My life is going to hell in a handbasket

This is seriously it.
I'm fucking angry.
I'm so sick of my mothers boyfriends shit.
I'm working 91 hours a week...for shit pay.
I'm exhausted.
I've been bad mouthed
&&& now I'm homeless?
Okay then.

I'm a superhero

The sky was gold it was rose I was taking sips of it through my nose.
good morning world.
And today is a new day... My mother and her boy friend are leaving for their home today. They decided it's time to go home. I'm staying here and holding this place down. Go me! I'm such a good guy. I tell ya what. I can't just walk away. I would feel terrible I would be worried sick that something has happened and I wasn't here to save them from it or fix the problem. Even though it wouldn't happen I just know if I left they would just die of loneliness. Sometimes I think I keep them going. Nah.
Alright caroline.
Here comes the sun.
I need to get to work for the lobster guy I honestly haven't done shit but every number I call has been a dead end and of course he wants to close down the company. It's ridiculous. He needs to get shit on the road. If we don't have a website I can't do very much and I'm hoping he gets the website set up TODAY. Which I doubt will happen but whatever. I also need to get a hold of joe and make sure shit is on track. Which it probably won't be. I feel like I have to be the bitch in this business.
Excuse me while I save the world.

It's called a bad mood

dude seriously. So I was in a strangely good mood today surprisingly. Listening to third eye blind really helps. So my mom and her boyfriend are leaving and I'm not moving back downstairs. Which means I'm stuck with the fucking insane bitches fuck my life. I'm not happy. I almost fucking just lost it today because they were both just completely driving me insane and kinda still are. One of these days I'm just going to leave. It's about to break like a fever. And fuck travis I don't even care. He's pissed because I ignored him for two days because he was being retarded and this week he wants to spend time with me but I'm too broke and anyone who knows me knows I don't EVER let that show. I'm always an equal and I'm a total liar. I'm always cute. I love my fake friends I don't want to lose them but sometimes it really does scare me that I might. It's insanity. My life is complete insanity although now that they're moving out I can't quite work on my music like I was planning or get away however I can finally work on my book which I think will be nice I don't know there's so much to do before they leave and they're leaving tmr. MAJOR FUCK MY LIFE.


p.s. thanks everyone for sending me a mother fucking sewing machine I fucking need one. God damn it I'm in a bad mood.

For the social worker at the needle exchange

For the self medicated and the hard to reach.

It's about to break
Break like a fever
It's about to break


Dear Stephan, I will meet you someday. And we will discuss things. Yes we will. xoxo grey


There are days when I feel so small and I feel like nobody hears me. All I have to do is play a third eye blind record and it's like; clarity. Clarity beyond what I already know. I feel third eye blind plays for me.
But they don't just play for me, they play for the me in all of us. They don't play for the crowds they play for each fan, If that makes any sense. I like doing things not so ordinary and anyone who knows me, knows I am anything but ordinary, plain or normal. Third eye blind has always given me a reason to believe and they've always given me hope and said...it's okay if you're not normal. It's okay to get emotional, it's okay to be crazy, it's okay if you don't make sense, or wanna run, or wanna be different, or can't help it, and it's okay to scream. Sometimes you just have to scream a little bit. It's okay if you don't want to be here, just be here. Just let it be. It burns like a fever but it's about to break. And that's okay.

I love third eye blind I will probably forever stay dedicated to them and I plan on getting more of their ink in the near future. It's funny because every time I see their shows I just think to myself. What an honor to have their symbol on my body. Thank you third eye blind.

best lies I've ever hear

You won't remember this when you're older
Don't worry depression is just a phase
You'll grow out of it
It won't be this way forever
Once you're out of high school things will clear up
They'll come around....(MAJOR LIE)
You're so cute
I love you

I got that boom boom prow

I'm fucking
depressed
angry
pissed off
vicious
dangerous
mad
saddened
heavy hearted
disappointed
&&& FUCKING CRAZY
& God help you if you fucking ask why.


