I'm a totured soul

Why can I not just get my feelings and emotions straight? I can't figure myself out. Literally 5 minutes ago I was thinking to myself how much I really do belong here. Yet now I'm looking at the sky and I know I don't. But do I know or am I thinking? I'm fucking 19 I can't understand anything and everyone says oh this is a learning period you're figuring out who you are. I know who I am, I just don't understand how being ass backwards 24/7 is a learning experience. I don't find this environment at all to be conducive to learning. I feel like such an idiot. I want to have a good paying job and I need to be able to go shopping when I want. Ugh! I need moneys!!! I hope that my taxes will be enough and that possibly I can just buy some shit car and go from there. My madre told me 4 months is when I'll be moving out. well i'm switching up the schedule a little because I'm not going to live here for 4 months jesus christ. I hate this house. I'm not staying.