This is...the end.

this is the end of it all... and I know it by this time tmr I'll be planning a move. I hope everything works out fine...and everything will in it's own time, well is it good for you? I hope it's good for you.

Drama, the rape victim, heartache, and respect.

Maybe you won't end up like him...
then again maybe you will, it's been a long night, once again it's 5am and I'm up because I went out, everything was fine, until the drama started....one person then the other and I didn't want to say goodnight to anyone so I left, and ended up coming back to say goodnight to everyone, cause everyone seemed to be upset. I ran into a woman who had just been beaten up and raped... the cops took her home after they cancelled my ambulance that I called. It was awesome. I felt so great that they didn't help at all. she's back in the same place she was attacked. she said she's going to kill herself. I move on,dealt with more drama, and drama, and drama. Left and came back....to say goodbye, dealt with more drama said goodbye. Finally make it home, while enroute to the house I was slammed in the face with more drama, I didn't care, I moved on. Lay down, get ready for bed, roni's in trouble the upstairs plumbing went to shit and there was water pouring into the downstairs. I really can't deal with tonight...too much. This woman was the first domestic abuse/rape victim that I got close to...she trusted me. she was different from every other woman in the world...I could see it in her eyes, she was in so much pain, a mother and grandmother of one, she had so much on her shoulders. it all came loose tonight. I can tell you honestly right now I've never seen hurt like this. it was like someone had set her heart ablaze, and it burned out leaving only ashes, you could see the smoulder smoke so clearly in her brown eyes. as if her eyes were starved for oxygen to fuel the once burning fire. she was in tears all night...all I could do was hold her. apparently she's a frequent flyer with the police and She's been in trouble before. All I wanted for her was everything. I wanted to give her everything, safety, love, affection, a home, peace and happiness. she may never find it. she may never get what she deserves but, as a woman, she's lost. and I couldn't give her a map to save my life. I hope someday she finds everything she's looking for and everything she deserves. I swear to God as long as I live I'll never forget linda............................thats my night. I know ridiculous huh??? Goodnight world i need sleep.

you want to say it too

I'm done, I am. I'm so done. I'm exhausted I haven't actually "slept" in at least 72 hours. I'm upset because my social life is failing and yet I'm failing out of college and don't seem to give a shit...at all. The funny thing about it is, I don't. I don't care, this isn't one of those I'm an artist and I'll be defiant cause no one understands my energy. fuck that. I'm over it. This is it, This is Greyson Van Pelt. RAW. Fuck this ! I don't care anymore, I'm over college and all this other bullshit...I'll go to nursing school in Florida, and God Damn it I'll make my own fucking rules, I'm sick of being told I need a fucking plan, no I don't I'll make my own way, I always have before...Haven't I?

