In a coma

I'm in a coma for a couple days...don't try to reach me. I'm unavailable. I'll be laying on the couch. The cell phone is off, I'm not using aim, I'm not replying to anything. I just need some time to myself. Okay? I'll be fine in a couple days.

It's so simple

Somedays I have time for all the worlds problems, and my phone is always on, my arms are always open. Hugs everywhere. Today however is not one of those days, today I cannot handle anyone's problems, today I cannot even handle my own. If anyone feels so burdened, please just give me a hug. I just really need a hug.

The night the shit took over.

Just to prove that my days are never bland Let me tell you a little story that is just another example of how my life is never bland. ever. So it's midnight when I walk upstairs to grab a bite to eat and I hear my name being yelled from the bathroom. Of course it's the elderly woman who lives upstairs, she happens to be stuck on the toilet. which is not unusual so I go to the bathroom and open the door and to my horror there is fecal matter...everywhere. All over the floor, the bathtub, the wall, the toilet, her legs, and hands. all covered in shit. so I just take a deep breath asses the situation and devise a plan, this took me 20 minutes I'm not good with critical shit thinking. I swear to god I wasn't born for geriatrics I have always said this. I will continue to stick to it. So I throw some towels down and get her into the bathtub, I give her a bath clean her, every inch of her, to sparkling level, by the time I was done with her, I would've eaten meat off her thighs. So she was clean, I got her into fresh clean clothes with fresh towels, everything was warm and fresh and nice and I walk out grab my food go downstairs to eat before I tackle the bathroom. I hadn't even finished my food, which I don't eat like 2 pizzas with 4 orders of chinese, like ten minutes maybe and She is screaming my name again, I go upstairs. I find her in the bathroom again, there is shit on her bedroom floor, her, the bathroom floor x2 this time, and pretty much everything is covered again. So... I move on to help her and I tell her I want to call an ambulance because the amount of shit is so copious I should say, we could probably clog Chicago's plumbing system, there was enough there to fertilize texas, 2x. So anyways I tried to get her to agree to let me call an ambulance, eventually she let me call. It was fabo. so I called and the 911 dispatcher gave it to me straight, the ambulance arrived around the time we got her situated on the couch. She's off to the ER. I stay behind take a quick shower, grab some clothes and head off to the er where the nurse gives me the third degree because I didn't put pants on her before we left the house, well I'm sorry they were all full of shit. Fuck the ER it's such a waste of time, so they blamed it on constipation, and said it was because she's old. Really? Go figure she's fucking 78 so then they didn't give her anything to stop it but they did put a crew together who wheeled her out in a wheelchair. It was the LEAST they could do. Sooo she tells me, she felt as though she was going to shit, no big deal she's wrapped in blankets. We stop at a local conveniece chain and get some ben and jerry's ice cream. We got back, and the second she got out of my car she shit her pants, she also shit all over the bathroom again. Which hadn't been clean from the start. I didn't have time. The nurse at the er wanted to like nail me for elder abuse because I wasn't keeping everything like it should be well fuck her, I'm the best caregiver in the world, I'll clean it when I get a chance. So anyways she finally got out of the bathroom into clean clothing again. We have been sitting here for 20 minutes just eating ice cream and talking about whatever comes to mind. It's been nice it really has, there are candles lit in the bathroom. It's just waiting for me, covered in shit calling my name, I swear to god this is some sort of punishment. She just informed me she has to go again. Life is beautiful. I can't complain, atleast I'm the one cleaning it, and not pushing it. I feel like sometimes I take my life for granted, as difficult as it may be and as hard as it is somedays I always remember, there's someone who has it worse, and they would love to be in my shoes, away from their worries and their pain. But for now I will just walk along, bitch and moan about the fact that karma has frowned on my life tonight, and that's okay because for every shitload I clean up another fucker is getting some payback...I need to go do laundry I've used a couple hundred towels tonight.

I feel you tumbling down.
Into that empty room
The lights went out.


This is by far the most depressing season ever. I don't think I've ever been this unhappy. I have to relocate. Why? Because my apartment has a water issue and I'm pretty sure there's mold in the walls, I'm sick from all of it, and I have to relocate...Doesn't that just suck? Yea and I was told this when I stepped into a pool of water this morning. As I sat with the two old bags this morning and two people I care a hell of alot about I realized; this isn't thanksgiving. Every other thanksgiving I've ever had, I was healthy, We were always laughing and there was always a story to be told. This thanksgiving was silent. There was nothing to say, it was the most depressing holiday I've ever experienced. I feel so alone.

The weight of the world on my shoulders and your ice cold hands.

I know, I can't stop writing.

