Goodnight world Good morning cocaine

This blog is the insight into my personal life. Nobody sees through this eye on a regular basis, sometimes I write stuff on here that I have trouble telling myself. And tonight is one of those nights

I never admit to being on edge. I hide the weak spots in the floors of my life pretty well.
or so I think I do. Well I'm on edge. I can't take it.

Sometimes the world around me just hits me like a ton of bricks, I tell everyone I wear my emotions on my sleeve I'm a hundred percent honest about what I think and I always speak my mind. Well life fucking slapped me in the face tonight. This is what I know.

My home was stolen from me, as was a chance for a father. I never said I was ungrateful this is just the truth. I can't trust anybody because so many people lie to me, just to get me through the mornings. I can't wake up to an alarm clock. I think in the back of my mind, I don't want to wake up at all. I'm used to dreading the public, and the day. I love airports because it makes me feel like I'm leaving everything behind. I wake up every morning and debate in the shower, taking my money, cutting my losses, and running away. I wish I could just leave everything behind. And just go. I hate my life, I've had alot stolen from me, My home, my high school years, my school spirit, my spirit, my smile, my self confidence, my nights with people I love, my life. I'm without time, I'm without friends, I'm without time to spend alone with anyone. I'm so stressed my eyes have been constantly bloodshot for days, people keep asking me whats wrong because I look like I'm always crying. Well here's something you didn't know, I'm on the edge of a breakdown, I'm fighting back the sobs every second of every day, and I have been for quite some time now. I had to put down the razor this week, and I almost picked it back up. Instead I sat here, smoked, and re-evaluated my life. This shit aint popping anymore. I've been in the car with the keys in my hand and a 20 in my pocket more than a handful of times this week. It's not that far to get to downtown. I've gone driving to nowhere on numerous occasions this month. with everything I needed in my car with me. I've been sober for all of this. I want to get drug tested just so I can feel some sense of pride. That I didn't buckle under the pressure, the sad thing is, I'm so confused I don't know If I would pass, I don't know which way is up and I've come close to crashing my car atleast 10 times this week alone. It's tuesday. What does that say about me. I can't concentrate on anything but anger, and I'm stuck in a rut. It's as if the world has come crashing down, and everyone is running but me. I feel like there's greater opportunities out there for me. And for some reason it's like I know there's not. I've applied for jobs on cruise lines, airplanes, theme parks, and the bahamas. I want fucking out of here, I'm sick of all the bullshit. I'm ready to run away. If you don't hear from me for a couple weeks, ask around make sure I'm not dead, then give up. If I leave and I don't tell you there's a reason, so please don't get your hopes up.


No I don't want your shitty teenage advice, you haven't been there. If you want to give me advice I'll trade you a pair of shoes, if you're still alive after 2 days feel free to give me advice.
I don't want your stupid recipes for teas that "chill you out" I couldn't care less about tea right now.
I'm getting a tattoo I don't want good ideas, or what yours is of, or your mothers or why you got them.
Until you've seen the world through my eyes, you'll never understand. One thing I hope you can understand is that I don't want commentary on this blog from anybody and I mean anybody.
Commentary is just another word for judgement.
The only person who can feel free to call me out, or mention this blog to me, carly Jo, the floor is yours. The rest of you can stay the fuck away. Thanks for reading, sorry it's so depressing, mean, and angry but I don't need to justify my actions to you or anyone, justification is pathetic. And I'm not a cop out...Goodnight.