I need to talk to Carly. I'm going to explode!

rain is such a bitch

so I stopped working on my new book. Whatever. Dave thomas inspires me to learn the accordion and I need to call walmart tmr and go to lykens to get a new laptop...shit. So I have a job that pays shit. Whatever this is the shit blog. Life is okay. I'm kinda down about living in my mothers house even though I've lived here longer. My "v" Key is driving me literally insane and the fact that blogger keeps freezing is doing the same. damn you blogger. Okay so anyways I wasted today after work I wanted to go do shit but my mom wanted to waste my time...eh whatever. okay so next topic. I don't know what to talk about. jesus christ my blogs are never inspiring I wish I could be more inspiring to you all...but I'm sorry I just can't be. Besides this blog isn't made for your inspiration. it's made for me to bitch. All the time. It's what I live for and it's the only thing I continuously ish update FUCK BLOGGER okay so I'm still overdrawn and unless I come up with 72.74 by tomorrow my account is going into collections on thurs at 1am and by business hours thurs the only credit I have will be fucked to shit which means I am going to have a bad credit score that I will of course have to work my life away at fixing for the rest of my life because my mother made the selfless decision to force me to move back. fuck. now I'm in a bad mood. Whatever. I'm in such a bad mood now and it's affecting my typing skills. It's just depressing ya know? I'm up here struggling...again spinning the same god damn tires I always have. Idk I guess it's more frustrating than depressing only because I feel like I shouldn't be here there's more that I could be doing with my wonderful lack of potential. PAUSE I just got yelled at for leaving the stove on. Whatever I wanted eggs so I made like a dozen and ate them. They were quite delicious. I do enjoy me some eggs. Okay so I'm freezing on my front porch for the sake of a cigarette blog. yea fuck quitting. leave me a comment on this blog tell me something. anything. if you don't feel like it then fuck you I don't want your nasty comments anyway skank wad. I missed cigarettes. ohh and p.s. I need a fucking sewing machine so send me one now before I lose interest in love. I enjoy time alone. Lately it's been sad tho. accordion music is so god damned soothing tho I tell ya it is. I'm finally going out again this thurs. I want to dance my ass off & look retarded which is okay by me why? Because I am the cigarette writer. here's my priorities tonight.
Sewing machine
Accordian
Make stuff
Make magic
get my taxs done. sorry IRS suck my balls. and wallow in being money less...and owing them money
Plan shit I don't have money for.
Write a spontaneous poem


In this soft I feel you
In this lonely I yell your name
I cannot find you
Profained claims
Of glory.
I find you in the black keys
My inspiration hidden so minor
I lose you in the white keys
Dancing behind the major
The thick and reminiscent melody
I search for you the most
You're dancing in your sanctuary
The music let's you free
You're hiding in your sanity
This silence holds you still
And yet you speak to me
Just as the black keys
They cry to me
Please!
No longer can you run this maze
This forrest
This darkness
This thickening haze
This broken dream
This sharp reality
Let us free from this melodic melody
Let us fill the skies
As you harmonize
Break this trance
thirs rythm this rhyme
this broken silhouette of time
You've held on to this line
This lyric
This fine.....fine fine music
The music that let's you flow and breathe and move and she's
So beautiful when she dances
Spinning and grasping
For nothing, just air
Letting herself be free in the breeze
She tells me in a story line
Rhyming and timing each line to shine
Like gold
Please hold me
Support me
See me
Free me
I've been a victim, a prisoner of this melody for so long
I need new life
New air
New everything
New song.
Give me a new song to sing
Give me a new life to live
Let me go high upon the ocean breeze
Let me dance among the leaves of trees
Take me to the coast she says
I want to feel the air
I feel that I can breathe there.
But I have nothing left to give you.
No pockets filled with gold
This lyric is empty this song is old
The curtains have closed
On the show that once was
The audience has left now
They left without applause
The orchestra has faded
Into a subtle hue
And any magic once held here
Has left only you
You must be my music
You must be my inspiration
In the keys of this empty piano
It's broken, out of tune
I must run, I must search
I must fine you!
You are what I'm looking for
My crecendo
My chorus
My magic
My lights
You my dear
In all your sublties
You must be my life
I will search for you in the white
I will find you in the black
I must write you to a page
The conductor must come back
The balconies will fill
With young and old alike
To see my vanity
My amelie
To hear of this, my life.
The lights will return
The music will again fill this room
The dark shiver
Of loneliness
No longer welcome here
Come crowds
Come world
Come air, sweet air to fill this poetic room
Come see what has begun
Come see what I've become
Come see what I have found
Come see what I have done





wow. okay one down. Maybe just the longest thing I've written in forever. I feel better. Kisses. xoxo

