. I don't even want cake...I just want really good wine and really good seafood and I want my friends there. My friends mean the most to me, I think carly is going to be my best man? Not my brothers. I have three and I couldn't just choose one plus I don't want groomsmen...it's just too much, I want it simple. Easy. I think I want to fly my friends down for like a week before the wedding/ceremony just for the whole thing. I'm thinking four of my girls. Not their boyfriends unless I've gotten to know them before and then it's okay. But I want that to be MY day I want to spend it with MY friends. I'm going to be such a bridezilla, but for real isn't that like the easiest wedding ever? I mean come the hell on...it's simple and that's what I want. I really want the globes though, just wait till you see those bitches. OH and I forgot to mention, instead of a wedding planner I think carly is going to be the one to go shopping with us. I can't wait to meet the love of my life. Like literally.

I want all the things I do so all my friends who outlive me can go to the shore with my ashes in a box, sprinkle them in the deep sea. And come back to the same beach where I was married, sit at a table, drink great wine, and laugh. I don't want my death to be a sorrowful time, for anyone. I want my friends to remember me in laughter, not tears.

King me.

I am colorblind, and since fucking when can you play piano? You pretentious ball sucker. Any day mother fucker. Okay so I'm sorry that I haven't updated in 5 whole days omfb I know but this is why. I am moving to florida in a couple weeks and I had some stuff to do before I could make it happen. It's officially official. In a couple hours my mom is going to walk downstairs, and wake me up. I'm going to get a quick shower, get dressed and ready, drive 7.2 miles for coffee and come back where my mom will be all ready and looking fresh. We will then look at the notes we took the night before open our cell phones and pretend we know what we're doing. We'll be on the phone most of the morning. ugh. Ps he's STILL FUCKING TEXTING ME. jesus. I told the boy, we're over. He just doesn't get it. So anyways we have to finish all this stuff up tmr before I can officially move, it's going to be a long day. I only have 3 weeks left and I wil be counting down the days 21 today :) it's coming up fast and I'm ready to run So let's go with me baby get ready to roll. I'll be on my way to florida very fucking soon. I don't know if I can go though. This is me speaking honestly. I don't know if I can live without my mom, fuck you if you think I'm a mama's boy. My mother and I share a very special bond that a lot of people don't understand you can even ask car car. We're the best of friends in a mom son kinda way, she's always there for me, and always has been. I don't know if I can just shove off without her, especially when she's in this situation that she's in. It's going to be tough and I don't know quite yet how to react to it. Atleast I'll have my brothers. At some point I do need to move on but I think I'm a little different from them in the aspect that it's completely different from when they originally moved out and the 42 times to follow. Another one I don't know about is carly. I'm afraid that if not now, never and if not now when? I'm so scared that this will be the end of us, and I need her more than she knows, she keeps my pistons pumping...if you know what I mean. She's the soothing in the soft and the chill about the frost, she's the sting before the breath and the strength to keep it in. I don't know if I can deal without her. Florida is the MOST BEAUTIFUL state you'll ever see, it's geriatric heaven and it's sand and sun all year round, I think the first year will be tough I just have to keep in mind that I'm only going to be alone for the first year. After that I'm sure things will change, I'm sure my mom will be joining me, and I hope carly can do it even sooner. I know my mom can't but...she will. I know she will. It's just scary because the people who I rely the most on now, won't be around forever. Neither will I. I don't want to leave this world I live in now, but I know deep inside if I don't I'll regret it. I also know that I am not going to waste the best years of my life. I want to party I want to go buck wild and I want to do whatever the fuck it is I want. I do have priorities though. I owe some people a lot. I have to do this all in good time or not do it at all. And the scariest thing about it is, I'm going to be....on my own.

It's time to turn and face the music

Say hello to the composer
He's sitting to your right
He wrote every score
Every line of your life
Say hello to the maestro
He's waiting to begin
To lead the orchestra
Which you call your friends
Say hello to the piano player
He's about to play your soul
Every note, Every chord
And you feel it start, so slow
Say hello to your singer
She's singing just for you
Singing harmony, and melody
Every note, in perfect tune.
Now turn and face the music
Turn and watch the stage
This isn't Just another day
Another phase, another page.



It's time to face the music. I need to turn and listen to what is playing out in front of me. I wrote this masterpiece and I need to hear it played. It's a work in progress. I'm going to Florida. Soon. As in, a couple weeks. I've said it before but this time it's for real. I'm going to school there. In January, everybody smile and pretend you're happy for me...k thanks. And I'm excited for it. There's alot of very exciting things about moving, missing my best friend...is not. Oh carly.

Carly, I need you. In my life. All the time. This may just be the hardest thing to ever happen to us, other than all the death, distance and stupid bitches before this. :) I need you like air and quite frankly I'm not sure how I'm going to do this without you. This move is scarier than when I moved out at 14. I'm not quite sure what to do. I'll make it through somehow but I really want you with me. I'm hoping you'll join me soon. I'm hoping someday you'll join me in the sun. You deserve it.

uhm yes sir, I'm over you?

Go to hell, yes you and your friends.
Ughhhh why are gay people some drama whores. Okay so that's a stereotype and I realize we're not all like this but for real. I mean seriously wtf, my life is full of drama. Control your poison babe. I'm so tired and I'm at work and this is how my day went; I woke up and went to an early hair appt at the salon down the road and had my hair cut and toned, it looks good but cost my life. I need to figure something out, I'm not making enough money, it's not the economy...it's me. I really think it's me, I might go back too serving...I don't know. I'd love to get back into a restaurant. My bosses said I can't get my lip pierced or I have to take it out when I work, well you have to wait for it to heal first...Fuck that. I'm going to Florida and I'm going to work in telemarketing. I'm hungry for muscadines, and yes I hate my job. PS I'm over your bullshit lies, and pretentious kisses. They weren't that good anyways ;)

Lift your head, while they change the hospital sheets

I'm stressed as hell. Here's my update for ya. I work tmr. I'm tired. I went to see her in the hospital today, she's very sick, very sad, very rough looking. I think she's on her way out, she'll be stepping off the elevator and into his arms very soon. I'm going to miss our talks over ice cream, and the laughs we shared so many times, but I'm hoping and praying she'll be here for a while. I couldn't live with out her, she keeps me going, I swear it, she does. I've been with her just about everyday since she's been in. she's coughing all insane and the nurses can't do their job, they apparently get paid too much to change the sheets once in a while. It all pisses me off. Travis dumped me, we weren't really official but that's pretty much what happened, ALL I WANTED WAS A CHANCE, just a fucking chance. I couldn't get it. I fucking cancelled florida for that boy. And of course tonight he wants me to go see him because he's lonely? FUCK YOU, I have a trip to plan, I feel so fucking alone, one's dying, one dumped me, ones headed out, and one just wants in my pants. Which brings me to my next point my mother is going back to her house tomorrow, I also found out that she's doing volunteer work and getting thieved. Today was hard because I almost went to prison for murder. You have no idea how angry I was when I found this out. Yes her pot smoking boyfriend is a douche bag, yes he is a pussy, yes he thinks he's hott as mick jagger. But now he's fucking robbing her blind? dude. Some shit is about to blow. I can't tell you the anger and rage and hatred I have towards this man right now, but right now I am just trying to make it through the holiday season and hopefully when it's all over beating the shit out of him won't look as appealing. Also the bitching continues about prop 8, like I fucking care right now, stop sending me worthless fucking emails about blackballing companies, I'm sick of the childesh shit people pull when they're pissed. Whatever, get over it, new strategy please. So my lips are chapped as shit, and the other asshole only wants in my pants, nothing to do with my personality, or my smile, or anything else for that matter, just wants to fuck. Well I don't, thanks but I think I've been used enough lately. Really, thanks. It's flattering. Whatever. So after my mother, blackballing, work, sick friends, and assholes who dump me ish? yea. My hair which I died blonde...burnt...it looks really bad...like really really bad. whatever I don't give a shit, why? because I love it and that's all that matters. p.s. I'm still sick, and no I have not quit smoking nor do I intend to anytime soon. Funny, the earbuds I just bought don't fit. I hate everything right now, including myself, I hate the fact that this blog FUCKS UP MY TYPING BY SAVING A DRAFT EVERY TWO FUCKING SECONDS. I also hate the fact that everybody wants to call me and ask me about my away, and quit fucking blowing up my phone Nancy, I need some fucking time to myself. k? k. I also hate the fact that nothing I do can help carly, I hate the fact that I fucking live in allentown, and finally, last but not least I can't stand paula dean, she says ya'll every other word because people find it so cute? WTF. Also I have found a new maddening anger for dogs...I can't stand them anymore! IF ONLY ARSENIC WAS OTC.

so just because I'm moving to fucking florida?

pretty much, fuck this...I have alot to say, I'll be putting it all up here tomorrow, you can all just prepare for the world to end. it's quite the story...goodnight, TTYN

It's time to give it up.

