The weight of the world on my shoulders and your ice cold hands.

I know, I can't stop writing.

I scrape my knuckles against a wall,
a door post
I don't even flinch
why is this all crashing down at once?
the Niagra will fall inside of me
as if it's been building and hiding in some unknown safe
all of the sudden
someone has profained my door
my precious wood grain
what an offense to make
offended? yes I am
to profaine my very living quarters
and break the combination
into my empty safe
That's now been emptied
my home ransacked
as if anyone has the right to send a tornado to my living room
this is my space
my air
my time
my life
get the fuck out
get the fuck out of my way
I'm so tired of being ruined
and broken down
just to feel for 5 minutes the sanity that's lost in seconds
I'm so empty.
I feel myself crashing into the empty world
I need a rescue, I scream out loud
I'm broken down
I need a savior
yet I know deep inside
nobody will ever come to my rescue
because my attacker was nice enough to close and lock the door for me
at one point I felt so fulfilled
I felt sane
now I know it was nothing but a lie.
the lights in this wretched house enrage me
this entire house is a disappointment. trust me I know a good disappointment when I see one
I am one.


nobody can even begin to understand the weight I'm carrying on my shoulders.
I've dealt with drugs, dysfunction, disgrace, humiliation, abuse, abandonment, and cold shoulders all my life. If you dare think you can understand any of this bullshit, by all means be my guest, In someone else's home. Not mine. I've got way too much past for you to read into, like you fucking know me, as if you know what's going on in my mind. I'll tell you my thoughts, when I see you, anyone, everyone. I pick out every flaw I can personal or superficial because it makes me feel better about myself. Sometimes I stare at someones huge nose, or secretly poke fun at the fact that their mother was just arrested on a coke possesion charge. It breaks my heart, and I do feel guilty, but I can cut later for my own shortcomings, right now in the moment, I'll poke fun, and cruelty at yours. I just want a life ring, some sort of flotation device, a dingy, anything. I just want to above water one last time, one last breath. before I drift, sink and drop like an anchor into this sea, of what I've never seen. I'm about to experience, the reason, we don't go "under". Yes I wrote that line so it wouldn't make sense to anyone but me, and the funny thing is, it doesn't nothing, none of this shit makes sense. none. none at all. it's all nonsense, and I hate it all. I don't even know what to say anymore, I'm sick of being cold. Please just throw me a liferaft without advice attached to the pricetag, I'm a bargain shopper, and thank you but I'll pass. The things going on in my life right now, are frankly none of your business I don't give a fuck who you are, I put the things in this blog that I do for a reason. Once again never said it made sense. I write on here to get things out, maybe open your mind, maybe shut it, because you're a fucking idiot I don't know why. Sometimes I honestly read this shit and I literally say out loud what the fuck? It's true so leave me the fuck alone right now. I need to be alone right now. I hate potheads, and I hate being told how the hell to live my life, seriously, loosen up the jeans, fucking leave me alone, and live your life, while I live mine, however I choose to lead it.