I love the sound

I love music but my life is so noisy I can't even hear.

it's like eighty pages

I've got a list a mile long of things I need to get done this week. It's going to be busy. I'm smoking as we speak...so much for quitting. So I don't feel like I'm as sad as usual. I feel like I'm just confused. I hope shit starts to get better I'm working out a plan for the future. Just some things I would like to accomplish. I'm still thinking and living in the moment though. Atleast I like to think so. i'm too spontaneous to need a plan everyday. P.s. I cleaned up shit again for hours the other day... it was tons of fun. Anyways like I said I'm just looking into and planning some options to do along the way. This life is too fucking short to not do what you want to. If everybody just did whatever the hell the felt like. The world would be a much happier place. I've got to admit though, I'm never happier than I am when I'm just doing random shit with friends. Running through the woods, exploring a city at 3am, going to a diner and spending my last 1.15 on a coffee and a shitty novel. I'm serious. I think it's all about the little things. I always have. Which brings me to my next point. I've got two things I want to do RIGHT NOW. actually I'll just put a list here;
I want to run, run away, far far away.
I want to finally start my business and I will
I want to travel which might mean joining the peace corps
I want to move out. &&& I'm going to
I want peace. I might not find it but I sure as hell will fight until I find whatever the hell it is I can find. I don't know if I'll ever find what I'm looking for but why stop looking?
Why stop bitching? There is no why. That's why I won't.
Which brings me to my next point....(this is where the blog gets a little deep)
Does there always have to be a why? I've gone without knowing the why's for long enough and even though I might not be content with that it's the way it is. The word contentment has nothing to do with the words adventure or journey. Contentment isn't finding the top of the hill. Contentment is finding. So I'm okay with not knowing why, I'll never be content, who the fuck cares why, it's still an adventure. I'm ready to run to the shores of florida and live off the coast. I'm prepared to do so. Find someone, splurge on some shitty shack and spend everyday building up what will eventually be our kingdom where things can branch out from. Just because it's not pretty doesn't mean it can't be. I'm ready to start an adventure with someone just like me. A little bit of wit, maybe some promise, some potential, a big heart, a giant imagination that loves to sneak away and some sort of sense of adventure. I'm ready;
to experience
to love
to enjoy
to smile
to live everyday like I won't get another
to tell my secrets
to let it in
to let it out
to stand my ground
and most of all



I'm ready to run. not sure why. doesn't really matter, because I am


ready to run!it's it

easter blog

sorry I've been so busy I'm going to try to blog later. shit has just been bad and busy so I haven't wanted to write. I need a sewing machine so fucking send me one already and p.s. I'll blog atchya later

Save me.

fuck my life
I have no fucking friends.
The friends that I do have are out dancing right now.
I'm not.
I'm fucking chained into this prison cell.



I'm dying to get out.



I keep fucking praying. Begging. Pleading. Screaming.



I'm dying.



I just dying for an angel to come carry me away.
To just come give me a new life
A new everything
A new anything.


I'm dying to get out/

it's an issue

Okay I'm sorry I haven't blogged in a while. I've been busy I spent the day in sayre the other day then I got sick then I called in today and we rescheduled for monday. I fucking hate maximum care...I don't want to work there it's like the perfect picture of what I don't want to be doing. everyone that works there is just so fucking abrassive and annoying. I don't like it at all. Whatever.

So I need a sewing machine. More than anything I want a sewing machine.

sayre

I'm in sayre with my grandmother. they don't know what's wrong.




pray.

I'm over it

I'm so unhappy it's ridiculous. I'm seriously fighting tears right now. Like I said, haven't showered today. I feel fucking worthless.

FUCK IT ALL

I feel like this blog should be on a billboard somewhere. Someday someone will read it and find it somewhat interesting. Okay so I have something a little fucked up to blog about this thyme. it's okay if you have no idea what I'm talking about. nobody said you had to understand, only to listen. OK so if you want to listen to what I'm listening to:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XEUWFvT16f8
Sorry I couldn't embed it because UMG is super gay.