I think I'm going to quit smoking. Maybe tomorrow.

Here's your future.

I will sing a song for you

I want someone to send me flowers.
Yes I do
Yes I do

And you will stomp your feet for me?




Jesus will dance while we drink his wine
soldiers and thieves and a sword in his side

Please chose logic...again

Somedays, I remember things I don't want to remember like walking down the hallways in my childhood church, colors, feelings, memories running through my head. Sometimes I wake up and think he's in the next room. Sometimes it just happens to be a great opportunity for a breakdown. Anyways as for my usual "thing to say" I had somebody scam me, and I won. I beat their stupid plan to make money off another person who doesn't pay attention to their credit slip, anyone who knows me knows I don't care about any of that shit. well it made it past my radar, for like a minute. And I called them and threatened them with a lawsuit and all is made right but I have to get a new card. God! I hate being incovenienced. Another problem I have, today is not the day okay, it hasn't been the day since I woke up this morning. Well I can't stand people who judge, even a little, because it's like, what right do you have? So anyways I had someone say to me "Your life is far from catastrohpe" I don't care if you think my life is perfect. Fuck you. I don't give a shit what anyone thinks of my life, I find my life to be one catastrophe after another. It's one big clusterfuck of shit. Most people who track this blog can say well yea greysons plumbing went to shit this morning, or he hit a deer yesterday. Everyday is something new. Like today I found out someone very close to me, who I love very much is very sick and dying. It's hard to imagine life without them. It's something I don't want to talk about, but for those of you who find my life better than what I make it...There's todays issue, now blow it out your ass, or keep reading. I don't care. Think about this, I'm 18 years old and I've lost more than you probably can fathom. I realize nobody has the perfect life and I know that I'm not the worst case scenario either but the fact is This blog is mine, to write about whatever the fuck I want and I want the respect from my readers that I don't get from therapists. I have had a million therapists tell me what my life is, trust me I've been analyzed. and analyzed. and analyzed. I don't need another therapist and I certainly don't need this shit. I'll continue to write I just don't know how much is going to be public. I'm never going to censor what I write I'm just going to do some thinking... I need some time....

In other news, I'll be working tonight, I spent the day with my co workers, her family, my family, hospital staff, and the plumber. I'll be working till two and travis is teasing the shit out of me. The problem is the fact that I have no idea what the fuck is happening in his head, and I just want to tell him what's up I just know it would be a bad idea. I wouldn't even know what to say. I really wouldn't, I like him so much, it's just confusing and of course the fill in won't quit texting me, apologizing and fighting with me because I told him I haven't done cocaine in a while. I guess after knowing someone for a month you get the right to get angry at them for past offenses. What the fuck? Like who's business is my life anymore? I feel like I have to have everything edited and re read before I send it over to the real world for more critisism where all my dreams await me

oh my oh my

And the plumbers are back.... I swear to God my life is completely comprised of plumbing horror stories, now that I think of it, in the last year Every place I've lived has had the worst plumbing in the world...minus Lohikan. At my place there I had like scalding water, which I love and My own water tank the size of the Atlantic. It was amazing, I never ran out of hot water, I could stay in the shower for days. And of course the plumbing here has sucked since day one. It's AWESOME. I'm also getting billed for random shit on my credit card. So I need to cancel that, because I can't cancel the charges. I think I was scammed somewhere down the line. Fuck my life people. So today is going to be a good day, I need to go get coffee and start my day.

And my dad says...

I have the worst fucking self conscious issues...I swear I feel like I'm drowning in my own judgement sometimes, and I mean it literally suffocates me sometimes, like when I go out, if I'm sober Sometimes I can hardly talk to people because I'm so anxious I make myself sick. And what's more? My reasoning is ridiculous and I know it. It makes me sad. It really does. I just want a hug.

We always knew you were a winner

i deleted everything in this post...cause it was mean and rude and uncalled for, and yea.

Mama, Mama, Mama
Shanti Shanti and Om
I think he takes out on me
What he wants to take out on you
Mama, Mama, Mama
How I wish you were home
Please let me say it
One time louder

again...

by the way did i mention that i grazed a sign post this morning pulling out of my driveway today. FML

NOT TODAY!

I do not have the time nor the energy for this today, of all days my morning could suck, today is not the day... here's today's story. I get up early, go to the God damn dmv, and once again I'm greeted with snarkyness. I go in, and head to the "service" desk, where I'm told that I have to have a piece of mail with me in order to change my address on my license. There's a fifteen day period in which you have to change your addy well it takes 30 days for your mail to completely switch, I don't get bills, soooo.... So the guy says to me, with of course the dmv holier than thou attitude which they all recieve in training, like their God's gift to the world for working at the fucking dmv. Okay so he says to me, I don't know what to tell you, gee thanks asshole. So I leave and come back with a ups box I ordered a catalog in. I said can I pay for this with cash or debit? No. Only money order or check, well seeing that I don't use checks I'm not going to get a money order to have my license switched, I told him I'm not going to do it, I'm just going to ignore it. He reminded me of the consequences, jail. To which I replied. "Go to hell. You can't have me arrested if you don't know my address." Yea I'm trying to avoid leaving a paper trail, by changing my fucking address on my license. jesus christ. like what are the prerequisites for working at the dmv. 1. Must be able to huff 1 quart of paint 2. Must be able to not crack under pressure 3. Must have a creative mind, for strategies on inconviencing people. LIKE WTF. FML to the max, I'm so sick of the dmv, fuck it, if the cops show up at house, which they won't cause they don't know my addy but if they do, I'll say whatever call up kevin, don't say I didn't try. Or I'll just deny it. They can't prove I'm greyson, I'm obviously not at 409 s west coudy. So they can all go to hell. And of couse it's 1100am and I'm dealing with the usual bullshit drama.... The woman upstairs is going to the er, again, this time for possible pneumonia. I'm so tired of the bullshit...Please save your greivances, please just not today. NOT FUCKING TODAY.

Say hello to all the boys on top of this table that you're under.

I've been making new plans
It's how I get by
And this is sorry for the last time

Romeo take me somewhere we can be alone
I'll be waiting all there's left to do is run

So I sneak out to the garden to see you
we keep quiet because we're dead if they knew
So close your eyes
Escape this town for a little while

But you were everything to me
I was begging you please don't go, and I said

Oh why can't you be, like my my waterpik shower massager
A sweet reliable machine.


I'm so dizzy, and sick and disoriented. It's ridiculous, I don't even know. So it's 330am and I'm blogging, jesus christ. By the way the lyrics are mayday parade taylor swift and 3eb. They're all the songs stuck in my head...ughhhh. I'm so tired, I think I'm going to try sleep again. I feel neurotic. Again.

And today I have thirty days, today is december 1irst

I can't think of one real thing to day
Why can't these meds be any damn good.