I scrape my knuckles against a wall,
a door post
I don't even flinch
why is this all crashing down at once?
the Niagra will fall inside of me
as if it's been building and hiding in some unknown safe
all of the sudden
someone has profained my door
my precious wood grain
what an offense to make
offended? yes I am
to profaine my very living quarters
and break the combination
into my empty safe
That's now been emptied
my home ransacked
as if anyone has the right to send a tornado to my living room
this is my space
my air
my time
my life
get the fuck out
get the fuck out of my way
I'm so tired of being ruined
and broken down
just to feel for 5 minutes the sanity that's lost in seconds
I'm so empty.
I feel myself crashing into the empty world
I need a rescue, I scream out loud
I'm broken down
I need a savior
yet I know deep inside
nobody will ever come to my rescue
because my attacker was nice enough to close and lock the door for me
at one point I felt so fulfilled
I felt sane
now I know it was nothing but a lie.
the lights in this wretched house enrage me
this entire house is a disappointment. trust me I know a good disappointment when I see one
I am one.


nobody can even begin to understand the weight I'm carrying on my shoulders.
I've dealt with drugs, dysfunction, disgrace, humiliation, abuse, abandonment, and cold shoulders all my life. If you dare think you can understand any of this bullshit, by all means be my guest, In someone else's home. Not mine. I've got way too much past for you to read into, like you fucking know me, as if you know what's going on in my mind. I'll tell you my thoughts, when I see you, anyone, everyone. I pick out every flaw I can personal or superficial because it makes me feel better about myself. Sometimes I stare at someones huge nose, or secretly poke fun at the fact that their mother was just arrested on a coke possesion charge. It breaks my heart, and I do feel guilty, but I can cut later for my own shortcomings, right now in the moment, I'll poke fun, and cruelty at yours. I just want a life ring, some sort of flotation device, a dingy, anything. I just want to above water one last time, one last breath. before I drift, sink and drop like an anchor into this sea, of what I've never seen. I'm about to experience, the reason, we don't go "under". Yes I wrote that line so it wouldn't make sense to anyone but me, and the funny thing is, it doesn't nothing, none of this shit makes sense. none. none at all. it's all nonsense, and I hate it all. I don't even know what to say anymore, I'm sick of being cold. Please just throw me a liferaft without advice attached to the pricetag, I'm a bargain shopper, and thank you but I'll pass. The things going on in my life right now, are frankly none of your business I don't give a fuck who you are, I put the things in this blog that I do for a reason. Once again never said it made sense. I write on here to get things out, maybe open your mind, maybe shut it, because you're a fucking idiot I don't know why. Sometimes I honestly read this shit and I literally say out loud what the fuck? It's true so leave me the fuck alone right now. I need to be alone right now. I hate potheads, and I hate being told how the hell to live my life, seriously, loosen up the jeans, fucking leave me alone, and live your life, while I live mine, however I choose to lead it.

trust in this

This stumbling drunk feeling has got to end, you know it's not a phase.

We all know, this isn't what I want.

currently listening to Leona Naess ballerina

I hate mornings. I hate holidays even more. Right now these two have blended together to give me my own little piece of spiced hell. Blogging from the front steps of my porch in northampton. Hoods up, this crying thing is so over rated. I haven't slept in three to four days, I've quit paying attention. I'm so tired, yet I can't sleep, I'm fine yet I can't stop crying. I'm freezing, yet I don't shiver, and I'm bleeding but I can't feel a thing. I need to go. When everything blends together, like darkness and the ever growing feeling of alone, the only light in this empty world is change. I need it yet I hate it, I can't live without it, yet it's suffocating me, one layer at a time. I'm sick of break downs, tears, love songs, sad songs, music, television, cold showers, waking up, cigarette breaks, bitching, break time, hustling, brokenness, breaking hearts, breaking my own, falso hope, smokes, an endless supply of empty wallets, and cigarette cartons, emptiness. It's time for me to take my final bow, this show is over. Don't even lie from the first number you knew it was a sure flop. And I knew I was sure to fail...we all did.

I'm forging ahead, but I get dragged back everytime.

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Goodnight world Good morning cocaine

This blog is the insight into my personal life. Nobody sees through this eye on a regular basis, sometimes I write stuff on here that I have trouble telling myself. And tonight is one of those nights

I never admit to being on edge. I hide the weak spots in the floors of my life pretty well.
or so I think I do. Well I'm on edge. I can't take it.

Sometimes the world around me just hits me like a ton of bricks, I tell everyone I wear my emotions on my sleeve I'm a hundred percent honest about what I think and I always speak my mind. Well life fucking slapped me in the face tonight. This is what I know.

My home was stolen from me, as was a chance for a father. I never said I was ungrateful this is just the truth. I can't trust anybody because so many people lie to me, just to get me through the mornings. I can't wake up to an alarm clock. I think in the back of my mind, I don't want to wake up at all. I'm used to dreading the public, and the day. I love airports because it makes me feel like I'm leaving everything behind. I wake up every morning and debate in the shower, taking my money, cutting my losses, and running away. I wish I could just leave everything behind. And just go. I hate my life, I've had alot stolen from me, My home, my high school years, my school spirit, my spirit, my smile, my self confidence, my nights with people I love, my life. I'm without time, I'm without friends, I'm without time to spend alone with anyone. I'm so stressed my eyes have been constantly bloodshot for days, people keep asking me whats wrong because I look like I'm always crying. Well here's something you didn't know, I'm on the edge of a breakdown, I'm fighting back the sobs every second of every day, and I have been for quite some time now. I had to put down the razor this week, and I almost picked it back up. Instead I sat here, smoked, and re-evaluated my life. This shit aint popping anymore. I've been in the car with the keys in my hand and a 20 in my pocket more than a handful of times this week. It's not that far to get to downtown. I've gone driving to nowhere on numerous occasions this month. with everything I needed in my car with me. I've been sober for all of this. I want to get drug tested just so I can feel some sense of pride. That I didn't buckle under the pressure, the sad thing is, I'm so confused I don't know If I would pass, I don't know which way is up and I've come close to crashing my car atleast 10 times this week alone. It's tuesday. What does that say about me. I can't concentrate on anything but anger, and I'm stuck in a rut. It's as if the world has come crashing down, and everyone is running but me. I feel like there's greater opportunities out there for me. And for some reason it's like I know there's not. I've applied for jobs on cruise lines, airplanes, theme parks, and the bahamas. I want fucking out of here, I'm sick of all the bullshit. I'm ready to run away. If you don't hear from me for a couple weeks, ask around make sure I'm not dead, then give up. If I leave and I don't tell you there's a reason, so please don't get your hopes up.


