You are my heaven.

My room mates love to comment on my sex life, like Simon. Seriously.

You'll all be happy to know the date went well. However, there are some "things" about him. I'll just be honest before I left the house I didn't want to go on this date, he asked me before hand, if I was planning on spending the night in his dorm room, as there would be drinking at the party we were going to. I didn't want to. I thought it was a little forward but looking back at it, it was a precaution not an invitation. His bed is a single anyways haha. Okay so I didn't want to go but did anyways and had a really good time, we weren't drinking and the movie sucked. We went to "He's just not that into you" It had no real plot and it was pointless. But cute. And the whole time I'm thinking, really could this movie be any more of a sign and a handbook on how to tell this guy I'm not that into him. My god we hardly spoke before we went in, how could I know? So we went to the party and talked...alot. The party was pretty lame, but I was enjoying most of the conversation we were having. Turns out, I'm digging him but I still wasn't sure. The cops came. The cops left. We left like an hour later. After saying goodnight to everyone we went to his dorm room so I could meet his room mate, we ended up kissing, after the party. He's a really good and weird kisser. So we came to my apartment and sat outside in his car for a while, he had homework I had an interview, which by the way I skipped. So anyways we were making out hardcore, and I realized, he is pretty cute. Why are we making out so crazily on the first date, what happened to being the good guy. Whatever. So I tell him goodnight, the first is over. Tonight we were talking about making a huge mosaic because somebody found a dumpster full of cool tiles from some store that closed down, well we went together, dumpster diving and came back with a ton of carpet...I know right, and tile. So we end up on my bed once again making out and wrestling around hardcore. Dude, seriously. I don't want to have sex with him. I really don't, I want the classic 50's relationship where there's meeting, courtship, dating, a kiss, then whatever but none of this one night to love you shit. Ughhhh. I'm going to marry Damon Jacobs anyways, the author I mentioned early....If only he'd move to florida. Damn it. I''m so tired, it's 4am and I still have to do my room mates nursing homework. Blah.

I don't know what to think about this boy. He's too forward, but he's nice, and he's an artist. I need someone that's willing to be my man though. and I don't know if he's got it in him. P.s. I start work tomorrow and I'm so freaking excited, I love this new job, it's the first time in a long time that I've been so excited about work. I need a full time job though and there haven't been any awesome managers banging on my door, just the office people threatening to evict us. It's a thug life.


&&&I know it's longgggg but I've been listening to ron pope drop in the ocean like crazy and I keep having these dreams where this song is playing in the world and I'm walking by myself out onto jersey's shore and I'm all alone and there's nobody on the beach and it's like the beginning of winter, the skies are grey and it's so bland but this song is keeping me from falling out. I'm walking past this wood curb thing and I hear the piano so vividly. I keep thinking to myself in the dream about my life and how lonely I am and I get really upset because I know that my mother would never be proud of the things I've done and continue to do, and no mother ever would. I keep seeing my mothers face in my mind looking down on me and I mean like viewing me, not like staring down but anyways her face is just so innocently blank as though she's just a third party viewer, but it shows me that she's hurt because I know that if she's seeing my every minute, she's hurt, and saddened by my actions. This is where I'm going to stop writing. It's making me uncomfortable. Sometimes it just hurts too much to talk about.


Whatever happened to being that boy.