By the way, I'm out of the coma, kind of.
One thing you should all know, is I don't hold back. So here it goes. Adjusting the pillows it what really kills me, I can never seem to get comfortable these days. Love you. So it's been a long day and it's only 2:57, This morning I got up and helped bring Bitch #1 back home. It was such a good time. She's already fighting with her son. Shoot me in the face, she's such a bitch. So anyways, today was hard because I'm beginning to realize more and more how much money matters, and how shitty it can make life. It's a constant struggle and it pisses me off more and more each day. The more I struggle for money the more tempted I am to go buy some cheap ass pharmaceuticals and get this shit over with. I could end it all, any day. There are days when I wake up and think. What the fuck is stopping me? Why the fuck did I have to wake up again today, why am I alive to see another shitty day. And then I get the call "Are you coming into work today?" And I go outside, smoke a cigarette, take my first deep breath, deep drag, deep water and start my day. It's cycle. So My mother took the liberty today to call dentists in this area and find me a local dentist. I know!!! How touching. She wants me to call today and make an appointment, however I don't find myself ready to do that. I'd rather have a beer. I haven't been to the dentist in forever and I don't plan on seeing one anytime soon. Dentist = need for therapy, and they can all lick my balls. I also have been avoiding therapy. I don't care. My mom is currently on the phone with the fucking dentist's office, this would be the reason I want fucking out of this shit. I don't want to go the fucking dentist, I'm sick of being told, stand in line and single file, wait right here, and write this list. Seriously I'm so sick of being told what to do, when to do it, how to finish it, and why. It doesn't matter to me. I just want to do whatever the hell it is I want to do, I don't care if it's just what's on my mind. This is completely the reason I moved out in the first place, I realize I probably need to go to the dentist, that doesn't mean I should. I want cosmetic I really honestly could not give a shit of care to the health of my teeth. I really don't care if I have cavities, let them rot, and let me burn in hell. Really. It's what I want. So yesterday I agreed to go to dinner or lunch or whatever you want to call it, well we ended up going to wegmans, and I got sick and didn't want to eat. Reason being, there was a group of guys there who were bothering the shit out of me, They were all like businessey jocks who played high school basketball, and football I'm sure that's how they became friends, soon after they all attended the same college and majorred in sleeping around, with partying and a double major in drinking. I hate guys. Period. So I couldn't handle it, I felt completely out of place and unable to deal with it, so I didn't eat. Couldn't smoke cause we were spending quality time bitching together, it was amazing. Mom freaked out, and all I wanted was to scream my fucking head off. So we went to the mall and once again, wasn't hungry, wanted to go home, but we shopped and went home. No big deal. Right now, I just want a cigarette and I'm sick of listening to glenns shitty christman piano ballads, they make me want to burn something to the ground. No lie, and after burning something slice my wrists and die in the snow, that sounds so russian slash emo slash ridiculous slightly homicidal slash my bloody wrists. God I hate my life for real. And now my laptop is fucking up. So anyways the few days that I had to myself were nice, I just need a break sometimes. And I'm sick of people telling me to fucking pay the bill when I tell them my phones off for a couple days, I pay my FUCKING BILL ON TIME. Sorry this thing ended up so angry but for real some days I just need a break before I scream. In all honesty I don't know how much more of this I can take, I really don't. I'm sick of the unsurity I'm sick of the insecurity, I'm sick of always wondering and always freaking out in my head about something new, I'm just sick of all of it. I need some more crystal baller and 20 more milligrams of xanax.
P.s. The plumber did not come today, probably tomorrow and the electricty and plumbing are all fucked up beyond reason. Sorry about all of it. Just deal.


My grievances
I can't stand the bitch upstairs
I can't stand this fucking music
The plumbing is fucked up
So is the electricity
I'm tired
I'm still sick
I don't want to go the God damned doctor/oncologist/dentist/shrink
Everything smells like pier 1
and It's too damn hot in my apt.
All I want is a cigarette and to stop crying...Whatever I'll move on

In a coma

I'm in a coma for a couple days...don't try to reach me. I'm unavailable. I'll be laying on the couch. The cell phone is off, I'm not using aim, I'm not replying to anything. I just need some time to myself. Okay? I'll be fine in a couple days.

It's so simple

Somedays I have time for all the worlds problems, and my phone is always on, my arms are always open. Hugs everywhere. Today however is not one of those days, today I cannot handle anyone's problems, today I cannot even handle my own. If anyone feels so burdened, please just give me a hug. I just really need a hug.

The night the shit took over.

Just to prove that my days are never bland Let me tell you a little story that is just another example of how my life is never bland. ever. So it's midnight when I walk upstairs to grab a bite to eat and I hear my name being yelled from the bathroom. Of course it's the elderly woman who lives upstairs, she happens to be stuck on the toilet. which is not unusual so I go to the bathroom and open the door and to my horror there is fecal matter...everywhere. All over the floor, the bathtub, the wall, the toilet, her legs, and hands. all covered in shit. so I just take a deep breath asses the situation and devise a plan, this took me 20 minutes I'm not good with critical shit thinking. I swear to god I wasn't born for geriatrics I have always said this. I will continue to stick to it. So I throw some towels down and get her into the bathtub, I give her a bath clean her, every inch of her, to sparkling level, by the time I was done with her, I would've eaten meat off her thighs. So she was clean, I got her into fresh clean clothes with fresh towels, everything was warm and fresh and nice and I walk out grab my food go downstairs to eat before I tackle the bathroom. I hadn't even finished my food, which I don't eat like 2 pizzas with 4 orders of chinese, like ten minutes maybe and She is screaming my name again, I go upstairs. I find her in the bathroom again, there is shit on her bedroom floor, her, the bathroom floor x2 this time, and pretty much everything is covered again. So... I move on to help her and I tell her I want to call an ambulance because the amount of shit is so copious I should say, we could probably clog Chicago's plumbing system, there was enough there to fertilize texas, 2x. So anyways I tried to get her to agree to let me call an ambulance, eventually she let me call. It was fabo. so I called and the 911 dispatcher gave it to me straight, the ambulance arrived around the time we got her situated on the couch. She's off to the ER. I stay behind take a quick shower, grab some clothes and head off to the er where the nurse gives me the third degree because I didn't put pants on her before we left the house, well I'm sorry they were all full of shit. Fuck the ER it's such a waste of time, so they blamed it on constipation, and said it was because she's old. Really? Go figure she's fucking 78 so then they didn't give her anything to stop it but they did put a crew together who wheeled her out in a wheelchair. It was the LEAST they could do. Sooo she tells me, she felt as though she was going to shit, no big deal she's wrapped in blankets. We stop at a local conveniece chain and get some ben and jerry's ice cream. We got back, and the second she got out of my car she shit her pants, she also shit all over the bathroom again. Which hadn't been clean from the start. I didn't have time. The nurse at the er wanted to like nail me for elder abuse because I wasn't keeping everything like it should be well fuck her, I'm the best caregiver in the world, I'll clean it when I get a chance. So anyways she finally got out of the bathroom into clean clothing again. We have been sitting here for 20 minutes just eating ice cream and talking about whatever comes to mind. It's been nice it really has, there are candles lit in the bathroom. It's just waiting for me, covered in shit calling my name, I swear to god this is some sort of punishment. She just informed me she has to go again. Life is beautiful. I can't complain, atleast I'm the one cleaning it, and not pushing it. I feel like sometimes I take my life for granted, as difficult as it may be and as hard as it is somedays I always remember, there's someone who has it worse, and they would love to be in my shoes, away from their worries and their pain. But for now I will just walk along, bitch and moan about the fact that karma has frowned on my life tonight, and that's okay because for every shitload I clean up another fucker is getting some payback...I need to go do laundry I've used a couple hundred towels tonight.

I feel you tumbling down.
Into that empty room
The lights went out.


This is by far the most depressing season ever. I don't think I've ever been this unhappy. I have to relocate. Why? Because my apartment has a water issue and I'm pretty sure there's mold in the walls, I'm sick from all of it, and I have to relocate...Doesn't that just suck? Yea and I was told this when I stepped into a pool of water this morning. As I sat with the two old bags this morning and two people I care a hell of alot about I realized; this isn't thanksgiving. Every other thanksgiving I've ever had, I was healthy, We were always laughing and there was always a story to be told. This thanksgiving was silent. There was nothing to say, it was the most depressing holiday I've ever experienced. I feel so alone.

The weight of the world on my shoulders and your ice cold hands.

I know, I can't stop writing.

I scrape my knuckles against a wall,
a door post
I don't even flinch
why is this all crashing down at once?
the Niagra will fall inside of me
as if it's been building and hiding in some unknown safe
all of the sudden
someone has profained my door
my precious wood grain
what an offense to make
offended? yes I am
to profaine my very living quarters
and break the combination
into my empty safe
That's now been emptied
my home ransacked
as if anyone has the right to send a tornado to my living room
this is my space
my air
my time
my life
get the fuck out
get the fuck out of my way
I'm so tired of being ruined
and broken down
just to feel for 5 minutes the sanity that's lost in seconds
I'm so empty.
I feel myself crashing into the empty world
I need a rescue, I scream out loud
I'm broken down
I need a savior
yet I know deep inside
nobody will ever come to my rescue
because my attacker was nice enough to close and lock the door for me
at one point I felt so fulfilled
I felt sane
now I know it was nothing but a lie.
the lights in this wretched house enrage me
this entire house is a disappointment. trust me I know a good disappointment when I see one
I am one.


nobody can even begin to understand the weight I'm carrying on my shoulders.
I've dealt with drugs, dysfunction, disgrace, humiliation, abuse, abandonment, and cold shoulders all my life. If you dare think you can understand any of this bullshit, by all means be my guest, In someone else's home. Not mine. I've got way too much past for you to read into, like you fucking know me, as if you know what's going on in my mind. I'll tell you my thoughts, when I see you, anyone, everyone. I pick out every flaw I can personal or superficial because it makes me feel better about myself. Sometimes I stare at someones huge nose, or secretly poke fun at the fact that their mother was just arrested on a coke possesion charge. It breaks my heart, and I do feel guilty, but I can cut later for my own shortcomings, right now in the moment, I'll poke fun, and cruelty at yours. I just want a life ring, some sort of flotation device, a dingy, anything. I just want to above water one last time, one last breath. before I drift, sink and drop like an anchor into this sea, of what I've never seen. I'm about to experience, the reason, we don't go "under". Yes I wrote that line so it wouldn't make sense to anyone but me, and the funny thing is, it doesn't nothing, none of this shit makes sense. none. none at all. it's all nonsense, and I hate it all. I don't even know what to say anymore, I'm sick of being cold. Please just throw me a liferaft without advice attached to the pricetag, I'm a bargain shopper, and thank you but I'll pass. The things going on in my life right now, are frankly none of your business I don't give a fuck who you are, I put the things in this blog that I do for a reason. Once again never said it made sense. I write on here to get things out, maybe open your mind, maybe shut it, because you're a fucking idiot I don't know why. Sometimes I honestly read this shit and I literally say out loud what the fuck? It's true so leave me the fuck alone right now. I need to be alone right now. I hate potheads, and I hate being told how the hell to live my life, seriously, loosen up the jeans, fucking leave me alone, and live your life, while I live mine, however I choose to lead it.

trust in this

This stumbling drunk feeling has got to end, you know it's not a phase.