Have you ever felt cheated because you passed up on something AMAZING? Do you ever regret being the person you are today because of who you were yesterday? Do you think you ever said goodbye to the wrong afternoon lover? Some people find love in a trailer park. Some find it in the Ghetto. Some find it on the beach, in a brightly lit condo. And some never find it. But sometimes I think it's found without looking, not on accident but I think it's found unplanned, spontaneous, forceful but gentle.

Told you...fucked up right?

Okay so here's the question on my mind tonight...p.s. it's almost 3:30am and I worked all day...

Nevermind no question just talking about me

I keep getting this over-whelming feeling that my entire future lies all over the world and like a puzzle I have to go collect the pieces and put them together on the shore. literally the shore. I get the feeling that my future lies elsewhere, my happiness elsewhere, I've already found my joy, I can't find my future though, My god I can't even find my fucking present. I don't feel like the grass is any greener because I know it's the same fucking shade of the same god forsaken brown. I just feel like there's more. more than this shit city, more than these broken legs, more than these broken wings. I know I can fly! I fucking know it. I just don't have the resources. I'm sick of fucking struggling and being alone in this fight. I'm sick of being stuck. I feel as though I'm back to spinning my fucking tires. I KNEW THIS WOULD FUCKING HAPPEN. I can't tell you how alone I feel. I can't tell you how hard it's been and I can't even begin to describe how I feel and what emotions are flowing through me. I wrote a song the other day about a guy I used to be involved with. I couldn't finish it. A. Because he turned out to be a worthless asshole. big surprise there, but also because I was an ass. & B. I can't write these days. I've been trying but I find myself collapsing on the piano just ballng my eyes out. I've been crying really weird lately. I don't know.

I'm filled with fucking remorse. Right now I need to stop writing because it's really upsetting me. I've been getting fucking worked up over this shit because I take a step back and just can't fucking get over how bad my life is right now. Okay I know it sounds like a pity party but if you don't like it, here's a link to www.google.com go fuck yourself. I feel like my life has gone from "worth something" to fucking "fuck you" literally my quality of life is just terrible. I probably won't shower tomorrow until 5pm, I'll lay in bed until then and think about all of this shit while I proceed to do nothing about it but that's okay. I don't smoke anymore so it's supposed to be okay. well

FUCK THIS

I'm thinking about checking myself in for a while. I need to escape for a while and sometimes I seriously worry what I could do to myself if put in the right situation. I'm scared of what I would, could, often think about doing. I don't want that for me.


oh and the restricted calling thing is a major reason for most of this. I feel like I'm drowning and I can't fucking catch one rope. I feel so alone and so trapped inside myself if that makes any fucking sense. I just kinda feel suffocated in this whole experience and this situation isn't helping at all. just fuck it. FUCK IT ALL.

I can fly
But I want his wings
I can shine even in the darkness
But I crave the light that he brings
Revel in the songs that he sings
My angel...
Please just take me away from this place.

I still think about you all the time.

bulagah lagah lagah

I'm a trick
I've got the best ass this side of town
I'm a trick
And I'll tear you down...



FINAL WARNING...watch out
I don't want to, but I'll be such an ass if called on to do so.

And now for my final act

Throw it away
Forget yesterday
I'm going to make
my great escape


Okay so I want out... I've decided why I'm so depressed here. I want what I want, and until I get it I'm just going to be upset about it. Basically, I'm going to pout and fuck you if you don't like it. I also realized I wasn't born to stay in one place, I was born to be on the move, to always travel. I'd like to have a base but I'd love to be a vagabond. I'm seeing more and more of my dad come out in me everyday, and other people notice as well. I conned some people last week to get in and out of some different things. Whatever. I'm also noticing how I'm cutting people out more and more and just don't care. I'm cutting all and I mean ALL the people who don't have a place in my future, because they aren't beneficial to getting there. They didn't last, big deal. The friends that I care about seeing in the future I help them in getting there. If you haven't helped me, goodbye. I've said goodbye to 7 people this week. I'm over it. I don't care, if you have nothing for me, if you want to stress me out, I don't fucking need you