I said I don't get no sleep

Just light the end and get on with fucking life...it's so hard to move on, but wouldn't it be nice? So last night into this morning I was on a transport to pittsburgh it was so long and shitty and I feel like I'm going to throw up. I haven't slept for two days and I'm going on pure adrenaline, get upset, cry, move on, go to work, sit around, move on...it's a constant move along. I am getting out of this cycle. I'm on my way out and I can't wait. I really like travis...alot. but I get the feeling he's sketchy and I think he's still talking to my ex and I think they probably talk dirty to eachother, why the hell should I care. I'm not going to get involved this time.. I hope. I'm freezing in PA. I want to be in the sunshine of the south...I need to go home, I think the south is where I belong but I wouldn't lie to you it might be a while till I adjust. I'm screaming for more than just some blue eyed metaphor. I'm so in love with thriving ivory I think they're magnificent, and I only use that word when I feel stupid. It's like 8 am and I've been trying to sleep for the past 3&1/2 hours but sleep just won't come, surprise surprise. And I'm sick of talking to people just because. The life in my life is like fading, tara always brought some pleasant surprise to the table, it's so wierd that she's getting married. It's like such a shock but I knew it would happen someday, I just don't want to miss it when it happens. I can't be flying back home every other week when I move though. PS I'm moving to florida, if none of you were able to pick that up yet. And I've turned into this guy who wants to do nothing but write and play piano and smoke cigarettes like they're going out of style. I'm obsessed with little things, but finding joy in none of them. I miss the magic but I still have some spark it's so wierd. I'm feeling insane because I'm so stressed I feel like my heart isn't pumping up to par and my brain isn't getting what it's used to...yet I'm singing all the time, I always have some new tune to hum and I'm constantly expecting some amazing change. I don't know what it is, but if I'm dying don't tell me, cause I don't want to know...that's a lie yes I do. :) I have a whole bunch of scattered thoughts constantly spinning in my mind as if I'm on a carousel and everyone around it is screaming a different sentance I know they're all important...I just cannot seem to sort them out. I'm having the taxi cab dreams again, and I jump constantly when I try to go to sleep. I can't concentrate on a single thing...unless it's music. I'm sure you can tell from this blog that I'm listening to thriving ivory, and am so scattered brained. I've been spending these nights counting stars like a runaway and that's really what everything in me is telling me to do right now. everything says...RUN. as fast as you can look back often but not too long. I don't even know what's going on in my life right now it's so hectic. there's too much going on. It's like symphonies without a sound. somebody save me. for the past week I have had these same 4 second dreams, in everyone of them I see my life, as it is - not what I want it to be or what I believe it to be but I see it as if I'm a journalist writing about some no mans life and every none of them ends where i'm begging someone for a hug, one of them was the man of my dreams and usually it would end like we get married or he tells me he's married or something really fucked up but no in the end of that one specifically I was standing in front of a vandalized building ( my life was for sale inside ) and the building was on fire after someone came in and did some major damage. I just begged him for a hug and I got it and when he hugged me I woke up and looked around confused as hell I had no idea where I was or why it was so wierd. I never remember my dreams, unless they're nightmares or prominent for some reason. I think the ones of this past week have been pretty damn prominent. I just don't know what to do with myself right now. I'm so stressed out, more so than I have ever been before. atleast I think so. I'm sure a million other people who tell me differently and probably prove me wrong, but my life is not on trial here and if anyone has the right to sit in the jury box...it's me. which brings me to another point and I know this blog is long but I never said you had to read this thing. My moms boyfriend, glenn simply does not understand me being gay...to me it's not big deal alot of people don't understand it, I don't care if you do or don't. it's no right to fucking judge me, I don't blatanly come out and say well I don't agree with the way you live your life you need to fix this, this, this, this, and these couple things before I will. Fuck that, I'm not trying to sound like a 14 year old "defiant soul" but really? Like the rules that I choose to live by, I set myself, and on top of that I have a good relationship with God, maybe not what you percieve him to be but my God still loves me, therefore I don't need yours too, ones usually enough...I don't know I guess it's a defiant thing. He thinks I'm so defiant and I don't give my mother any credit. I give her more credit than she knows. I think she's awesome and we get along just fine these days she's starting to understand alot more than in the past and trust me we're getting better but it's still a day by day process. I don't need to justify my actions to anyone. and I mean that anyone, My personal life is mine and I will live it as I choose if he has such an issue with it he can kick me the fuck out. I've made my own way and I'm in a place I didn't see myself in for a very long time, I'm in a community, I belong. There's somewhere that I can go where I don't feel condemned for what I am or out of place just for being me and if anyone of you would like to experience this just give me a call. That's about all I have to say, For real though. I need some time to sort, and think and work on some things.
He takes his clothes of and he says
Is it alright if I stay the night?
I can tell everythings not fine
It's never alright to push away
I'm not as blind as you may think
and I'm tired of all this is
you look a little unhappy about the way the world is turning.
I've been dying for the world to know my name
So I'll tell you my name...
It's time to go.

P/s I stole alot of this from thriving ivory songs, if it's sounds poetic/ it's theirs. / you should know better :)

somebody to save me

all I have to say is every day is the first of the rest of my life....