We all know, this isn't what I want.

currently listening to Leona Naess ballerina

I hate mornings. I hate holidays even more. Right now these two have blended together to give me my own little piece of spiced hell. Blogging from the front steps of my porch in northampton. Hoods up, this crying thing is so over rated. I haven't slept in three to four days, I've quit paying attention. I'm so tired, yet I can't sleep, I'm fine yet I can't stop crying. I'm freezing, yet I don't shiver, and I'm bleeding but I can't feel a thing. I need to go. When everything blends together, like darkness and the ever growing feeling of alone, the only light in this empty world is change. I need it yet I hate it, I can't live without it, yet it's suffocating me, one layer at a time. I'm sick of break downs, tears, love songs, sad songs, music, television, cold showers, waking up, cigarette breaks, bitching, break time, hustling, brokenness, breaking hearts, breaking my own, falso hope, smokes, an endless supply of empty wallets, and cigarette cartons, emptiness. It's time for me to take my final bow, this show is over. Don't even lie from the first number you knew it was a sure flop. And I knew I was sure to fail...we all did.

I'm forging ahead, but I get dragged back everytime.

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Goodnight world Good morning cocaine

This blog is the insight into my personal life. Nobody sees through this eye on a regular basis, sometimes I write stuff on here that I have trouble telling myself. And tonight is one of those nights

I never admit to being on edge. I hide the weak spots in the floors of my life pretty well.
or so I think I do. Well I'm on edge. I can't take it.

Sometimes the world around me just hits me like a ton of bricks, I tell everyone I wear my emotions on my sleeve I'm a hundred percent honest about what I think and I always speak my mind. Well life fucking slapped me in the face tonight. This is what I know.

My home was stolen from me, as was a chance for a father. I never said I was ungrateful this is just the truth. I can't trust anybody because so many people lie to me, just to get me through the mornings. I can't wake up to an alarm clock. I think in the back of my mind, I don't want to wake up at all. I'm used to dreading the public, and the day. I love airports because it makes me feel like I'm leaving everything behind. I wake up every morning and debate in the shower, taking my money, cutting my losses, and running away. I wish I could just leave everything behind. And just go. I hate my life, I've had alot stolen from me, My home, my high school years, my school spirit, my spirit, my smile, my self confidence, my nights with people I love, my life. I'm without time, I'm without friends, I'm without time to spend alone with anyone. I'm so stressed my eyes have been constantly bloodshot for days, people keep asking me whats wrong because I look like I'm always crying. Well here's something you didn't know, I'm on the edge of a breakdown, I'm fighting back the sobs every second of every day, and I have been for quite some time now. I had to put down the razor this week, and I almost picked it back up. Instead I sat here, smoked, and re-evaluated my life. This shit aint popping anymore. I've been in the car with the keys in my hand and a 20 in my pocket more than a handful of times this week. It's not that far to get to downtown. I've gone driving to nowhere on numerous occasions this month. with everything I needed in my car with me. I've been sober for all of this. I want to get drug tested just so I can feel some sense of pride. That I didn't buckle under the pressure, the sad thing is, I'm so confused I don't know If I would pass, I don't know which way is up and I've come close to crashing my car atleast 10 times this week alone. It's tuesday. What does that say about me. I can't concentrate on anything but anger, and I'm stuck in a rut. It's as if the world has come crashing down, and everyone is running but me. I feel like there's greater opportunities out there for me. And for some reason it's like I know there's not. I've applied for jobs on cruise lines, airplanes, theme parks, and the bahamas. I want fucking out of here, I'm sick of all the bullshit. I'm ready to run away. If you don't hear from me for a couple weeks, ask around make sure I'm not dead, then give up. If I leave and I don't tell you there's a reason, so please don't get your hopes up.


No I don't want your shitty teenage advice, you haven't been there. If you want to give me advice I'll trade you a pair of shoes, if you're still alive after 2 days feel free to give me advice.
I don't want your stupid recipes for teas that "chill you out" I couldn't care less about tea right now.
I'm getting a tattoo I don't want good ideas, or what yours is of, or your mothers or why you got them.
Until you've seen the world through my eyes, you'll never understand. One thing I hope you can understand is that I don't want commentary on this blog from anybody and I mean anybody.
Commentary is just another word for judgement.
The only person who can feel free to call me out, or mention this blog to me, carly Jo, the floor is yours. The rest of you can stay the fuck away. Thanks for reading, sorry it's so depressing, mean, and angry but I don't need to justify my actions to you or anyone, justification is pathetic. And I'm not a cop out...Goodnight.

FML x3

the only benefit to insomnia is after the first month you could recite infomercials in your sleep. But you can't be cause you don't. the only benefit to the sleep deprivation is the loss of weight and the constant floating feeling, sometimes when I drive it's like I have no control, everything is so bright and beautiful, and slow and relaxed, the next thing I know I'm slamming on the brakes because I didn't realize everyone had stopped. hooray for decreased reaction speed. Life is so fucking good. Eat your heart out.

hoola hoopers kthxbi

I need a hoola hoop, and I won't rest until I get one. So join me in my quest to get a hoola hoop, because I have to work tmr. KTHXBI

oh ma gah

Okay so I have an opinion, you all know what that means...it's time to blog.
It's 803 in the morning so please bear with me while I discuss this tragedy with you.
If you have to go on reality television to find a date, there's a problem. Maybe it's herpes. I don't know the reasoning behind these ratings but I'm currently watching the date my mom with the crazy mom who makes up the song for the gay guy, and it's just really awkward for the whole episode. Plus her son is fat and has like bleached hair...right! So I don't understand how someone gets so desperate they apply for these things. I would think you would just do it for fun but apparently that's not the true reason for all of this. I find it sad that courtship is dead, no longer can Henry and samuel go steady, actually I don't know if they were ever allowed to go steady but either way, there's no going steady anymore. It's sex on the first date without a condom in a second hand bed with a second class citizen, who's B.A.C. is 4.32. yes kids sex on the first date is lethal. The point is. it's all about rushing around the relationship 1,2,3,4, dating has gone out the door 5.6.7.8. sex can wait masturbate. I hate reality tv. I hate MTV it's supposed to be music television, and it's nothing but stupid 21 to 25 and the occasional old bag getting drunk and going after some black guy with aspergers, or random college drop outs "working" for some rap superstar who knows his career should be over and the only reason he's still succeeding is because he endorsed a starving children of russianugandadarfur campaign on trl when it had music 6 years ago. I hate tv, I can't stand any of it. bring on the weeds, bring on the medical horror shows, and jeapardy at 5 o'clock. We all have our secrets, mine is I'm in love with jeapardy. So needless to say I despise television today, along with anyone who chooses to give in to this ridiculous programming they call entertainment. I am serious this shit is BAD. it's 815 in the am, I'm sorry but I can't control myself this early

Yours truly, someone else.

The world finds me to be fake. And I am. If you're a friend of mine, I've probably lied to you, over and over and over again. I see myself in the mirror as the biggest fake alive. I'm such a liar. The funny thing is I tell people the biggest lies but because of the history I've built for myself some of my lies seem completely rational. I don't care who finds me fake, I really could not care less who finds me to be a liar. I find myself to be a liar. I find myself to be the king in some imaginary empire of lies. I would consider myself a complete jerk, why should I care about anyone elses opinion of me, my opinion of myself is shitty enough. So tell me, what do you think of me? Do you find me to be a complete imbisal? Do you find me to be fake? When somebody says to me "I think you're an honest real guy" I realize they're lying through their teeth. I find it funny that people can lie to me, yet I can see straight through it. I'm such an asshole. But I don't care, why admit to a terrible past and an embarassing present when I can't just make up random shit, and prove that I can be anything I want to be. More like I can be whatever the hell I want to be percieved as being. I can make up any sort of story I want and if you believe it, I'm suddenly a brand new person, who has no idea who greyson van pelt is, nor does he care. If you find this disturbing, go ahead and find it unsettling, see if it affects me. I'll do what I need to, and I'll say what I feel, If you don't like the person I wrote myself to be, then all I have to do is move on, move up, regroup, and move on. It's not like it has any affect on the cycle. So yes I am fake, I lie to everyone. EVERY friend, aquaintence, and enemy I have. I'm a liar. And I don't care. Sue me if you don't like it.

