Just light the end and get on with fucking life...it's so hard to move on, but wouldn't it be nice? So last night into this morning I was on a transport to pittsburgh it was so long and shitty and I feel like I'm going to throw up. I haven't slept for two days and I'm going on pure adrenaline, get upset, cry, move on, go to work, sit around, move on...it's a constant move along. I am getting out of this cycle. I'm on my way out and I can't wait. I really like travis...alot. but I get the feeling he's sketchy and I think he's still talking to my ex and I think they probably talk dirty to eachother, why the hell should I care. I'm not going to get involved this time.. I hope. I'm freezing in PA. I want to be in the sunshine of the south...I need to go home, I think the south is where I belong but I wouldn't lie to you it might be a while till I adjust. I'm screaming for more than just some blue eyed metaphor. I'm so in love with thriving ivory I think they're magnificent, and I only use that word when I feel stupid. It's like 8 am and I've been trying to sleep for the past 3&1/2 hours but sleep just won't come, surprise surprise. And I'm sick of talking to people just because. The life in my life is like fading, tara always brought some pleasant surprise to the table, it's so wierd that she's getting married. It's like such a shock but I knew it would happen someday, I just don't want to miss it when it happens. I can't be flying back home every other week when I move though. PS I'm moving to florida, if none of you were able to pick that up yet. And I've turned into this guy who wants to do nothing but write and play piano and smoke cigarettes like they're going out of style. I'm obsessed with little things, but finding joy in none of them. I miss the magic but I still have some spark it's so wierd. I'm feeling insane because I'm so stressed I feel like my heart isn't pumping up to par and my brain isn't getting what it's used to...yet I'm singing all the time, I always have some new tune to hum and I'm constantly expecting some amazing change. I don't know what it is, but if I'm dying don't tell me, cause I don't want to know...that's a lie yes I do. :) I have a whole bunch of scattered thoughts constantly spinning in my mind as if I'm on a carousel and everyone around it is screaming a different sentance I know they're all important...I just cannot seem to sort them out. I'm having the taxi cab dreams again, and I jump constantly when I try to go to sleep. I can't concentrate on a single thing...unless it's music. I'm sure you can tell from this blog that I'm listening to thriving ivory, and am so scattered brained. I've been spending these nights counting stars like a runaway and that's really what everything in me is telling me to do right now. everything says...RUN. as fast as you can look back often but not too long. I don't even know what's going on in my life right now it's so hectic. there's too much going on. It's like symphonies without a sound. somebody save me. for the past week I have had these same 4 second dreams, in everyone of them I see my life, as it is - not what I want it to be or what I believe it to be but I see it as if I'm a journalist writing about some no mans life and every none of them ends where i'm begging someone for a hug, one of them was the man of my dreams and usually it would end like we get married or he tells me he's married or something really fucked up but no in the end of that one specifically I was standing in front of a vandalized building ( my life was for sale inside ) and the building was on fire after someone came in and did some major damage. I just begged him for a hug and I got it and when he hugged me I woke up and looked around confused as hell I had no idea where I was or why it was so wierd. I never remember my dreams, unless they're nightmares or prominent for some reason. I think the ones of this past week have been pretty damn prominent. I just don't know what to do with myself right now. I'm so stressed out, more so than I have ever been before. atleast I think so. I'm sure a million other people who tell me differently and probably prove me wrong, but my life is not on trial here and if anyone has the right to sit in the jury box...it's me. which brings me to another point and I know this blog is long but I never said you had to read this thing. My moms boyfriend, glenn simply does not understand me being gay...to me it's not big deal alot of people don't understand it, I don't care if you do or don't. it's no right to fucking judge me, I don't blatanly come out and say well I don't agree with the way you live your life you need to fix this, this, this, this, and these couple things before I will. Fuck that, I'm not trying to sound like a 14 year old "defiant soul" but really? Like the rules that I choose to live by, I set myself, and on top of that I have a good relationship with God, maybe not what you percieve him to be but my God still loves me, therefore I don't need yours too, ones usually enough...I don't know I guess it's a defiant thing. He thinks I'm so defiant and I don't give my mother any credit. I give her more credit than she knows. I think she's awesome and we get along just fine these days she's starting to understand alot more than in the past and trust me we're getting better but it's still a day by day process. I don't need to justify my actions to anyone. and I mean that anyone, My personal life is mine and I will live it as I choose if he has such an issue with it he can kick me the fuck out. I've made my own way and I'm in a place I didn't see myself in for a very long time, I'm in a community, I belong. There's somewhere that I can go where I don't feel condemned for what I am or out of place just for being me and if anyone of you would like to experience this just give me a call. That's about all I have to say, For real though. I need some time to sort, and think and work on some things.
He takes his clothes of and he says
Is it alright if I stay the night?
I can tell everythings not fine
It's never alright to push away
I'm not as blind as you may think
and I'm tired of all this is
you look a little unhappy about the way the world is turning.
I've been dying for the world to know my name
So I'll tell you my name...
It's time to go.
P/s I stole alot of this from thriving ivory songs, if it's sounds poetic/ it's theirs. / you should know better :)
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