I know...I know trust me it's not that big a deal

hi....I'm running away - again. I believe in the day I was born, but I wasn't born for this....In the last 24 hours I've been let down, I''ve had a breakdown, I've cried my eyes out, the sun finally came out, and I have nothing to show for any of it. Cause my emotions don't matter when it comes to fixing my situation. I'm over it and I'm ready to go...I'm packing my bags...I'm headed for the coast. I can only hope that someday I'm more of a hard ass. this is to one last day in the shadows...today is my day. I gotta get moving

tell me all your thoughts on God, or just lie to me, make me feel worth your time

don't tell me if i'm dying...cause I don't want to know. do you care about all the little things? or anything at all?....at the current moment i'm listening to this, it's angels on the moon by thriving ivory, they're really good...go listen. have you ever been to the part where the next part isn't coming to mind? ever felt like the notes just didn't fit like they did before...like somebody fucked up your octave and you're paying for it live...right now? do you ever just feel like right now? right now i'm sick to my stomach with regret remorse sadness lonliness and the wierdest feeling ever....if I should move to florida? I know I hate PA more than anything else in the world I hate PA and on top of hating PA I belong in fla. it's the fact that i'm leaving so much and what am i gaining and what am I losing by doing it? I want to bid the lunatics goodbye and leave the drama behind. but I don't know if I can, I don't know if i'm ready and that scares me the most...i'm afraid that I am going to lose everything I have...I'm in a good place right now really I am but I know that in my heart and soul I am envious of every human being that walks by. Why am I made of lies, why can I not just be honest...even with myself. Why didn't I do more as a child. I could've been a star. I want the world to know my name, and yes I'll tell you my name. As soon as I find my drink. My cigarettes have become my crutch I can't tell anything or experience anything without them, and I'm okay that way but I am sick of pounding with anger at a 2.00 china made keyboard........maybe he was right. Maybe I'm destined to fail...and Maybe I'm fulfilling my destiny...maybe I'm alone, maybe he was right

moms for the night

so I'm at my mothers house for the night...I really want a cigarette and I have massive studying to do omg. I'm listening to jennifer hudson spotlight, she's so fucking full of herself. it pisses me off, no lie. I'm so worried that I won't make it to class in the morning...whatever. I have so much stuff that needs to get done before can leave tomorrow. i have no idea why it suddenly switched over to italics...WTF okay so i'm leaving tmr at 5am and i just realized i have a packet to do that's 15o cardiology questions...it's going to be a loooong niiiiight...find me bitches i'll be in coudy tmr! oh and BTW I'm so sick you have no idea i sound like a scumbag manwhore and I don't look much better, do you totally love the prideflag in the back???? SUCK IT MERCEDES

theatreboy331 (8:10:45 PM): haha lol did you get my msg

Mad Crazy Merrr (8:14:05 PM): just right now ?

theatreboy331 (8:14:11 PM): no from your bday

Mad Crazy Merrr (8:15:12 PM): ha no

theatreboy331 (8:15:29 PM): oh fucking a it was HILARIOUS

theatreboy331 (8:15:35 PM): i was drunk

Mad Crazy Merrr (8:15:39 PM): haha, all your messages always are

Mad Crazy Merrr (8:16:17 PM): are you in town hoe ?

theatreboy331 (8:17:23 PM): i will be at 8am tmr

Mad Crazy Merrr (8:20:05 PM): skank. call me, ill be workin from 6 to eleven but i wanna see you

theatreboy331 (8:20:24 PM): ewwwww 11 at night?

theatreboy331 (8:20:28 PM): you got car yet?

Mad Crazy Merrr (8:20:51 PM): nah, my life sucks duh. & yes, eleven pm.

theatreboy331 (8:21:04 PM): lol okay i'll see you tmr biotch

Mad Crazy Merrr (8:21:23 PM): seeee you tomorrow slutbag. :]
this is everyday life.... mwah!