I'll interrupt your lifestyle
Your free style
Your fake style
I'll ruin your cigarette break
Your day
Your peaceful sea of fake

You's a ho. I'm working tonight OMGGGG I'm so tired you have no Idea I miss my Carly Jo, no worries I'll be home soon enough car car. We're getting matching peace sign tattoos I think I'm going to draw my own one up this time so I have like my own artwork on my body, ps I never called meeca back, IDK why but she called me and I never returned that call. Well did you ever really want it at all, ps self righteous by third eye blind and why can't you be are my new favorite songs. Everybody go listen to the new ep it's on their website and I'm all about it...Plus+Plus+Plus+ My ink is on their blog and it will soon be on their website I'm so excited yay. Anyways I actually need to do my job I think I'll be on later, plus I'm online, the cells on..... FIND ME.

wtf suck me off is so dead

Tommy - I'm sick of the constant hot and cold, seriously mellow out somewhere in the tradewinds

Amanda - I'm so sick of your little narcisistic comments, like i fucking care, I know why can't I be like your waterpik shower massager. I'm still a diamond in the rough. And I'm sick of the, well i found a new GAY BFF thing, so the fuck what. tell the fairy i said hi. hello what else is new? you've always have some fag by your side, and if you think i'm reffering to me...think again he's engaged and hiding in the walk in...get the hint? figure out what you want, i'm sick of your shit, and send me every cloud and storm you have, nothings going to stop the waves from crashing....mmmkay

Travis - please just tell me, is it yes or is it no? I hate trying to read you but I love it because everyone else has always been so easy I love a good mystery. I put my life on hold for you kinda. And for what? A single kiss in a parking lot? I want more I want it all I want all of you, the bad and fucked up parts too.

Carly - you're wayyyy better than amanda....haha I love you i'd die without you, and Someday amanda will find out i wrote this and think it's a threat and save it on her computer because she does awesome stuff like that...yay friendship tattoos, we can show her and she can be jealous....ode to immaturity. I love you.

I'm sorry bout all this but it's 6am and I needed to rant my ass off, now that I've achieved my dream I can go on with life. Time for sleep goodnight world.

Greyson's guide to slurring your speech

I am so exhausted. I don't even have the energy to blog but I had to make that title...I need sex, I think I'll get sex tmr. I think I need a cigarette, I think I'll get a cigarette, tmr. I'm too exhausted to even smoke. I just ate a sandwich now I'm eating a huge bowl of pasta. I'm such a waste of space, I'm like the broken desk chair that nobody sits in but leaves in the corner because getting rid of things is only a joy when that thing is an ex boy friend who happens to be a ho. Bitch you don't know me. I want to fuck a cowboy. Yes I do. it turns me on just thinking about it...bitches it's bed time. I wish it wasn't but at 530 wtf else is there...goodnight world.

And ps ps ps me and travis are talking again, I totally lied and told him i cancelled florida. I also told carly that i did, but in all reality, i have NO FUCKING CLUE WTF I'M DOING WITH MY LIFE RIGHT NOW, OR EVER. I just want to fuck a cowboy so get the fuck off my back and get out of my way, I'm going to go find me a strapping man with a lasso and a horse. :)

Oh what a life.

So I haven't blogged in two days...ick I know. I'm applying for every mtv casting call there is. Everything's a dating show these days, and God himself knows, boy I DO NOT LOVE NEW YORK, or real or chance or daisy or any of those other slut bags but I do love sharon. WtF it just keeps getting better. it's 430 am and I'm exhausted I need sleep, because I have to get up and clean tmr. So goodnight world you should all go listen to julia nunes while I go smoke another cigarette. What are you going to do repeal my rights? Please!

You with the sad eyes. Don't be discouraged.

So...My breath of fresh air everyday is a cigarette break. I'm quitting. Today, I'm sure. It's official I've been up for 24 hours, not something I'm all that proud of. Ugh...I'm so sick of this, I need to get another job, I'm always out of cash. Ughhhhh. Anyways So tonight I've been watching ESPN, I've been watching college hoops for like 7 hrs something about Hawaii, A tight end, 4am eastern and overtime. Sounds like a good time to me. I'll bring the booze :) So, I think I'm going to eat more pineapple. I'm so tired and I need caffeine but there's no coffee in this house and I am not driving 15 minutes for a shitty day old brew. That sounds like a good song title "Day Old Brew" don't lie you're an itunes whore. I hate itunes but seriously who doesn't spend their paycheck on that shitty knockoff of napster these days. I don't. I refuse to. The darkness inside you can make you feel so small, I see your true colors shining through. I'm pretty sure that song was written with the image of two guys going at it as inspiration, I don;t see how that makes true colors beautiful but whatever, I now get two bars of cellular service on my couch, and that makes me happy. I'm so exhausted and I technically work till 2am tmr. Ugh. I can't even handle this. p.s. I scratched one of the ambulances and I have to tell my boss tmr cause it's so obvious.., I'm too lazy to upload the foto. I need sleep so I'm going to get pineapple cause it's been proven it increases stamina and energy and thats exactly what I would need If I was having a sleepover. whatever. same thing.

LOVE = LOVE

This is pride at it's greatest.
Today as a community, we changed history.
We showed america we're not just a minority, we are a people.
Who Vote
Who Pay Taxes
Who live breathe and shop at the same grocery stores you do
Who Love.
Today was a new day, a day of change, a day of action, and certainly a day of enjoying our freedoms to protest out beliefs and our rights.
Today was a day of national protest for GLBTQ to fight against the banning of us expressing our rights. I find it amazing. We are no longer asking or begging for any rights that already belong to us, the insults are over. Todays a New Day! We will have our rights. WE DEMAND THEM!
AND I'M DEMANDING MINE!
p.s. these pictures are not mine And I'm certainly not intending any infringement of copyright... they're from people in fresno, kentucky, alaska, iowa, memphis, texas, NYC, washington, and pretty much any other city that stood together today and yesterday for this great cause. We Live In A Great Nation, it's time we started proving it's greatness!




This is unity, for something so much greater than marriage but for equality.

LOVE IS LOVE...plain english.

We're not begging...We're demanding!





It's called EQUALITY and it's all we want.




Yes! They even held press conferences. See what kind of a difference we're making in america??
Freaking right, we told em.

Everyone deserves an opinion.....even if it is discrimination. It's cool hate us all we want, Like where are we going to go?





How dare you think we'd go down without a fight.

today = protest day

so today's the day...I wanna get married. I'll post a blog hopefully with pictures later today but idk. I'm sure it will be awesome and be sure and text me! for sure

protect the sanctity of marriage NOH8

Tomorrow I'm going to do my part and protect the sanctity of marriage...I'm going to the rally here in Allentown against prop 8...so let's stop the h8!

uh oh hot dog!

coffee and smokes....over and over and over again.

wouldn't it be nice? to say hello to a stranger?...I said I don't get no sleep till I get him off my mind...

I'm depressed again...
Oh And I'm upset about just about everything.
I hate falling under.
It's like when you're at the beach and you just want to catch a quick breath...
But thats always when the biggest wave you've seen all day steals it.
and you're capsized...it sucks...I know.
But right now I don't have time for sadness cause I have to get ready for work...and go buy coffee and smokes.

BOO.

:)
tell me are you alive?

ps I think erik rhodes the porn star is an awesome guy underneath it all. for real I think there's so much under the surface and I'd bet my life savings that underneath he's really a great caring guy who hates having his heart broken just as much as anyone else. I don't know why everyone thinks he's so cold.

omg. why.

okay so I just saw a video of a rent production at a nationally respected musical theatre school. and mark was asian....for reals? what is this world coming too. OMG

I wouldn't make that up :)

the army advancement fund, because soldiers deserve so much more. yeaaaa and they're like more specialerer and we should pay them wayyyy more cause being a soldier makes you way better than a civilian. we're like scum. ps soldiers are the exact same species as civilians, crazy right? and it doesn't change ones worth if they're a soldier. It's very honorable and it does deserve a hug, it takes a special person to fight for a country. I just don't see what the big fuss about it is. people thing soldiers in the army are like superhuman and I find it amusing and upsetting because by them going into schools recruiting at such young ages, alot of young men and women might already have an issue with self confidence, it doesn't help. remember there's no difference between you and lt. so and so or captain whatever. they will all try to give you the yes there is dignity loyalty honor respect, service to my country yada yada yada, dude, really? you can still have all those qualities. Like personally I'l loyal, love to take long walks on the beach, dignified, respected..woah...and I love to service my man, so see? you don't have to be a soldier to be worth something to people. Am I right? Of course I am :)

sooo...