No I don't want your shitty teenage advice, you haven't been there. If you want to give me advice I'll trade you a pair of shoes, if you're still alive after 2 days feel free to give me advice.
I don't want your stupid recipes for teas that "chill you out" I couldn't care less about tea right now.
I'm getting a tattoo I don't want good ideas, or what yours is of, or your mothers or why you got them.
Until you've seen the world through my eyes, you'll never understand. One thing I hope you can understand is that I don't want commentary on this blog from anybody and I mean anybody.
Commentary is just another word for judgement.
The only person who can feel free to call me out, or mention this blog to me, carly Jo, the floor is yours. The rest of you can stay the fuck away. Thanks for reading, sorry it's so depressing, mean, and angry but I don't need to justify my actions to you or anyone, justification is pathetic. And I'm not a cop out...Goodnight.

FML x3

the only benefit to insomnia is after the first month you could recite infomercials in your sleep. But you can't be cause you don't. the only benefit to the sleep deprivation is the loss of weight and the constant floating feeling, sometimes when I drive it's like I have no control, everything is so bright and beautiful, and slow and relaxed, the next thing I know I'm slamming on the brakes because I didn't realize everyone had stopped. hooray for decreased reaction speed. Life is so fucking good. Eat your heart out.

hoola hoopers kthxbi

I need a hoola hoop, and I won't rest until I get one. So join me in my quest to get a hoola hoop, because I have to work tmr. KTHXBI

oh ma gah

Okay so I have an opinion, you all know what that means...it's time to blog.
It's 803 in the morning so please bear with me while I discuss this tragedy with you.
If you have to go on reality television to find a date, there's a problem. Maybe it's herpes. I don't know the reasoning behind these ratings but I'm currently watching the date my mom with the crazy mom who makes up the song for the gay guy, and it's just really awkward for the whole episode. Plus her son is fat and has like bleached hair...right! So I don't understand how someone gets so desperate they apply for these things. I would think you would just do it for fun but apparently that's not the true reason for all of this. I find it sad that courtship is dead, no longer can Henry and samuel go steady, actually I don't know if they were ever allowed to go steady but either way, there's no going steady anymore. It's sex on the first date without a condom in a second hand bed with a second class citizen, who's B.A.C. is 4.32. yes kids sex on the first date is lethal. The point is. it's all about rushing around the relationship 1,2,3,4, dating has gone out the door 5.6.7.8. sex can wait masturbate. I hate reality tv. I hate MTV it's supposed to be music television, and it's nothing but stupid 21 to 25 and the occasional old bag getting drunk and going after some black guy with aspergers, or random college drop outs "working" for some rap superstar who knows his career should be over and the only reason he's still succeeding is because he endorsed a starving children of russianugandadarfur campaign on trl when it had music 6 years ago. I hate tv, I can't stand any of it. bring on the weeds, bring on the medical horror shows, and jeapardy at 5 o'clock. We all have our secrets, mine is I'm in love with jeapardy. So needless to say I despise television today, along with anyone who chooses to give in to this ridiculous programming they call entertainment. I am serious this shit is BAD. it's 815 in the am, I'm sorry but I can't control myself this early

Yours truly, someone else.

The world finds me to be fake. And I am. If you're a friend of mine, I've probably lied to you, over and over and over again. I see myself in the mirror as the biggest fake alive. I'm such a liar. The funny thing is I tell people the biggest lies but because of the history I've built for myself some of my lies seem completely rational. I don't care who finds me fake, I really could not care less who finds me to be a liar. I find myself to be a liar. I find myself to be the king in some imaginary empire of lies. I would consider myself a complete jerk, why should I care about anyone elses opinion of me, my opinion of myself is shitty enough. So tell me, what do you think of me? Do you find me to be a complete imbisal? Do you find me to be fake? When somebody says to me "I think you're an honest real guy" I realize they're lying through their teeth. I find it funny that people can lie to me, yet I can see straight through it. I'm such an asshole. But I don't care, why admit to a terrible past and an embarassing present when I can't just make up random shit, and prove that I can be anything I want to be. More like I can be whatever the hell I want to be percieved as being. I can make up any sort of story I want and if you believe it, I'm suddenly a brand new person, who has no idea who greyson van pelt is, nor does he care. If you find this disturbing, go ahead and find it unsettling, see if it affects me. I'll do what I need to, and I'll say what I feel, If you don't like the person I wrote myself to be, then all I have to do is move on, move up, regroup, and move on. It's not like it has any affect on the cycle. So yes I am fake, I lie to everyone. EVERY friend, aquaintence, and enemy I have. I'm a liar. And I don't care. Sue me if you don't like it.