it's 4:01 God Damn it

So random story about tonight, me and my friend alex were met up with 4 people that we sort of knew tonight at the theme park and we were conversating while they were in the same line we were going to get in. we weren't planning on jumping line honestly I have big issues with it. So we were just talking to them and this guy hollers to us. "Hey boys, this is the line and you're not cutting it." So i just yelled back, "hey dude that's cool, we're not jumping we're just chatting with some friends, we'll join the line when we're done. simmer down!" so then he kept going and I had to be mean so in front of everyone I said "Hey look I don't know what you're issue is but you keep repeating yourself like rainman we're going to keep talking to our friends, it's not a crime, you can't stop us. and i'm sorry if you're hurt that I don't care about what you say, just simmer it down." He kept going... so finally I said "okay asshole my heart bleeds black for you, if you have such an issue with us standing here you can drive yourself home and slice your night away with a boxcutter, for all I care you can bleed out on your bathroom floor. Have a great night and simmer the fuck down." Finally he shut up, as did like 30 people in the line we were in they all just kinda stared at me, and I just gave them the sorry this guys an asshole. so we start walking away and I hear faggot. I was like bitch you're going down so I screamed at the top of my lungs at the crowd "Attention, could I get everyone's attention please! this kind gentleman seems to have an issue with me conversating with my friends before we head to the back to experience it ourselves. now his selfless devotion to this line and it's saddening long length has annoyed me to no end, which is why I am now moving to the back where the sun can shine on him for this good deed and the world can be set right. could we all give a round of applause to this kind man for this great act of good citisenship??? -I was the only one that clapped everyone else just stood there and snickered.- So I went up to him and said, looks like you're all alone there buddy, and do you even have a date??? NO. you don't probably because you told her she couldn't break the rules too many times capeetannn boy scout...good luck with that and enjoy the ride you selfless bastard." it was absolutely phenomenal I've never felt so refreshed in all my life.

Why am I writing this at 4am? Because i'm depressed and vulnerable now sit down and listen

If only, I could just find someone, that I could connect with. Someone who gets me. Someone honest. Someone understanding. Someone real. I want the guy that's not afraid of rejection, who's not afraid of change, who's willing to move on, and can't wait for the future to come. The days drag on now, it's depressing. It's not like it's easy to just go and pick up another guy, it's hard as hell to even find anyone who's worth getting my number. I'm not sick of rejection, I'm sick of rejecting people. I'm over it. I'm over this whole scene. I just wish I could find a real man so to speak. I want a guy who isn't afraid to hold my hand in public. Who's not scared of crying. Isn't sickened by emotion and enjoys a good Third Eye Blind song. I want someone to go to concerts with, and the gym, and the park, and the movies, and I guess the mall. I want to wear conversating Halloween costumes with my guy. I want someone who's going to be honest and a real man about things. I can't stand dating wussies. If you can't stick up for me at the gym, you're not worth my time. Not like I would ever need you to, it's just the gym can be risky and anyone you're going to fight there...is going to bring a fight. I hate sissy guys who should have been born a girl, I love them as friends. But honestly I can't stand trying to talk to them half the time because it's never a conversation...it's a production. I just want a real guy, who's kinda cute, doesn't have to be. I want him to be honest, caring, sensitive, understanding, a legal american citizen, a good kisser, in love with reading, able to read, cook, show up on time, stay fresh and clean, look good bummy, open minded to the people and ideas the world has to offer, a non supporter of war, enfatuated with music, so intune, a critic, sarcastic, funny, romantic, a normal, rational, breathing, nonalcoholic or drug dependant, noncliny, noncodependant, height and weight proportianate, average human being with a nervous tick.
That's it, I don't even care if you just need a visa, I need you and that's all that matters.

Some days I wake up, realize what's real, walk to the mirror, and wish I was someone else. I wish that I could just pack up and change every damn strand in my DNA. If only I could do it, if only it wasn't me I look at every morning it's the same old same old every single day. I'm dealing with a lot of stuff these days everything is more hectic. People are even more ridiculous than usual. I'm still alone though. I broke up with my boyfriend because we all thought he was an asshole. I took a vote from the congress in my head, also my brother and best friend couldn't stand what he was doing...strange enough, I couldn't either but was okay with it. He was getting too sketchy & I hate sketchy. It's not worth my time, and neither is he. Boys who think they're Boy stuff is more important than family or honesty are stupid. I hate boys with boy stuff. I'd rather date a girl, just because they're understanding, they get it, there's never the pressure of fitting into the guy mold. Gay guys are so gay. Doesn't it make you wish you were a better man? You're just a boy. So moving on, I'm super lonely out here, I haven't really met anyone yet, and I'm sick of this place. I want to move to a city where there's less new guy feeling...I don't know where the city of everyfitsinhere is but I'll be on mapquest for hours trying to find it. and everything will be wonderful someday...untill then I'll keep looking in the mirror wishing i had my back to the shore and not the sea