So today I'm going to start working on my book...
I think I'm going to call it:
I'm Gay...A coming out story, everyday is a new door.

I was never hiding in any closet, I promise I wasn't. It's going to be stories and tales of how I came out, how people reacted, and the penalties and consequences I faced. I'm ready to face the world with the biggest coming out ever. I'm going paperback bitch! Get ready.

are you ready for this?

I know I don't need your blessing...can't I just be?
Okay so today was long I got up 8 hours ago, it's 3am. and yes I'm exhausted. What a day :) So I'm just lying here on my couch and I'm tired as hell. But not sleepy...ewww I have work tmr and my mom is waking me up in 5 hours but seeing that for the past two days all I've done is drink and sleep I think I'll be okay. I'm pretty sure I've made up my sleep debt. I'm sick of being sick. Why am I doing nothing but complaining? I went to work today and chilled out with my bosses for a little bit, we always have a good time and honestly it's the only time I can ever say that I've straight up just hung out with my bosses. Is that wierd? whatever. and I miss my BFF carly jo, whom I became business partners with tonight. we'll call it G&C inc. it'll be beautiful btw for those of you who have no common sense and can't tell sky from grass that means grey and carly inc. it'll be amazing. we're currently working on a product to be launched in the spring you can all be jealous when we're millionaires and making tons of money by sitting on our asses. yupper. it's a good time so anyways we had some nice long talks tonight. I'm listening to rufus wainwright and it's making me want to smoke..is that wierd??? p.s. I told my mom about this mystery product we're launching and she laughed in my face and said...no...I don't like it. It's bound for success. I'm so exhausted, I'm going to go smoke a cigarette and go to bed. I'll write more from work which happens to be in 11 hrs not even...oh god. Just think I'll never have to pull shifts like this again ever...by next fall. I think it's officially winter, and anyone who disagrees with me will be made fun of by my new kitten, which I will find and teach to make fun of you...because I can. This song is messed up major...goodnight

p.s.

I have an amazing family, I have a family who calls me baby boy, I have a family who loves me for who I am, I have a family built on truth, I have a family built on Gods great promise, I have a family of support, I have a family. My last name sounds a little something like Van Pelt, not bailey. There's a good reason for that. I am the descendant of Hal & Sue Porter. I am the son of Lori Porter. I have three amazing brothers, a loving mother, and grandparents who couldn't care less what I do with my life, they'd support me in anything! I also have an extended family who has never come even close to short of superior. Everyone has always welcomed me into everything with open arms, why? Because THEY ARE MY FAMILY. I don't need any more families to put a smile on my face. Trust, I don't need or have ever wanted anything more. My family has always supplied me with grace, and love, and honesty, and an unconditional acceptance, that no matter who my mother, or father :) or brothers or stepfather were, They still loved me. and the funny thing is after everything I've personally put them through they still DO LOVE ME. and that's why I don't need another family because there's nothing some new family that I've lived without for 18 years could tell me or give me or help me out with that I don't already have. I can still look amazing walking down Baltimore avenue in the heart of the city with a smile on my face and yes I could do it in heels or in the rain possibly both. Someday you'll all realize why I'm so pretty, because my bloodline lacked alot :) it's a real shame. I'm so pretty. I don't have a past to hide, or even a past that embarrasses me, I have a past that's heartbreaking and a testimony of the fact that I'm invincible...bring it on bitches.



p.s. I know you wish you were this pretty

Be sure your sins will find you out.

Trust me, I will make this famous… Every ounce of hatred in your soulless body, every plan that originated from your heartless chest, and every emotion you allowed to be seen, you broke it free of every chain inside of you, those chains have a name. Hypocrisy. In your eyes there is a language barrier between past and present and you have no remorse for anything that happened when things were so “Good”. You’re scum. Plain and simple, you’re scum, and I will have nothing to do with you. My blood pressure’s high, it’s so very high. Because the haunting of my past have been let loose in the form of you, you’ve tried so many times to steal so much from me, my future, my dignity, my life. Well it won’t haunt me anymore and be prepared to be scared. All the things that went on way back when have all stayed in way back when…until now, they’re starting to suddenly surface like a million bubbles churning in the sea. They all begin to surface at once, without knowledge of how and where they came from… Tell me does this hurt you, the reminiscing of times when you were cruel as the devil, and as I well can see, you still are. Still the same girl who stole from, lied about, and abused children and other human beings. Helpless children. Tell me how do you live with yourself? How do you have a child of your own? Tell me, was it different? Did you starve him? Did you hurt him? Did you damage his mental health? Did you break his heart? Have you ever done anything and everything in your power just to see him suffer? I’ll bet you haven’t. Damn! What a great mom! How awesome you truly are. Does he know what you’ve done? Does he have any idea of the things you did when you were his age, and older? I’ll bet he has no idea that his own mother, he’s so close with a monster is he? The fact of the matter is you’ve broken my heart, but I have plenty of bandages. You completely fooled me, twice, with the truth just around the corner, I thought it was impossible. I’m a hard one to fool and an even harder one to hide the truth from, but I must say you’re a damn good liar, and an even better homicidal antagonist. It’s a shame you suck at murder. Cause you never got away. Well be sure your sins will find you out sweet sister, tears, heartache, sleepless, restless nights, and My face to haunt your memory. I hope you’ll remember this forever and I’ll pray that you get right… This is the end of me and you…

thank you caroline.

A friend is the one who comes in when the whole world has gone out.
Okay so my last blog was a little nasty and forefront angry but honestly, right now I'm on the edge of a nervous breakdown. I have a feeling it's going to hit at the worst time too, like in the middle of Walmart.
It's that feeling before the cry
it's the sob before the sigh
Could I be any clearer with this? This is exactly how I feel and yes I wrote it. I'm so angry at myself for opening up the past. For real. If only I knew then what I do now. The some things that the some people did, and the some things they're still doing. Disgust me in the worst sense of the world. I'm so angered by it...I could just break. anything. everything. I just feel as though I've broken her heart, and in the process banged up my own. I should've let it be. I should've left well enough alone. But I couldn't and someday I'll get my answer but I don't want her to be in pain anymore and I think right now that's my biggest issue, I want happiness for her before I will ever be truly happy. And that's my biggest challenge...money truly can't buy, find, or even begin to search for happiness neither can a brand new loveseat, or a dog...only people can find happines...idk though my dogs pretty happy just to chill around...Someday we're going to find it cause I'm invincible and trust hunny girl....so is she.

Broken hearts teary eyes and pounds and pounds of regret...Eat your way to hell.

Trust me I can walk down Baltimore avenue with a smile and forget you...
I can pretend as though you never existed...
I never needed you before, and I certainly don't need your psychotic homicidal maniac tendencies now. Trust in this, I never needed a father, I never had one, I will never have one. I'm still pretty despite it all, and all along I moved along, without any of this, without knowing who they were, or what they were, or why they were, and all of the sudden...I'm okay with that. Of course I'm fucking okay, I always have been fucking okay, nobody will stand in my way of happiness. I don't need to know his face, his name, age, race, religion, or status as a human being. And I couldn't give a shit about wherever the fuck he was buried...He'll stay there and I'll move on, tis pity, But I'm stronger than this storm. I will be the one to stand on the bow and scream at the angry clouds that blow black and the squeeling rain that hisses in my ear and the wind that whistles through crevices which make me. I will be the one to break the lightning with the bow of my own anger. This is my fucking ship and no storm, no angry ocean, no wind, and certainly you, will never conquer me. you've seen that I'm invicible bitch I'm still here, and I'm coming, cause I'm on the prowl, just hold your head steady, go ahead take a bow...you're done. this show has now been ended AND SCENE is all I have to say. Listen you little fucked up psycho with no real basis for emotion, you couldn't kill me then and you won't kill me now. I'm stronger than anything you can fit into your lies and your fake tears and everything else you've got in your bag of tricks...trust hunny, I saw straight through you from the moment you lent me your voice to pick apart to very last thread of left over anger, and rage, and hurt, and regret. you'll regret this till the day you die, and I hope you find happiness in heartache because you gave enough to me, you're the very reason my life has been in shambles I stand face to face with the devil, too many years of therapy, too many broken hearts, too many tears, too much heartache, too many lies, too much shit. and I just realized what won't kill me will only make me stronger, maybe more hurt but definitely stronger and I just realized you've been pumping me up, every day of my fucking life...because of you I haven't found happiness, but lucky you, I found God, and he's the only reason you can still function, because without him, we have nothing...literally nothing. I hope this breaks your heart and tears you apart, I've realized you're nothing you have nothing and you're nothing but a fraud all the lies and the "regrets" and the tears? bitch I hope you cry for years. fool me once shame on you fool me twice shame on me, come after me once, shame on you, come after me again....well let's just see.