I'll interrupt your lifestyle
Your free style
Your fake style
I'll ruin your cigarette break
Your day
Your peaceful sea of fake

You's a ho. I'm working tonight OMGGGG I'm so tired you have no Idea I miss my Carly Jo, no worries I'll be home soon enough car car. We're getting matching peace sign tattoos I think I'm going to draw my own one up this time so I have like my own artwork on my body, ps I never called meeca back, IDK why but she called me and I never returned that call. Well did you ever really want it at all, ps self righteous by third eye blind and why can't you be are my new favorite songs. Everybody go listen to the new ep it's on their website and I'm all about it...Plus+Plus+Plus+ My ink is on their blog and it will soon be on their website I'm so excited yay. Anyways I actually need to do my job I think I'll be on later, plus I'm online, the cells on..... FIND ME.

wtf suck me off is so dead

Tommy - I'm sick of the constant hot and cold, seriously mellow out somewhere in the tradewinds

Amanda - I'm so sick of your little narcisistic comments, like i fucking care, I know why can't I be like your waterpik shower massager. I'm still a diamond in the rough. And I'm sick of the, well i found a new GAY BFF thing, so the fuck what. tell the fairy i said hi. hello what else is new? you've always have some fag by your side, and if you think i'm reffering to me...think again he's engaged and hiding in the walk in...get the hint? figure out what you want, i'm sick of your shit, and send me every cloud and storm you have, nothings going to stop the waves from crashing....mmmkay

Travis - please just tell me, is it yes or is it no? I hate trying to read you but I love it because everyone else has always been so easy I love a good mystery. I put my life on hold for you kinda. And for what? A single kiss in a parking lot? I want more I want it all I want all of you, the bad and fucked up parts too.

Carly - you're wayyyy better than amanda....haha I love you i'd die without you, and Someday amanda will find out i wrote this and think it's a threat and save it on her computer because she does awesome stuff like that...yay friendship tattoos, we can show her and she can be jealous....ode to immaturity. I love you.

I'm sorry bout all this but it's 6am and I needed to rant my ass off, now that I've achieved my dream I can go on with life. Time for sleep goodnight world.

Greyson's guide to slurring your speech

I am so exhausted. I don't even have the energy to blog but I had to make that title...I need sex, I think I'll get sex tmr. I think I need a cigarette, I think I'll get a cigarette, tmr. I'm too exhausted to even smoke. I just ate a sandwich now I'm eating a huge bowl of pasta. I'm such a waste of space, I'm like the broken desk chair that nobody sits in but leaves in the corner because getting rid of things is only a joy when that thing is an ex boy friend who happens to be a ho. Bitch you don't know me. I want to fuck a cowboy. Yes I do. it turns me on just thinking about it...bitches it's bed time. I wish it wasn't but at 530 wtf else is there...goodnight world.

And ps ps ps me and travis are talking again, I totally lied and told him i cancelled florida. I also told carly that i did, but in all reality, i have NO FUCKING CLUE WTF I'M DOING WITH MY LIFE RIGHT NOW, OR EVER. I just want to fuck a cowboy so get the fuck off my back and get out of my way, I'm going to go find me a strapping man with a lasso and a horse. :)

Oh what a life.

So I haven't blogged in two days...ick I know. I'm applying for every mtv casting call there is. Everything's a dating show these days, and God himself knows, boy I DO NOT LOVE NEW YORK, or real or chance or daisy or any of those other slut bags but I do love sharon. WtF it just keeps getting better. it's 430 am and I'm exhausted I need sleep, because I have to get up and clean tmr. So goodnight world you should all go listen to julia nunes while I go smoke another cigarette. What are you going to do repeal my rights? Please!

You with the sad eyes. Don't be discouraged.

So...My breath of fresh air everyday is a cigarette break. I'm quitting. Today, I'm sure. It's official I've been up for 24 hours, not something I'm all that proud of. Ugh...I'm so sick of this, I need to get another job, I'm always out of cash. Ughhhhh. Anyways So tonight I've been watching ESPN, I've been watching college hoops for like 7 hrs something about Hawaii, A tight end, 4am eastern and overtime. Sounds like a good time to me. I'll bring the booze :) So, I think I'm going to eat more pineapple. I'm so tired and I need caffeine but there's no coffee in this house and I am not driving 15 minutes for a shitty day old brew. That sounds like a good song title "Day Old Brew" don't lie you're an itunes whore. I hate itunes but seriously who doesn't spend their paycheck on that shitty knockoff of napster these days. I don't. I refuse to. The darkness inside you can make you feel so small, I see your true colors shining through. I'm pretty sure that song was written with the image of two guys going at it as inspiration, I don;t see how that makes true colors beautiful but whatever, I now get two bars of cellular service on my couch, and that makes me happy. I'm so exhausted and I technically work till 2am tmr. Ugh. I can't even handle this. p.s. I scratched one of the ambulances and I have to tell my boss tmr cause it's so obvious.., I'm too lazy to upload the foto. I need sleep so I'm going to get pineapple cause it's been proven it increases stamina and energy and thats exactly what I would need If I was having a sleepover. whatever. same thing.