"i love you greyson dale because no matter what happens to you, you always find a way to come back looking prettier than ever with a smile on your face and a plan to make it all better...you give us hope. - Carly♥jo"

bring it on cruel world.

I was mean to this guy....oh well he was an asshole

p.s. I dealt with an anti-gay protester tonight... as did a bunch of people in line at the club it was excellent. I'm so glad to be american. :) goodnight world

on my end of the bargain...I'm losing, a ton

okay so it's been a couple days and I know it's overdue...but I always have new fun stuff to keep this bitch going...okay here's my life to date...ps my computer is being slow. So like I feel lead on...but that's item two okay here's what's been going on...I literally have had the wierdest patients lately like they've all been really fucked up like seriously okay and here's the best part. I found my family...My long lost family who I haven't heard from or been able to find in 8 yrs haven't seen in 14 okay so i found them and they're amazing i came out to my brother shawn who is a great guy always has been and it's just phenomenal it's been a total shocker this whole day/week IDK but anyways I've spoken with my brother and sister and I can't wait to meet them both...it's going to be amazing. I'm taking a couple days off and I'm going up to see them. i want to catch up and just everything...it'll be amazing. I went to the club tonight and my mom has no idea. it's been insane. okay so yea all that with my new family omg omg omg omg i can't wait. ps item two pertains to boys and how ridiculous they can be. Okay so I really like travis and everything was going good but i was sensing that he was holding back and i had a hunch as to why well turns out that this entire time he's been holding back because he seems to have it in his head that I'm going to florida like tmr, he doesn't really give a shit about the time we have but instead just wants to lead me on for weeks? okay cool whatever and me and tony are done too. I don't really care. It's not like i'm going out on thurs anyways so I don't really care, me and tommy are going out tmr night. I'm serious I was ready to buy travis the world and give him whatever he wanted but i guess that won't ever happened. All I fucking wanted was dinner. yea i feel lead on...wouldn't you??? Idk Idc I'm sick of this boy drama...and it's over with tony...thank god. And carly cheer the fuck up life is good...

and so the legacy continues

off I go, I'm done. I want out of here and I'm getting my ticket. I need sunshine, sand and cool blue water. Off I go you need to say your goodbyes to me now. I'm restless and sick and off I go. Here I go. Wish my well :) I'll miss you all

where will you go, where will you run?.....probably to florida

mom she'll be fine, everything will be alright. I finally got some sleep and I can't tell you how good that feels. as i sit here with my cigarette I'm reminded of better days. I gotta get out of here. It's time to go job searching. It's time to start researching. I'm sick of the same old place the same old feeling when am I going to find it? this thing that I'm apparently looking for. It's like there's something I don't have that I need. But I cannot find it to save my life. And I want to be saved but I get the feeling I don't need a saviour. I don't know nothing makes sense right now and it's cold as hell here. It is hell here. I think I'll go to my moms today. I think I need to go for a drive. IDK. somebody send me an answer. I hate the feeling of disappointment from others. The one thing I can't deal with is letting someone down, especially if I care about them, I'm so torn right now. I need a better job, a better situation, better everything and I don't have any of it. This winter might just be the coldest ever. And it might just be the hardest. I said this would be my last winter, and I intend to keep my word on that one. I need to go. I also need to go grocery shopping...I should probably get on that. I've never really had to do it for myself though so it might be kind of awkward. Idk. I need to do something with my life. I need to get on that.

the 10 songs I need right now.

okay so everyone has ten songs in their life at every given moment that they need. atleast I think so. well here's mine:
1.Thriving Ivory - Unhappy
It's so hard to pick just one there's like 5 of theirs right now that I couldn't live without :) awesome band and I love all of their music, they're lyrical geniuses. This song is definitely my cigarette break song.
2.Tenth Avenue North - By Your Side
excellent song, it's my head above water song.
3.The Great Lake Swimmers - Your Rocky Spine
this song is so flipping cute It's my sing along song, It just makes me feel like mellow. it's a fun and very sensual song but not in a like rip my pants off pound me way it's like the romance in the chase. I love it.
4.The Killers - Human
Don't know if you've heard it but it's really good it's a very nice song to just kinda think to. it's amazing. I love all their work.
5.City High - What would you do?
okay so I know this song is from like forever ago, I recently fell in love with it and idk it just makes me think so it's on the 10 songs playlist.
6.Chris Brown Ft Keri Hilson - Superhuman
Great pick me up break my heart song? If that makes any sense. God these are all such sad songs.
7.All American Rejects - Gives you hell
enough said.
8.The Automatic - Monster
this song is so fun I love to dance around in my underwear to it, listen to it and I think you'll understand why
9.Jason Mraz - I'm yours
Okay sure overplayed but this is me and carly's hi we're bffs song. so back of bitches. get in line. we're on number 34
10.brooke fraser - Shadowfeet
I love this song, it's just so sweet.
and If I could have a number 11 it would be pink dear diary. Couldn't live without it right now. Idk I love my music that's for sure. And nobody knows but me....and you. :)


p.s. other good music I'm lsitening to right now ;)
John Denver - Sunshine on my shoulders
Leanne Womack - Last call
Buckcherry - rescue me
Apocalyptica featuring Adam Gontier of Three Days Grace - I Don't Care
the pussycat dolls - I hate this part
thriving ivory - stranger

it's just a simple walk from here to there, but oh the things you'll find along the way

push the needle in the vein
and push that good warm poison
cause I don't wanna feel
and I seem to be in prison
I said I've never been ready
cause I don't have no special degree
and maybe I've got aids
and maybe all I need is something
to push inside these veins
I'll end up another accolade
numb me to the world
break my intercession
and increase my very perception
show me the only sky
and open me up to the waters
that flood this very city
clearing the gutters of the high class living
Cause I've been spending my nights
in an abandoned house
and all for the sake of a five minute high
and I could have my own way
and that's the way I'd have it
because it infects every walk of life
if only i could live my life
and break this simple cycle
staring out this simple car window
and watching the cold fall settle
I'm freezing here
let's go down town
I can only show you it all
so buy me a bag
and break my spine
you'll have what's "yours"
and I'll get whats mine.

Run out of words, But I still got time.

truth be told I miss you, truth be told I'm lying. So I've got something new that I wrote :) Can't wait to post it and get hate mail... Just kidding on that one. when people were reading my blog like crazy I did get some insane hate mail. Anyways here's my update, my best friend just started blogging on here and I'm in love with it. She's such a good writer. I love it. so anyways I've been busy, I went to work today and forgot my pants again so I ran home real quick like and got back to go on a call well my boss sent me home early, as a punishment. but anyone who knows me knows that I don't get punished by anyone and I refuse to stand in a corner. it's just not me. So I've been home tonight just working on stuff and chatting and listening to music. and I wish I had more liquor, for real. :( So i think I'm going to post that new thing I wrote, I did it while on a transfer with a heroin addict. it's pretty intesnse. Actually. I want a cigarette. and a hug, but even more I want a cigarette.

Fuck this, florida here I come

Tomorrow is just another day of waking up to talking about nothing, random bullshit literally. I fucking hate my life. Seriously, all I want to do right now is fucking sleep. I just want some fucking peace and quiet before I have to go to work tomorrow, But why? Why the hell would I not want to get up early to talk about shit that could be discussed on the phone, don't get me wrong, talking in person is AWESOME but let's be fucking real here, I could have the same conversation on the phone. literally waking up tomorrow just in time to say goodbye, is not that big of a deal, however waking up fucking early when I could be sleeping would be just ridiculous. Seriously, I work a full time job, Just got booted out of college, I'm dealing with quite a bit of shit right now, I haven't gotten a good nights sleep in God knows how long. Jesus! I'm so fucking sick of this cycle. I want out. I'm headed for the coast.

The deer, failing out of college, and the hitch-hiker who changed my life.