LOVE = LOVE

This is pride at it's greatest.
Today as a community, we changed history.
We showed america we're not just a minority, we are a people.
Who Vote
Who Pay Taxes
Who live breathe and shop at the same grocery stores you do
Who Love.
Today was a new day, a day of change, a day of action, and certainly a day of enjoying our freedoms to protest out beliefs and our rights.
Today was a day of national protest for GLBTQ to fight against the banning of us expressing our rights. I find it amazing. We are no longer asking or begging for any rights that already belong to us, the insults are over. Todays a New Day! We will have our rights. WE DEMAND THEM!
AND I'M DEMANDING MINE!
p.s. these pictures are not mine And I'm certainly not intending any infringement of copyright... they're from people in fresno, kentucky, alaska, iowa, memphis, texas, NYC, washington, and pretty much any other city that stood together today and yesterday for this great cause. We Live In A Great Nation, it's time we started proving it's greatness!




This is unity, for something so much greater than marriage but for equality.

LOVE IS LOVE...plain english.

We're not begging...We're demanding!





It's called EQUALITY and it's all we want.




Yes! They even held press conferences. See what kind of a difference we're making in america??
Freaking right, we told em.

Everyone deserves an opinion.....even if it is discrimination. It's cool hate us all we want, Like where are we going to go?





How dare you think we'd go down without a fight.

today = protest day

so today's the day...I wanna get married. I'll post a blog hopefully with pictures later today but idk. I'm sure it will be awesome and be sure and text me! for sure

protect the sanctity of marriage NOH8

Tomorrow I'm going to do my part and protect the sanctity of marriage...I'm going to the rally here in Allentown against prop 8...so let's stop the h8!

uh oh hot dog!

coffee and smokes....over and over and over again.

wouldn't it be nice? to say hello to a stranger?...I said I don't get no sleep till I get him off my mind...

I'm depressed again...
Oh And I'm upset about just about everything.
I hate falling under.
It's like when you're at the beach and you just want to catch a quick breath...
But thats always when the biggest wave you've seen all day steals it.
and you're capsized...it sucks...I know.
But right now I don't have time for sadness cause I have to get ready for work...and go buy coffee and smokes.

BOO.

:)
tell me are you alive?

ps I think erik rhodes the porn star is an awesome guy underneath it all. for real I think there's so much under the surface and I'd bet my life savings that underneath he's really a great caring guy who hates having his heart broken just as much as anyone else. I don't know why everyone thinks he's so cold.

omg. why.

okay so I just saw a video of a rent production at a nationally respected musical theatre school. and mark was asian....for reals? what is this world coming too. OMG

I wouldn't make that up :)

the army advancement fund, because soldiers deserve so much more. yeaaaa and they're like more specialerer and we should pay them wayyyy more cause being a soldier makes you way better than a civilian. we're like scum. ps soldiers are the exact same species as civilians, crazy right? and it doesn't change ones worth if they're a soldier. It's very honorable and it does deserve a hug, it takes a special person to fight for a country. I just don't see what the big fuss about it is. people thing soldiers in the army are like superhuman and I find it amusing and upsetting because by them going into schools recruiting at such young ages, alot of young men and women might already have an issue with self confidence, it doesn't help. remember there's no difference between you and lt. so and so or captain whatever. they will all try to give you the yes there is dignity loyalty honor respect, service to my country yada yada yada, dude, really? you can still have all those qualities. Like personally I'l loyal, love to take long walks on the beach, dignified, respected..woah...and I love to service my man, so see? you don't have to be a soldier to be worth something to people. Am I right? Of course I am :)

sooo...

So today I'm going to start working on my book...
I think I'm going to call it:
I'm Gay...A coming out story, everyday is a new door.

I was never hiding in any closet, I promise I wasn't. It's going to be stories and tales of how I came out, how people reacted, and the penalties and consequences I faced. I'm ready to face the world with the biggest coming out ever. I'm going paperback bitch! Get ready.

are you ready for this?

I know I don't need your blessing...can't I just be?
Okay so today was long I got up 8 hours ago, it's 3am. and yes I'm exhausted. What a day :) So I'm just lying here on my couch and I'm tired as hell. But not sleepy...ewww I have work tmr and my mom is waking me up in 5 hours but seeing that for the past two days all I've done is drink and sleep I think I'll be okay. I'm pretty sure I've made up my sleep debt. I'm sick of being sick. Why am I doing nothing but complaining? I went to work today and chilled out with my bosses for a little bit, we always have a good time and honestly it's the only time I can ever say that I've straight up just hung out with my bosses. Is that wierd? whatever. and I miss my BFF carly jo, whom I became business partners with tonight. we'll call it G&C inc. it'll be beautiful btw for those of you who have no common sense and can't tell sky from grass that means grey and carly inc. it'll be amazing. we're currently working on a product to be launched in the spring you can all be jealous when we're millionaires and making tons of money by sitting on our asses. yupper. it's a good time so anyways we had some nice long talks tonight. I'm listening to rufus wainwright and it's making me want to smoke..is that wierd??? p.s. I told my mom about this mystery product we're launching and she laughed in my face and said...no...I don't like it. It's bound for success. I'm so exhausted, I'm going to go smoke a cigarette and go to bed. I'll write more from work which happens to be in 11 hrs not even...oh god. Just think I'll never have to pull shifts like this again ever...by next fall. I think it's officially winter, and anyone who disagrees with me will be made fun of by my new kitten, which I will find and teach to make fun of you...because I can. This song is messed up major...goodnight

p.s.