Okay so after the drama and such that unfolded Thursday night I headed home for a whole new story...okay so I'm in between Wellsboro and Mansfield and I hit a deer with grampa's car. I busted out the grill and all the fun stuff that mother fucker was HUGE I was so upset....okay so that was friday night, then this morning (sat.) morning went to class. well I failed out of college...and fuck you all for judging me. I really couldn't care what you think about me leaving college. I'm over it...really it's not the end of the world. I'm still pretty. I'm just whatever. I'm currently looking into schools that actually teach, I couldn't give a damn about that town or anything else HACC related. okay so after that was over and I deal with the day I drove past this guy who unbeknownst to me would be the breath of fresh air I needed. I picked him up, he'd been walking from oregon and he was headed to scranton with nothing but a winter coat and a hikers back pack. call me insane call me greyson I don't care, but I picked him up...and it was the best decision i've made this month. he has this real outlook on life like everything is everything, the colors are what they are and reality is what it is. and he chooses to be happy. we were talking about how big the world is and how small we really are, the possibilities of no more war, forgetting hate, moving on, freedom, a general concensious with our true selves, the truth, forgetting these sucky responsibilities, and just welcoming the real world and our lives with open arms, and a clear mind. I think i'm ready to look for the school to locate to. this guy really hit me hard and I consider him a friend now. He really changed my outlook in a matter of hours. A real breath of fresh air, he opened my eyes a little bit more to the icy cold breeze we choose to call reality, even if it does suck. Thanks Carl. Hakeilo

This is...the end.

this is the end of it all... and I know it by this time tmr I'll be planning a move. I hope everything works out fine...and everything will in it's own time, well is it good for you? I hope it's good for you.

Drama, the rape victim, heartache, and respect.

Maybe you won't end up like him...
then again maybe you will, it's been a long night, once again it's 5am and I'm up because I went out, everything was fine, until the drama started....one person then the other and I didn't want to say goodnight to anyone so I left, and ended up coming back to say goodnight to everyone, cause everyone seemed to be upset. I ran into a woman who had just been beaten up and raped... the cops took her home after they cancelled my ambulance that I called. It was awesome. I felt so great that they didn't help at all. she's back in the same place she was attacked. she said she's going to kill herself. I move on,dealt with more drama, and drama, and drama. Left and came back....to say goodbye, dealt with more drama said goodbye. Finally make it home, while enroute to the house I was slammed in the face with more drama, I didn't care, I moved on. Lay down, get ready for bed, roni's in trouble the upstairs plumbing went to shit and there was water pouring into the downstairs. I really can't deal with tonight...too much. This woman was the first domestic abuse/rape victim that I got close to...she trusted me. she was different from every other woman in the world...I could see it in her eyes, she was in so much pain, a mother and grandmother of one, she had so much on her shoulders. it all came loose tonight. I can tell you honestly right now I've never seen hurt like this. it was like someone had set her heart ablaze, and it burned out leaving only ashes, you could see the smoulder smoke so clearly in her brown eyes. as if her eyes were starved for oxygen to fuel the once burning fire. she was in tears all night...all I could do was hold her. apparently she's a frequent flyer with the police and She's been in trouble before. All I wanted for her was everything. I wanted to give her everything, safety, love, affection, a home, peace and happiness. she may never find it. she may never get what she deserves but, as a woman, she's lost. and I couldn't give her a map to save my life. I hope someday she finds everything she's looking for and everything she deserves. I swear to God as long as I live I'll never forget linda............................thats my night. I know ridiculous huh??? Goodnight world i need sleep.

you want to say it too

I'm done, I am. I'm so done. I'm exhausted I haven't actually "slept" in at least 72 hours. I'm upset because my social life is failing and yet I'm failing out of college and don't seem to give a shit...at all. The funny thing about it is, I don't. I don't care, this isn't one of those I'm an artist and I'll be defiant cause no one understands my energy. fuck that. I'm over it. This is it, This is Greyson Van Pelt. RAW. Fuck this ! I don't care anymore, I'm over college and all this other bullshit...I'll go to nursing school in Florida, and God Damn it I'll make my own fucking rules, I'm sick of being told I need a fucking plan, no I don't I'll make my own way, I always have before...Haven't I?

I said I don't get no sleep

Just light the end and get on with fucking life...it's so hard to move on, but wouldn't it be nice? So last night into this morning I was on a transport to pittsburgh it was so long and shitty and I feel like I'm going to throw up. I haven't slept for two days and I'm going on pure adrenaline, get upset, cry, move on, go to work, sit around, move on...it's a constant move along. I am getting out of this cycle. I'm on my way out and I can't wait. I really like travis...alot. but I get the feeling he's sketchy and I think he's still talking to my ex and I think they probably talk dirty to eachother, why the hell should I care. I'm not going to get involved this time.. I hope. I'm freezing in PA. I want to be in the sunshine of the south...I need to go home, I think the south is where I belong but I wouldn't lie to you it might be a while till I adjust. I'm screaming for more than just some blue eyed metaphor. I'm so in love with thriving ivory I think they're magnificent, and I only use that word when I feel stupid. It's like 8 am and I've been trying to sleep for the past 3&1/2 hours but sleep just won't come, surprise surprise. And I'm sick of talking to people just because. The life in my life is like fading, tara always brought some pleasant surprise to the table, it's so wierd that she's getting married. It's like such a shock but I knew it would happen someday, I just don't want to miss it when it happens. I can't be flying back home every other week when I move though. PS I'm moving to florida, if none of you were able to pick that up yet. And I've turned into this guy who wants to do nothing but write and play piano and smoke cigarettes like they're going out of style. I'm obsessed with little things, but finding joy in none of them. I miss the magic but I still have some spark it's so wierd. I'm feeling insane because I'm so stressed I feel like my heart isn't pumping up to par and my brain isn't getting what it's used to...yet I'm singing all the time, I always have some new tune to hum and I'm constantly expecting some amazing change. I don't know what it is, but if I'm dying don't tell me, cause I don't want to know...that's a lie yes I do. :) I have a whole bunch of scattered thoughts constantly spinning in my mind as if I'm on a carousel and everyone around it is screaming a different sentance I know they're all important...I just cannot seem to sort them out. I'm having the taxi cab dreams again, and I jump constantly when I try to go to sleep. I can't concentrate on a single thing...unless it's music. I'm sure you can tell from this blog that I'm listening to thriving ivory, and am so scattered brained. I've been spending these nights counting stars like a runaway and that's really what everything in me is telling me to do right now. everything says...RUN. as fast as you can look back often but not too long. I don't even know what's going on in my life right now it's so hectic. there's too much going on. It's like symphonies without a sound. somebody save me. for the past week I have had these same 4 second dreams, in everyone of them I see my life, as it is - not what I want it to be or what I believe it to be but I see it as if I'm a journalist writing about some no mans life and every none of them ends where i'm begging someone for a hug, one of them was the man of my dreams and usually it would end like we get married or he tells me he's married or something really fucked up but no in the end of that one specifically I was standing in front of a vandalized building ( my life was for sale inside ) and the building was on fire after someone came in and did some major damage. I just begged him for a hug and I got it and when he hugged me I woke up and looked around confused as hell I had no idea where I was or why it was so wierd. I never remember my dreams, unless they're nightmares or prominent for some reason. I think the ones of this past week have been pretty damn prominent. I just don't know what to do with myself right now. I'm so stressed out, more so than I have ever been before. atleast I think so. I'm sure a million other people who tell me differently and probably prove me wrong, but my life is not on trial here and if anyone has the right to sit in the jury box...it's me. which brings me to another point and I know this blog is long but I never said you had to read this thing. My moms boyfriend, glenn simply does not understand me being gay...to me it's not big deal alot of people don't understand it, I don't care if you do or don't. it's no right to fucking judge me, I don't blatanly come out and say well I don't agree with the way you live your life you need to fix this, this, this, this, and these couple things before I will. Fuck that, I'm not trying to sound like a 14 year old "defiant soul" but really? Like the rules that I choose to live by, I set myself, and on top of that I have a good relationship with God, maybe not what you percieve him to be but my God still loves me, therefore I don't need yours too, ones usually enough...I don't know I guess it's a defiant thing. He thinks I'm so defiant and I don't give my mother any credit. I give her more credit than she knows. I think she's awesome and we get along just fine these days she's starting to understand alot more than in the past and trust me we're getting better but it's still a day by day process. I don't need to justify my actions to anyone. and I mean that anyone, My personal life is mine and I will live it as I choose if he has such an issue with it he can kick me the fuck out. I've made my own way and I'm in a place I didn't see myself in for a very long time, I'm in a community, I belong. There's somewhere that I can go where I don't feel condemned for what I am or out of place just for being me and if anyone of you would like to experience this just give me a call. That's about all I have to say, For real though. I need some time to sort, and think and work on some things.
He takes his clothes of and he says
Is it alright if I stay the night?
I can tell everythings not fine
It's never alright to push away
I'm not as blind as you may think
and I'm tired of all this is
you look a little unhappy about the way the world is turning.
I've been dying for the world to know my name
So I'll tell you my name...
It's time to go.

P/s I stole alot of this from thriving ivory songs, if it's sounds poetic/ it's theirs. / you should know better :)