I have an amazing family, I have a family who calls me baby boy, I have a family who loves me for who I am, I have a family built on truth, I have a family built on Gods great promise, I have a family of support, I have a family. My last name sounds a little something like Van Pelt, not bailey. There's a good reason for that. I am the descendant of Hal & Sue Porter. I am the son of Lori Porter. I have three amazing brothers, a loving mother, and grandparents who couldn't care less what I do with my life, they'd support me in anything! I also have an extended family who has never come even close to short of superior. Everyone has always welcomed me into everything with open arms, why? Because THEY ARE MY FAMILY. I don't need any more families to put a smile on my face. Trust, I don't need or have ever wanted anything more. My family has always supplied me with grace, and love, and honesty, and an unconditional acceptance, that no matter who my mother, or father :) or brothers or stepfather were, They still loved me. and the funny thing is after everything I've personally put them through they still DO LOVE ME. and that's why I don't need another family because there's nothing some new family that I've lived without for 18 years could tell me or give me or help me out with that I don't already have. I can still look amazing walking down Baltimore avenue in the heart of the city with a smile on my face and yes I could do it in heels or in the rain possibly both. Someday you'll all realize why I'm so pretty, because my bloodline lacked alot :) it's a real shame. I'm so pretty. I don't have a past to hide, or even a past that embarrasses me, I have a past that's heartbreaking and a testimony of the fact that I'm invincible...bring it on bitches.



p.s. I know you wish you were this pretty

Be sure your sins will find you out.

Trust me, I will make this famous… Every ounce of hatred in your soulless body, every plan that originated from your heartless chest, and every emotion you allowed to be seen, you broke it free of every chain inside of you, those chains have a name. Hypocrisy. In your eyes there is a language barrier between past and present and you have no remorse for anything that happened when things were so “Good”. You’re scum. Plain and simple, you’re scum, and I will have nothing to do with you. My blood pressure’s high, it’s so very high. Because the haunting of my past have been let loose in the form of you, you’ve tried so many times to steal so much from me, my future, my dignity, my life. Well it won’t haunt me anymore and be prepared to be scared. All the things that went on way back when have all stayed in way back when…until now, they’re starting to suddenly surface like a million bubbles churning in the sea. They all begin to surface at once, without knowledge of how and where they came from… Tell me does this hurt you, the reminiscing of times when you were cruel as the devil, and as I well can see, you still are. Still the same girl who stole from, lied about, and abused children and other human beings. Helpless children. Tell me how do you live with yourself? How do you have a child of your own? Tell me, was it different? Did you starve him? Did you hurt him? Did you damage his mental health? Did you break his heart? Have you ever done anything and everything in your power just to see him suffer? I’ll bet you haven’t. Damn! What a great mom! How awesome you truly are. Does he know what you’ve done? Does he have any idea of the things you did when you were his age, and older? I’ll bet he has no idea that his own mother, he’s so close with a monster is he? The fact of the matter is you’ve broken my heart, but I have plenty of bandages. You completely fooled me, twice, with the truth just around the corner, I thought it was impossible. I’m a hard one to fool and an even harder one to hide the truth from, but I must say you’re a damn good liar, and an even better homicidal antagonist. It’s a shame you suck at murder. Cause you never got away. Well be sure your sins will find you out sweet sister, tears, heartache, sleepless, restless nights, and My face to haunt your memory. I hope you’ll remember this forever and I’ll pray that you get right… This is the end of me and you…

thank you caroline.

A friend is the one who comes in when the whole world has gone out.
Okay so my last blog was a little nasty and forefront angry but honestly, right now I'm on the edge of a nervous breakdown. I have a feeling it's going to hit at the worst time too, like in the middle of Walmart.
It's that feeling before the cry
it's the sob before the sigh
Could I be any clearer with this? This is exactly how I feel and yes I wrote it. I'm so angry at myself for opening up the past. For real. If only I knew then what I do now. The some things that the some people did, and the some things they're still doing. Disgust me in the worst sense of the world. I'm so angered by it...I could just break. anything. everything. I just feel as though I've broken her heart, and in the process banged up my own. I should've let it be. I should've left well enough alone. But I couldn't and someday I'll get my answer but I don't want her to be in pain anymore and I think right now that's my biggest issue, I want happiness for her before I will ever be truly happy. And that's my biggest challenge...money truly can't buy, find, or even begin to search for happiness neither can a brand new loveseat, or a dog...only people can find happines...idk though my dogs pretty happy just to chill around...Someday we're going to find it cause I'm invincible and trust hunny girl....so is she.

Broken hearts teary eyes and pounds and pounds of regret...Eat your way to hell.

Trust me I can walk down Baltimore avenue with a smile and forget you...
I can pretend as though you never existed...
I never needed you before, and I certainly don't need your psychotic homicidal maniac tendencies now. Trust in this, I never needed a father, I never had one, I will never have one. I'm still pretty despite it all, and all along I moved along, without any of this, without knowing who they were, or what they were, or why they were, and all of the sudden...I'm okay with that. Of course I'm fucking okay, I always have been fucking okay, nobody will stand in my way of happiness. I don't need to know his face, his name, age, race, religion, or status as a human being. And I couldn't give a shit about wherever the fuck he was buried...He'll stay there and I'll move on, tis pity, But I'm stronger than this storm. I will be the one to stand on the bow and scream at the angry clouds that blow black and the squeeling rain that hisses in my ear and the wind that whistles through crevices which make me. I will be the one to break the lightning with the bow of my own anger. This is my fucking ship and no storm, no angry ocean, no wind, and certainly you, will never conquer me. you've seen that I'm invicible bitch I'm still here, and I'm coming, cause I'm on the prowl, just hold your head steady, go ahead take a bow...you're done. this show has now been ended AND SCENE is all I have to say. Listen you little fucked up psycho with no real basis for emotion, you couldn't kill me then and you won't kill me now. I'm stronger than anything you can fit into your lies and your fake tears and everything else you've got in your bag of tricks...trust hunny, I saw straight through you from the moment you lent me your voice to pick apart to very last thread of left over anger, and rage, and hurt, and regret. you'll regret this till the day you die, and I hope you find happiness in heartache because you gave enough to me, you're the very reason my life has been in shambles I stand face to face with the devil, too many years of therapy, too many broken hearts, too many tears, too much heartache, too many lies, too much shit. and I just realized what won't kill me will only make me stronger, maybe more hurt but definitely stronger and I just realized you've been pumping me up, every day of my fucking life...because of you I haven't found happiness, but lucky you, I found God, and he's the only reason you can still function, because without him, we have nothing...literally nothing. I hope this breaks your heart and tears you apart, I've realized you're nothing you have nothing and you're nothing but a fraud all the lies and the "regrets" and the tears? bitch I hope you cry for years. fool me once shame on you fool me twice shame on me, come after me once, shame on you, come after me again....well let's just see.

"i love you greyson dale because no matter what happens to you, you always find a way to come back looking prettier than ever with a smile on your face and a plan to make it all better...you give us hope. - Carly♥jo"

bring it on cruel world.

I was mean to this guy....oh well he was an asshole

p.s. I dealt with an anti-gay protester tonight... as did a bunch of people in line at the club it was excellent. I'm so glad to be american. :) goodnight world

on my end of the bargain...I'm losing, a ton

okay so it's been a couple days and I know it's overdue...but I always have new fun stuff to keep this bitch going...okay here's my life to date...ps my computer is being slow. So like I feel lead on...but that's item two okay here's what's been going on...I literally have had the wierdest patients lately like they've all been really fucked up like seriously okay and here's the best part. I found my family...My long lost family who I haven't heard from or been able to find in 8 yrs haven't seen in 14 okay so i found them and they're amazing i came out to my brother shawn who is a great guy always has been and it's just phenomenal it's been a total shocker this whole day/week IDK but anyways I've spoken with my brother and sister and I can't wait to meet them both...it's going to be amazing. I'm taking a couple days off and I'm going up to see them. i want to catch up and just everything...it'll be amazing. I went to the club tonight and my mom has no idea. it's been insane. okay so yea all that with my new family omg omg omg omg i can't wait. ps item two pertains to boys and how ridiculous they can be. Okay so I really like travis and everything was going good but i was sensing that he was holding back and i had a hunch as to why well turns out that this entire time he's been holding back because he seems to have it in his head that I'm going to florida like tmr, he doesn't really give a shit about the time we have but instead just wants to lead me on for weeks? okay cool whatever and me and tony are done too. I don't really care. It's not like i'm going out on thurs anyways so I don't really care, me and tommy are going out tmr night. I'm serious I was ready to buy travis the world and give him whatever he wanted but i guess that won't ever happened. All I fucking wanted was dinner. yea i feel lead on...wouldn't you??? Idk Idc I'm sick of this boy drama...and it's over with tony...thank god. And carly cheer the fuck up life is good...

and so the legacy continues

off I go, I'm done. I want out of here and I'm getting my ticket. I need sunshine, sand and cool blue water. Off I go you need to say your goodbyes to me now. I'm restless and sick and off I go. Here I go. Wish my well :) I'll miss you all

where will you go, where will you run?.....probably to florida

mom she'll be fine, everything will be alright. I finally got some sleep and I can't tell you how good that feels. as i sit here with my cigarette I'm reminded of better days. I gotta get out of here. It's time to go job searching. It's time to start researching. I'm sick of the same old place the same old feeling when am I going to find it? this thing that I'm apparently looking for. It's like there's something I don't have that I need. But I cannot find it to save my life. And I want to be saved but I get the feeling I don't need a saviour. I don't know nothing makes sense right now and it's cold as hell here. It is hell here. I think I'll go to my moms today. I think I need to go for a drive. IDK. somebody send me an answer. I hate the feeling of disappointment from others. The one thing I can't deal with is letting someone down, especially if I care about them, I'm so torn right now. I need a better job, a better situation, better everything and I don't have any of it. This winter might just be the coldest ever. And it might just be the hardest. I said this would be my last winter, and I intend to keep my word on that one. I need to go. I also need to go grocery shopping...I should probably get on that. I've never really had to do it for myself though so it might be kind of awkward. Idk. I need to do something with my life. I need to get on that.

the 10 songs I need right now.

okay so everyone has ten songs in their life at every given moment that they need. atleast I think so. well here's mine:
1.Thriving Ivory - Unhappy
It's so hard to pick just one there's like 5 of theirs right now that I couldn't live without :) awesome band and I love all of their music, they're lyrical geniuses. This song is definitely my cigarette break song.
2.Tenth Avenue North - By Your Side
excellent song, it's my head above water song.
3.The Great Lake Swimmers - Your Rocky Spine
this song is so flipping cute It's my sing along song, It just makes me feel like mellow. it's a fun and very sensual song but not in a like rip my pants off pound me way it's like the romance in the chase. I love it.
4.The Killers - Human
Don't know if you've heard it but it's really good it's a very nice song to just kinda think to. it's amazing. I love all their work.
5.City High - What would you do?
okay so I know this song is from like forever ago, I recently fell in love with it and idk it just makes me think so it's on the 10 songs playlist.
6.Chris Brown Ft Keri Hilson - Superhuman
Great pick me up break my heart song? If that makes any sense. God these are all such sad songs.
7.All American Rejects - Gives you hell
enough said.
8.The Automatic - Monster
this song is so fun I love to dance around in my underwear to it, listen to it and I think you'll understand why
9.Jason Mraz - I'm yours
Okay sure overplayed but this is me and carly's hi we're bffs song. so back of bitches. get in line. we're on number 34
10.brooke fraser - Shadowfeet
I love this song, it's just so sweet.
and If I could have a number 11 it would be pink dear diary. Couldn't live without it right now. Idk I love my music that's for sure. And nobody knows but me....and you. :)


p.s. other good music I'm lsitening to right now ;)
John Denver - Sunshine on my shoulders
Leanne Womack - Last call
Buckcherry - rescue me
Apocalyptica featuring Adam Gontier of Three Days Grace - I Don't Care
the pussycat dolls - I hate this part
thriving ivory - stranger

it's just a simple walk from here to there, but oh the things you'll find along the way

push the needle in the vein
and push that good warm poison
cause I don't wanna feel
and I seem to be in prison
I said I've never been ready
cause I don't have no special degree
and maybe I've got aids
and maybe all I need is something
to push inside these veins
I'll end up another accolade
numb me to the world
break my intercession
and increase my very perception
show me the only sky
and open me up to the waters
that flood this very city
clearing the gutters of the high class living
Cause I've been spending my nights
in an abandoned house
and all for the sake of a five minute high
and I could have my own way
and that's the way I'd have it
because it infects every walk of life
if only i could live my life
and break this simple cycle
staring out this simple car window
and watching the cold fall settle
I'm freezing here
let's go down town
I can only show you it all
so buy me a bag
and break my spine
you'll have what's "yours"
and I'll get whats mine.

Run out of words, But I still got time.

truth be told I miss you, truth be told I'm lying. So I've got something new that I wrote :) Can't wait to post it and get hate mail... Just kidding on that one. when people were reading my blog like crazy I did get some insane hate mail. Anyways here's my update, my best friend just started blogging on here and I'm in love with it. She's such a good writer. I love it. so anyways I've been busy, I went to work today and forgot my pants again so I ran home real quick like and got back to go on a call well my boss sent me home early, as a punishment. but anyone who knows me knows that I don't get punished by anyone and I refuse to stand in a corner. it's just not me. So I've been home tonight just working on stuff and chatting and listening to music. and I wish I had more liquor, for real. :( So i think I'm going to post that new thing I wrote, I did it while on a transfer with a heroin addict. it's pretty intesnse. Actually. I want a cigarette. and a hug, but even more I want a cigarette.

Fuck this, florida here I come

Tomorrow is just another day of waking up to talking about nothing, random bullshit literally. I fucking hate my life. Seriously, all I want to do right now is fucking sleep. I just want some fucking peace and quiet before I have to go to work tomorrow, But why? Why the hell would I not want to get up early to talk about shit that could be discussed on the phone, don't get me wrong, talking in person is AWESOME but let's be fucking real here, I could have the same conversation on the phone. literally waking up tomorrow just in time to say goodbye, is not that big of a deal, however waking up fucking early when I could be sleeping would be just ridiculous. Seriously, I work a full time job, Just got booted out of college, I'm dealing with quite a bit of shit right now, I haven't gotten a good nights sleep in God knows how long. Jesus! I'm so fucking sick of this cycle. I want out. I'm headed for the coast.

The deer, failing out of college, and the hitch-hiker who changed my life.

Okay so after the drama and such that unfolded Thursday night I headed home for a whole new story...okay so I'm in between Wellsboro and Mansfield and I hit a deer with grampa's car. I busted out the grill and all the fun stuff that mother fucker was HUGE I was so upset....okay so that was friday night, then this morning (sat.) morning went to class. well I failed out of college...and fuck you all for judging me. I really couldn't care what you think about me leaving college. I'm over it...really it's not the end of the world. I'm still pretty. I'm just whatever. I'm currently looking into schools that actually teach, I couldn't give a damn about that town or anything else HACC related. okay so after that was over and I deal with the day I drove past this guy who unbeknownst to me would be the breath of fresh air I needed. I picked him up, he'd been walking from oregon and he was headed to scranton with nothing but a winter coat and a hikers back pack. call me insane call me greyson I don't care, but I picked him up...and it was the best decision i've made this month. he has this real outlook on life like everything is everything, the colors are what they are and reality is what it is. and he chooses to be happy. we were talking about how big the world is and how small we really are, the possibilities of no more war, forgetting hate, moving on, freedom, a general concensious with our true selves, the truth, forgetting these sucky responsibilities, and just welcoming the real world and our lives with open arms, and a clear mind. I think i'm ready to look for the school to locate to. this guy really hit me hard and I consider him a friend now. He really changed my outlook in a matter of hours. A real breath of fresh air, he opened my eyes a little bit more to the icy cold breeze we choose to call reality, even if it does suck. Thanks Carl. Hakeilo